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"There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage."
--Martin Luther

Saturday, 3 September 2016

Long weekend musings on summer and infertility and grief

It's that time of year now when the temperature drops in the evening, kids go back to school, and even though the leaves are still green, we know it's only a short time before the autumn will be back in force. It feels like every day, someone else wants to talk about how the summer has just flown by, and where did those months go? To be honest, I'm finding this difficult. My summer has not flown by. My summer has been painful and grief-filled. I struggle with the balance between being authentic and not wanting to alienate people with my grief.

I haven't updated in a while about our infertility journey, so here goes: In the spring, we decided to head back to the clinic to try again. The timing made sense as I was finishing school, but did not have a job lined up, so my schedule was free enough to allow for the myriad of appointments without being too draining. This new procedure required me to give myself daily injections for the first 10-12 days of my cycle, which was pretty daunting, but I quickly got used to it. Anyway, the long and the short of it is that we tried this for several cycles, and it was unsuccessful.

Gil and I now find ourselves in a quandary. There are other possible options, if we want to be more aggressive. People tell us we have to try everything, that it will certainly work one time. On the other hand, the reality is that isn't true. There are many people who try everything and still end up childless. Success rates for IVF and surrogacy and all that stuff are actually not nearly as high as people think. Moreover, I am losing so much of myself due to depression related to infertility. I miss the person I was. I don't want to live through three more years of constantly oscillating between optimism and grief. When I went in for my last blood test towards the end of July, I had this sense that I was done with the clinic, that I just really did not want to go back. But the other option, the one that says we will never hold our child in our arms, is almost unthinkable.

So now we grieve. I grieve the life I imagined, the exhausting days of looking after little ones, the hectic years of school-aged children, the lonely days of seeing teenagers fly the nest, the moments when I would see my husband or my grandmother in the fact of my own child. I don't know how to imagine a life without children. I don't compute how I will never be a grandmother.

We grieve alone. People do not understand this or even recognize it as grief. They want to tell us how we can have such a great life without children, as though it's easy to just change course. As though it's not the greatest tragedy of my life to lose the future that I imagined since I was a young child. So I have to smile a few dozen times and say, "Yes, summer is over. It's gone so fast," when really, it was slow and painful and sad. There were no bike rides with kids, no water parks or camp outs or walks to the park. My cat died. My dreams died. Yes, there were fun moments, like when I graduated and a brief trip to Spain in June, but mostly, 2016 has been a summer of grief.

Do I believe God is good throughout this journey? Yes. Somehow I do. Somehow, I trust that He can redeem these awful years, that He can put beauty into our darkest moments. I fight with Him daily. I ask Him why. I ask Him where the Church was, how it could be that His people were not there in the moments when I was begging Him to let me die instead of giving me this childless future. He does not answer, but He tells me to trust, so I have faith that one beautiful day, the pain will make sense and the tears will be wiped away. Until then, we grieve.

Tuesday, 30 August 2016

Top Ten Tuesday: Ten Books I Read In School

This week's Top Ten Tuesday topic is anything back-to-school related, so I chose to write about my favourite books that I read during my schooling, from high school to my many forays into university.

1. Fathers and Sons by Ivan Turgenev: I read this in a Russian history course in university. I don't actually remember a lot, but I do enjoy Turgenev a lot, so I should probably read it again!

2. The Three Musketeers by Alexandre Dumas: In Grade 11 history class, we were given a list of historical novels and had to chose one for a book report, so I chose this adventure story, and I wasn't disappointed!

3. To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee: A marvelous classic that was assigned reading in high school.

4. This One Summer by Mariko Tamaki and Jillian Tamaki: I read this for my graphic novels class last year, and appreciated the summer coming-of-age tale.

5. Le Petit Prince by Antoine de Saint Exupery: An all-time favourite. I actually own this book in three different languages...

6. The Cowards by Josef Skvorecky: I read this book in German for a Czech literature class that I took while studying abroad. In one of the high points of my bookworm life, my professor sent a copy of my essay on the book to the author (whom he knew personally), and I received a postcard from Skvorecky himself!

7. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey: Better than the movie.

8. Maus by Art Spiegelman: I read this during my graphic novels class as well. Interesting and creative take on a very difficult subject.

9. Nine Stories by J.D. Salinger: Okay, so we actually only read two short stories from this book in English class, but I enjoyed them so much that I bought the book. It began me on a love affair with the name Esme, that is only slightly dulled by the fact that the name was used in Twilight. :P

10. Arcadian Adventures with the Idle Rich by Stephen Leacock: I read this in a university course on Canadian history, and it was laugh-out-loud funny.

Tuesday, 23 August 2016

Top Ten Tuesday: Books That Have Been On My TBR Shelf For A Looooong Time

Welp, I've missed a few weeks, including a couple of TTT topics that were interesting, but I couldn't get my act together to actually write. Sigh. Anyway, here it is Tuesday again, and the list topic is Ten Books That Have Been On Your Shelf/TBR From Before You Started Blogging That You Still Haven't Read Yet. Oof. I started blogging in 2011, well before I had a GoodReads account, and I've moved since then, so it's hard to find out which books I have genuinely had sitting around on my list since then, but I've tried to do some digging.

Books I physically own:
1. The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer: I've owned this book for years, but never finished it. Maybe I'm afraid of what it will reveal about the nature of my own discipleship?

2. Fidel Castro by Robert E. Quick: I have a weird addiction with buying historical biographies, but not reading them.

3. The Tin Drum by Guenter Grass: I loved Crabwalk and picked this up used, but have yet to read it, even though it's moved houses with me several times!

4. The Idiot by Fyodor Dostoevsky: But on the plus side, I'm finally reading War and Peace, so that gives me hope that I'll read The Idiot one of these days. :)

5. Sandra Gulland's trilogy on Josephine Bonaparte: I read the first one, but not the rest, and they've been on my shelf for ages and ages.

6. Cancer Ward by Alexander Solzhenitsyn: Gosh, some of my books are so depressing! I think this was actually among my dad's old books that he didn't want. I haven't felt up to another Solzhenitsyn for a long time.

7. Paris 1919 by Margaret MacMillan: I got about a third of the way into this one, put it down, and never finished. That was about 10 years ago.

From my virtual TBR:
8. Heart Of A Dog by Mikhail Bulgakov: I saw part of the old film version while living in Russia, and have always meant to read the original.

9. The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy by Douglas Adams: Yeah, yeah, I know.... One day I'll get around to this!

10. The Coming of the Third Reich by Richard Evans: It's definitely not on my physical shelf, but I have long meant to read Evans' trilogy on the history of the Third Reich. Maybe one day I will.....


Tuesday, 2 August 2016

Top Ten Tuesday: Ten Books I'd Buy Post Haste

Happy Tuesday! I can't believe it's August! We've just had our second last summer long weekend here in Ontario, we have a month until Labour Day when schools start, and a month or so to get through the summer reading lists we made back in May or June. I've been reading a lot this summer, but today's Top Ten Tuesday topic is "Ten books we'd buy right this second if someone handed us a fully loaded gift card". I could spend that baby pretty quickly.

1. Homegoing by Yaa Gyasi: I saw this at the bookstore the other day and was immediately intrigued.

2. The Girls by Emma Cline: I actually have an e-book hold on this at the library, but of course I'd want my own copy so I could read it right away.

3. The Nest by Cynthia D'aprix Sweeney: I've been eyeing this one for a while, but have yet to commit.

4. My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante: Highly recommended by a friend.

5. The Golden Age Shtetl: A New History of Jewish Life in Eastern Europe by Yohanen Petrovsky-Shtern: Showing my nerdiness here.... I love history books and would definitely pick some up if I had a big gift card at my disposal.

6. Awakening Lives: Autobiographies of Jewish Youth in Poland Before the Holocaust by Jeffrey Shandler: I saw this at the library where I volunteer, but they don't carry it in my local public library. It seems really interesting.

7. March by Geraldine Brooks: Because I adore Little Women.

8. Spiritual Sobriety: Stumbling Back to Faith When Good Religion Goes Bad by Elizabeth Esther: I used to follow her blog, and this looks really interesting and relevant to some of my current struggles.

9. Alexander Hamilton by Ron Chernow: I have such a soft spot for massive historical biographies.

10. The Fox Was Ever the Hunter by Herta Mueller: I don't really know what prompted me to add this to my TBR, but it caught my eye, it fits into my lifelong fascination with Eastern Europe, and I'd probably snap it up.

Tuesday, 19 July 2016

Top Ten Tuesday: Recent Reads Set Outside of the US

Today's topic at The Broke and the Bookish asks us to list our favourite books that take place outside of the United States. When I looked through my recent reads, I found that the majority were not set in the US, probably because I read a lot of classical British lit as well as Canadian literature, but it's an interesting topic anyway. I limited myself further by looking only at the last two years of my reading, and also not using classics (since most of the ones I like are set in the UK) and nothing set in a fantasy realm or other planets.

1. The Tsar of Love and Techno by Anthony Marra. Setting: Russia (St. Petersburg, Siberia, Chechnya). I just finished this recently and it's probably my favourite book of the year. It is a series of connected short stories that made me think and laugh and gasp at the beautiful language.

2. The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafรณn. Setting: Barcelona, Spain. A mysterious page-turner with intriguing characters and also beautifully written (though I'm sure it's even better in the original Spanish).

3. The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. Setting: Nazi Germany. The moving story of a young girl taken in by a foster family in the 1930s who discovers a love for books and also befriends the Jewish man who is later hidden in their basement.

4. Code Name Verity by Elizabeth Wein. Setting: Wartime Britain and France. It's hard to fully describe this story of an unlikely friendship without giving away too many details. Suffice it say that I was blown away by the intricacies and the way it all worked together in the end. 

5. The Passion by Jeannette Winterson. Setting: Venice, France, and the Napoleonic invasion of Russia. It's hard to describe this short book with it's intriguing characters and fantastical elements, but I couldn't put it down.

6. Salt to the Sea by Ruta Sepetys. Setting: Occupied Poland, Germany, Lithuania, and the Baltic Sea. I thoroughly enjoyed this novel with its four complex narrators telling the story of the wreck of the Wilhelm Gustloff during World War II. (Hmmm, I guess I'm reading a lot of books set in WWII recently!)

7. Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell by Susanna Clarke. Setting: England. Okay, so this is set in an alternate UK where magic is real, but it's a wonderful and gripping novel about a power struggle between two magicians and how the magic returned to England. 

8. The Betrayers by David Bezmozgis. Setting Ukraine and Israel. An Israeli politician sneaks off with his girlfriend to his birthplace of Crimea to escape a political scandal. There are so many levels in this novel. I loved it.

9. The Orenda by Joseph Boyden. Setting Huron lands in what is today Ontario, Canada. This is a gripping novel about the interactions between the Huron, the Iroquois, and the French in the early years of colonization. 

10. A Town Like Alice by Nevil Shute. Setting: Wartime Malaya and Australia. I didn't love this book as there were elements that I found annoying, but I enjoyed learning about post-WWII Australia and the description of wartime Malaya was fascinating and heartbreaking.

Sunday, 17 July 2016

Three Years

This week marks two things: It makes seven years since my first date with Gil, which was in 2009. It also marks three years since we started trying to have a child.

Celebrating one year of dating, in 2010. I look so young!
Three years is a long time. If you're in my shoes, and you're involved in infertility communities, you might be tempted to think that it's not so long when faced with others who had longer journeys, but one thing I'm learning is that it's okay to feel like my three years have been an eternity. Three years is enough to get a Bachelor's degree without Honours, or even with Honours if you do a lot of extra grunt work. It's 75% of the way through high school in Ontario and also 75% of the term of an American president. It's apparently the life cycle of an iPhone, according to Apple, unless you're someone like my dad who always needs the newest model. It's the length of time audiences had to wait between episodes of the Star Wars franchise, both the original trilogy and the much lamented set of prequels. It's 36 months - and if you're infertile you probably felt the passage of each month with a heart growing heavier each time. It's 156 weeks or 1095 days, which makes approximately four full-term pregnancies back to back. You certainly feel that the most when you're infertile, because you probably have friends who have had more than one child while you've been waiting.

My friends with young children frequently say things like, "I can't believe he'll be 2/3/4! The years fly by so fast." On the contrary, I feel like the years have crawled by in my childless life as I've watched infertility mark every aspect of my life with sorrow. For the past 2.5 years, ever since we were officially labelled as infertile, there has rarely been a day that didn't hurt. There are no mornings when I wake up and don't remember how much I want to be a mother. I never see a pregnant belly without feeling a tiny bit sad. Someone told me recently that she is afraid to ask her infertile friends about their issues because she does not want to reopen a wound. I told her that what she's missing is that for us in the journey, our wounds never close. I feel like the walking wounded, and every moment that I'm smiling or laughing or going about daily life, it's because I've learned to live with the constant ache. I've learned that most people - even the ones that say they care - do not want to hear that you are wounded. They want you to pretend it doesn't hurt. Trust me, time does not fly by when you are always nursing an open wound.

I want to end this on something positive. I'm sure that I've grown in some positive ways in these past few years. I hope so, anyway. I've obviously gone back to school and traveled and made new friends. When I look at these years, though, I grieve. I'm sad that half of my marriage has been marred by infertility, that we cannot remember any more what it's like to believe we'll be parents. I grieve the relationships I had with friends back when I was sunny and emotionally able to support others, back before I greeted each morning with tears. I grieve the big family that I was going to have, because even if we do conceive, we certainly do not have the time to try again several times. I weep for the moments that I imagined and may never experience: The first time I would feel my baby kicking; the look in my husband's eyes when we would find out we were expecting; the joy of seeing my baby on the ultrasound screen. I grieve the self that I feel like I've lost. My pastor recently said that we rarely see God's hand in the present. It's when we look at the past that we are aware of where He's been working. I hope that one day, I will look back on these three years and see the sparks of light that I missed, because most days things still look very dark.

Tuesday, 5 July 2016

Top Ten Tuesday: Good Books With Few Reviews

Today's Top Ten Tuesday topic looks at books that we enjoyed that have under 2000 ratings on Goodreads. This was actually kind of neat to look at. I didn't even realize that I could arrange my Goodreads lists by number of ratings. Some of the books on the list were random finds that perhaps aren't that well known. Other cases really surprised me.

1. The Name Therapist by Duana Taha: Granted, this book only came out a few months ago and it's a book about names and not a paranormal romance, but I was surprised that it only has 50 ratings. I thoroughly enjoyed it!

2. A Backpack, A Bear, and Eight Crates of Vodka by Lev Golinkin: This was a random library find. I guess it's not that well known. It is a memoir about the author's experience emigrating from the USSR to the United States.

3. When They Come For Us We'll Be Gone: The Epic Struggle to Save Soviet Jewry by Gal Beckerman: I read this years ago after picking it up on a whim at the Ottawa public library. I found it to be a fantastic and gripping history book.

4. Tor! The Story of German Football by Ulrich Hesse-Lichtenberger: Perhaps German soccer enthusiasts have yet to flock to Goodreads. :)

5. Black Man In a White Coat by Damon Tweedy: I read this last year and keep referring back to it as I found it fascinating and I learned a lot about the American medical system and the socioeconomic issues facing African Americans.

6. The Betrayers by David Bezmozgis: What?! How does this book have so few ratings? Bezmozgis is quite involved in the Canadian literature scene and this book was shortlisted for the Giller Prize, so I can only guess that his main demographic is not that into Goodreads.

7. The Free World by David Bezmozgis: Again, I find this really weird. This is Bezmozgis's first novel about a family who has left the Soviet Union and are in immigration limbo in Italy.

8. The Thinking Reed by Rebecca West: I just read this about a month ago. It's somewhat of a modern class, but apparently not a lot of people have read it, or at least rated it! It tells the story of a young American widow who moves to Paris, and her romantic life from thereon.

9. Cape Town by Brenda Hammond: A Young Adult novel about a young Afrikaner ballet dancer whose horizons are broadened when she moves to Cape Town towards the end of the Apartheid era. I really enjoyed this book.

10. Eden by Yael Hedaya: This was another random library find, which I found to be a deep and interesting story of the overlapping experiences of a group of people in modern Israel.