I'm Tired

I thought I'd be blogging up a storm when I finished university, and I haven't. I'm sorry. I'd like to say that life got hectic, and there were certainly some hectic weeks, but the truth is that I ran out of words to say. I've found myself emotionally exhausted.

I'm just so tired. I'm tired of infertility. I'm tired of talking about it all the time, and I'm tired of *having* to talk about it because if I don't, hardly anyone is sensitive.

I'm tired of feeling guilty for a million reasons: Guilt that my husband isn't a father yet and my mother isn't a grandmother. Guilt that I still struggle so much emotionally. Guilt that my depression has left me unable to do as much at home as I should. Guilt that people have to walk on eggshells around me and that I can't just "get over it". I know this is not good, because my mom struggles a lot with guilt and it hasn't always been the best for our relationship, but I still walk around with this rock on me.

I'm tired of nosy questions and having to grit my teeth and smile when yet another person asks why we don't have children. It is not your business.

I'm tired of being phased out of friendships, either because I'm not positive enough, or because I can't maintain relationships where I am expected to listen to every detail about their children but honest discussion of the deepest issues of my heart is off-limits because it's too "uncomfortable".

I'm tired of the cycle of hope-and-disappointment, month after month, year after year.

I'm tired of being afraid that I sound down and sad on my blog, and feeling like I ought to end on a thoughtful or positive note, when some days I just can't.