When I was in Grade 8, it seemed like
all the “cool” girls were good at basketball. Maybe they had
other things in common, like crimped hair (this was 1993 after all),
names that started with K, and houses on the same street. Whatever
it was that united the cool girls, I didn't have it and I probably
never would.
I've always been a pretty determined
person. When I wanted to do something or learn a new skill, I pushed
myself until I accomplished it. When I felt shyness was holding me
back socially, I practiced social skills. I lived in Germany when I
was 21, where I chose to attend a class called “Russian for
Historians”, which involved translating sentences from Russian (my
fourth language) into German (my third). The first class was so
difficult for me that afterwards I went into the ladies room and
cried... but I didn't drop the class. I'm not trying to brag, just
to explain my personality. Sometimes this intensity has been
off-putting to others, but it's gotten me where I am.
None of this determination could help
when I was 13 years old, an age when popularity seemed almost
randomly distributed, and trying too hard was social suicide. I
could watch Beverly Hills, 90210 (duh,
why wouldn't you? Luke Perry was so dreamy) or beg for new clothes, but that didn't keep me
from not being invited from the end of year graduation party. (True
story.)
My life has been pretty good since
Grade 8, so why rehash these bad memories? In some ways, the journey
of trying to conceive has made me think of the Middle School
popularity scene. You can try so hard, and get nothing out of it, or
you can get lucky on your first month. Sure, there are ways to
better your chances, such as eating well, exercising, temperature
taking, and using ovulation kits, but the truth is that infertility
is kind of a crap shoot. You can do everything right and never get
pregnant, while some other woman smokes, drinks heavily, has no idea
about her cycle, and has six kids. There's an unfairness to it all,
that makes as much sense as me spending years hiding in the bathrooms
during recess because my name starts with M and I lack the hand-eye
coordination to do a lay-up.
I've also discovered that having no
children makes me more and more of an anomaly the further I get into
my 30s. This has increased the sense of being left out. I can't
hang out at playgrounds to make new friends (at least not without
looking like a creep). I can't commiserate on the stresses of
finding a daycare or potty training. I see so many blog posts
and articles shared online with tag lines like “Parents of kids
will get this”. Sometimes reading my Facebook feed feels a bit
like when kids in school would tell inside jokes, then say things
like, “Oh, you wouldn't get it if you weren't at Kristi's house
that time.” I knew a guy all through school who became a night
club promoter and posts daily about his obsession with Beyonce
Knowles. I read his FB feed when I need to feel like I'm not the
only irresponsible non-parent in my age group. That's not to knock my
friends who share these things; it's just that being 33 and childless
makes me feel more and more like I'm among the stragglers waiting to
be picked in gym class, hoping and praying that I won't be chosen
last.
The worst part of the equation is the
sense of being alone. You know know instinctively when you're being
bullied at school that the worst thing you can do is cry. You have
to pretend to be strong and not care. Struggling with infertility is
a constant walk of pretending to have it together. No one wants to
hear about your menstrual cycles and timing issues. You're afraid to
share because of the dreaded “advice” that well-meaning people
dole out,* and the knowledge that after you've opened your mouth,
this person will watch you for signs of pregnancy and you might spend
the next months, or possibly years, having to say, “Not yet”
again and again.
This is a walk in which it can get hard
to see if anyone listens or cares, and even of God is there for you.
I'm not saying He's not. I am a Christian and I hold tight to that
faith, but there are days when I feel more alone than I've ever felt
before. If this is you, please don't suffer alone. You don't have
to eat lunch in the girls' room. You don't have to cry alone at
night and think no one can hear. If this is you, please email me at
mrsdoctordear2 AT gmail.com. The truth is, I'm not alone either. I have some fantastic online friends that I've bonded with throughout this process, and who keep me sane on days when I am on the precipice of losing it altogether.
And if you are a parent who has never
struggled with this issue, remember your a childless friends and be
mindful of this divide. You may not know they are struggling. Post
some cat videos online one in a while to give a respite from the baby
talk. Let them in on your pregnancy and parenting struggles, but
listen to their concerns too. Be there for them. It's a long and
lonely road sometimes.
*I have found this article extremely helpful in covering the etiquette around infertility.
*I have found this article extremely helpful in covering the etiquette around infertility.
