Infertile at Christmas

I'm going to be honest here: I'm struggling with Christmas. I used to love everything about Christmas: The stockings, the tree, the nativity scenes, carols at church, snow, evening church services, coloured lights, pretty much everything except eggnog. Even when I was working in Ottawa and had to drive to Toronto at noon on the 24th, I would do so with joy because it was Christmas. The last few years, though, I find myself wishing away I could fall asleep in November and wake up in January. This isn't just wanting to get past my exams without writing them (though that would be nice). It is more a factor of the constant pain of infertility, which tends to feel more overwhelming during the holidays.

In the first place, Christmas is a time when we talk about families. I get bombarded by cards with pictures of everyone's beautiful children, often with one more child this year than last. I hear ads on the radio talking about what to get my kids for Christmas, or even what to get my husband to show him that he's a great dad. (I had to change the channel for that last one as I burst into tears on the highway.) Next to Mother's Day, I find that Christmas is the time of year when I am most reminded that I am not a mother, that I don't have a family, and that I don't fit in.

Christmas is also a time when we talk about baby Jesus. A lot. I mean, yes, Christmas is increasingly secularized, and you can get through it with minimal exposure to a manger scene, but you get what I mean. Yes, I know, the original Christmas story is about two people who were shocked and not ready to be parents and who had to start their family in terrible circumstances. Yes, I know it's Jesus and not some random baby. It's still images of babies, here and there and everywhere. There are still days when I see that nativity picture, with Mary lovingly bent over the infant Jesus, and my heart aches for the child I wanted to have, the baby whose crib I would lean over to sing lullabies, the one that I will never have. It still hurts.

Mostly though, Christmas marks the passing of time, and the whole holiday season is a chance to take stock in the year. This year sucked. Sorry, but it did. I lost a dear friend. I lost others in my life. In our family, we had serious illness, marriage separation, and conflict. In the world, we had some pretty bad things as well. I find it hard to look ahead and say that maybe 2016 will be better when I remember that in 2012, and 2013, and 2014, I went into the holidays thinking it might be my last Christmas without a baby on the way, that the coming year would bring life and joy when in fact it has brought increasing sadness. I feel like infertility has taken my ability to look ahead. I used to be one of those people who would hear about Jesus coming back and think, "Not yet. I have so much left to do." Now I understand why people yearn for His coming, because I find it so hard to find the joy in this life and it doesn't sound like such a raw deal to leave it behind.

I usually try to end posts like this on some kind of inspiring note, like, "Here's how I'm holding on to hope" or "God is still good". I don't know how to do this. I haven't given up on life and faith, but I don't have it in me to pretend that I'm not drowning each and every day. Pray for me this Christmas. More than that, pray for those around you who are lonely. Invite the childless into your home, and those without families. Remember that for many people, the holidays are hard. Love your neighbour. Share your joy.

Top Ten Tuesday: Ten New-To-Me Authors in 2015

I've read a lot of books in 2015, especially considering the fact that I've been in school most of the time. I read for pleasure when the pressures of school get overwhelming, and I do spend a lot of time on the bus and subway going to and from university. Because of that, I get to read a lot of wonderful authors. Today at The Broke and the Bookish, the theme is favourite new-to-me read in 2015. Here is my list:

1. Joseph Boyden: I've posted about him a lot, but I read The Orenda in the winter and fell in love, then promptly read his two other novels. I am totally hooked!

2. Hilary Mantel: I put off Wolf Hall for ages, thinking it would be dry, but ended up rushing through it because I got so into the story. I didn't like Bring Up the Bodies quite as much, but am still super impressed with her attention to detail, and would like to read more of her.

3. Marie Lu: I read the whole Legend series as well as The Young Elites, and really enjoyed them both.

4. M.R. Carey: I honestly didn't love The Girl With All The Gifts, but thought it was intriguing and curious, and am very impressed with the writing style.

5. Neil Gaiman: How I went this long without reading Gaiman, I don't know, but I have now and I'll be reading a lot more.

6. Emily St. John Mandel: Station Eleven was one of my favourite books this year. I loved Mandel's writing style and the creative take on the dystopia genre.

7. Dr. Atul Gawande: Being Mortal was one of the best books I've read in a long time, and I've been recommending it to everyone I know. Few people can write about the world of medicine in a way that is so easy to ready by laypeople. I'm so glad I discovered him.

8. Anthony Trollope: Despite being an avid fan of the classics, I'd never read Trollope, but He Knew He Was Right was a surprising hit for me, so I'll read more of him.

9. Art Spiegelman: I read The Complete Maus for my graphic novels course, and it blew me away.

10. Sean Michaels: I not only read Us Conductors this spring, but I got signed because he did a reading at the Reference Library. :) I was really impressed with all the background research Michaels did on the theremin and on Russian history.

Top Ten Tuesday - (American) Thanksgiving Edition

This week is a Thanksgiving theme over at The Broke and the Bookish, so I've chosen to write about fictional families. There are some families in books that are so fun and sweet and I would totally want to be at their table for Thanksgiving dinner. Here are five:

1. The Weasleys from the Harry Potter series: I think we all saw that one coming. How much fun would it be to spend a holiday in the Burrow?!

2. The Bennets from Pride and Prejudice: Okay, Mary is awkward and Lydia is a handful, but I think it would be fun chatting with Lizzie and Jane and having a laugh at Mr Bennet's dry wit.

3. Lara Jean's family from To All the Boys I've Loved Before (and the sequel): I love the three sisters from this series. They are funny and quirky, and they fight but still love each other. I feel like they would be a blast to hang out with for Thanksgiving dinner. (Not to mention, Lara Jean would bake something delicious for dessert!)

4. Lou's family from Me Before You and After You: Sure, they've got problems, and they probably don't have much room around the table, but Lou is hilarious and her nephew and grandfather are a riot. I think they'd be welcoming and warm.

5. The Green Gables family from Anne of Green Gables: Yes, they're a non-traditional family, but Anne is such a riot and Matthew is so warm, and you know that with Marilla cooking, the food would be fantastic.

And five families that would make staying home alone preferable!
6. The Malfoys from the Harry Potter series: They're arrogant and they're racists (or the Wizard equivalent). Need I say more?

7. Any family in a Gillian Flynn novel, but especially the Camille's family in Sharp Objects: I'd rather impale myself WITH all those sharp objects than spend the day with this collection of people. Soooo creepy.

8. King Arthur's family as portrayed in The Mists of Avalon: I mean, the food would probably be great, but it comes with a healthy side dish of dysfunction.

9. The de Bourgh family from Pride and Prejudice: Colonel Fitzwilliam's comment sums it up: "My aunt does talk a great deal, but seldom requires a response." Considering I'm not a gentleman's daughter, I think it would just be an evening of awkwardness, even if I were granted a look at the famous chimney piece of Rosings Park.

10. The Karamazov family in The Brothers Karamazov: Way too much baggage and drama for my liking.

Happy Thanksgiving to any American readers! Enjoy your time with family and friends!

Top Ten Tuesday: 10 Book To Movie/TV Adaptations I Still Need To Watch

I've skipped a few TTT due to not really feeling the topics, but today's discussion at The Broke and the Bookish is a fun one. We're talking about which book adaptations we are looking forward to, or which ones are already out that we still need to watch. One thing about me is that I rarely watch movies. It's not for any philosophical reason. I just rarely get out to the cinema. I've seen one film in theatres this year so far... That said, here are some that I really need to make time for, one of these days:

1. Mansfield Park: There are several adaptations of this book, but I haven't seen any of them. I hear good things about the 1999 version, even if it's not loved by all Austenites.

2. Paper Towns: I quite enjoyed this John Green book, actually (whispers) more than I liked The Fault In Our Stars. I'd love to see the film.

3. Divergent: I'm just waiting for this to play on TV some days so I can convince my husband to watch with me.

4. The Remains of the Day: Anthony Hopkins and Emma Thompson. How in the world have I not seen this film?

5. Life of Pi: I didn't particularly like this book, despite all the hype. However, I hear the film is wonderful and I really do want to watch it.

6. The Great Gatsby: I'm a sucker for Baz Luhrmann. He makes such gorgeous films.

7. Wolf Hall: Now that I've read both Wolf Hall and Bring Up The Bodies, catching the mini-series is on my radar, for when I'm not buried in school assignments.

8. Matilda: I adore this book, but the movie came out just before I turned 16, so when I was feeling way too old to see a kids' movie. I hear it's great though.

And finally two adaptations that I won't see until I've actually read the books:
9. War and Peace: One day, I will read this book. I swear it. I'd also like to see some of the film adaptations, as well as the upcoming BBC miniseries.

10. The Book Thief: It's on my to-read list, I promise!

General Life Update

This is just a post to let people know how things are going in various aspects of our lives. I'm just realizing that there are people who read my blog because they genuinely want to keep up with me, and I haven't been doing the best at that, so I'm sorry. Here is what's going on in various areas of life:

School: I'm still in grad school, halfway through the fall semester. These past few weeks have been extremely busy with work, three classes, a practicum, and Bible study, and I'm a bit overloaded. Overall, though, the program has been great and I enjoy my classes. (Well, I enjoy most of them...) It has tremendously helped my emotional health to spend a lot of time in a place where no one thinks to ask/grill/interrogate me about when we will have kids, why we don't have kids, and various and sundry biological clock issues. I've met some great friends through my program as well. I will be finished in April, so I'm starting to think about when to apply for a job in my field. Yikes!

Work: I still work at my church, though I cut my hours back because of school. I am honestly praying about how long to continue in this position. I love my church, but I want to do the best I can at my job, and it's hard to do that when I am so drained by school, etc. We shall see.

Marriage: We had our fourth wedding anniversary last week. Time flies! Well, I don't know if it's flown by, honestly. There are days when I feel like we just got married yesterday, and other days when I look at photos from our wedding day and marvel at how young and unaware I was. I find special days bittersweet right now. I remember how I pictured my life at four year's married, and it certainly didn't involve being childless, a receptionist, or in school. However, our love for each other continues to grow and I am convinced that God will use these troubles to strengthen us if we let it.

Infertility: Well, it still sucks. I go through periods when this struggle is all-consuming and debilitating, and others in which it is just a constant pain in my heart, but livable. Today it's livable. We are not pursuing any treatment at this time for various reasons, but it is still a constant source of sadness.

Cat: Is great! My cat is a light when things feel dark. (God is a light too, of course, but He's not so cuddly.)

Gratuitous cat photo

Other random stuff: I've joined a new gym. It is frequented by absolutely hilarious older ladies who make me chuckle in the changerooms. I'm also really, really hoping that we'll be able to take a vacation this winter, because we desperately need some prolonged alone time.

That's all for now!

Top Ten Tuesday: 10 Wishes for the Book Genie

I'm a little late, but I can't resist this week's Top Ten Tuesday topic: Ten wishes we'd ask the book genie to grant us. I've basically gone as wildly unrealistic as possible. Here is my list:

1. More time to read. Like create extra hours in the day that are only accessible for reading, not for work or housework or whatever.

2. A VIP line for library holds, or preferential treatment for us frequent users.

3. A cloaking device so that I can laugh or cry to my heart's content while reading on the subway or read in public places without anyone talking to me.

4. Some kind of magic spell so my books to stay open to the right place, without me breaking the spine.

5. Some kind of magic so that big clunky hardcover books are not so heavy and fit easily in my purse.

6. Built in shelves with a sliding ladder, or basically my own library.

7. A beacon so that I can identify people who the same books as me while I'm out and about.

8. All the Harry Potter merch available. Like all of it.

9. To attend a recreation of the Netherfield ball. It could happen, right?

10. To be able to read my favourite books for the first time again and experience everything anew.

Infertility Chat: You're allowed to be sad.

I've been neglecting my blog lately. Yikes! This semester just started biting back and I've been stressed. However, despite having an exam to study for and a million things to do, I've got words flowing through my head and fingers right now, so I am writing.

The infertility community is... interesting. It can be life-giving to find your tribe, to realize you're not alone in your struggle. On the other hand, becoming involved in infertility groups or even just conversations about the journey can make you crazy. The questions. The comments. The need to justify your decisions. The feelings of comparison and jealousy and sometimes the one-upmanship. I feel the need to say something important and that is: You're allowed to be sad. Yes, you.

If you've "only" been trying six months, or one year, or five years. No matter how long you've been trying, you're allowed to be sad. It's hard.

If you haven't tried everything, and even if you're not sure whether treatment is for you, you're allowed to be sad. It doesn't mean you want it less or you're less deserving of a child.

If you don't want to pursue adoption, you're allowed to be sad. There is no law that infertile couples must adopt. It isn't for everyone, and just because you don't want to go that route doesn't mean you don't want a child enough.

If your spouse isn't on board for treatment, you're allowed to be sad. It's lonely to feel like you're not on the same page. Just because you won't strong-arm them doesn't mean you don't want it that badly.

If you have told everyone in your life about your infertility, you're allowed to feel alone (and sad). Having people know what's happening doesn't mean they truly know your struggle.

If it's a happy occasion for someone else, you're allowed to be sad. It doesn't mean you aren't excited for them. You can be happy and sad at the same time. It's called being real.

If you've already had children and are having trouble conceiving another, you're allowed to be sad. You don't feel like your family is complete, and that doesn't mean you don't appreciate your existing children.

The bottom line is, don't let anyone tell you that you aren't allowed to feel. This is your journey. These are your emotions. Infertility is lonely and hard and soul-destroying, and you're allowed to be sad about it. One day, when you're further along this rugged road, someone will come to you with tears in her eyes, and spill her story, and it will be your turn not to judge or to invalidate her story, but to simply say, "It's okay. It's okay to feel sad."