I've recently come to grips with the
fact that I may be a housewife. I don't even know when that sets in.
Apparently, couples are still considered “newlyweds” up until
their second wedding anniversary, but how long do I have to be out of
the workforce before I'm officially a “housewife”? A few times
when I've talked to someone over the phone (like at a bank or
something) and they ask for my profession, I stumble and eventually
elicit a response like, “Oh, so you're a homemaker.” Because my
husband is a doctor, being “at home” is presented like a very
normal choice for me. I'm guessing if he worked at Tim Hortons, I
would be seen as “looking for work” rather than a “housewife”.
Maybe I am hung up on semantics, but
the term “housewife” is a bit difficult for me. I am very
supportive of women (and men as well) who stay at home to serve their
families. I admire Stay at Home Moms and Work at Home Moms. I just
have trouble reconciling myself, as a non-mom, with not working.*
After so many years of needing to work to pay the rent and buy
groceries, it feels almost wrong to be buying things without my own
income, despite the fact that though my husband is fine with
supporting us. Even though there are benefits to being home, I just
feel a bit lazy, no matter how hard I try to use the time wisely.
One of my issues is that I feel so
unprepared to be a housewife. I have this image of a housewife/SAHM,
some sort of a June Cleaver type, and it's not me. I don't enjoy
cleaning (though I do it anyway, don't worry). I don't particularly
like cooking unless I'm doing it with Gil or with a friend. I'm
fairly certain the supposed female trait of wanting to decorate has
evaded me all these years, as I have zero desire to flip through a
magazine like House and Home, and still don't understand what
Pinterest is. I would rather study Chinese than think about home
design.
In my most honest and vulnerable
moments, I'll admit that this makes me feel like a defective woman,
and a bad wife. What happened to my x-chromosomes? Did they get
bent or something? There are moments when I feel like a
double-disappointment: I've failed as a “girl power” independent
women by being out of work for so long, but I'm lousy at being a
conservative homemaker. I try to laugh about it, but it cuts right
to the heart of who I am and what I was made for. I've mentioned
before that I am in a
desert place these days, trying to figure out which direction to go. I'm blessed to have a supportive husband, but
some days it's hard. I didn't realize how much of my self-image was
wrapped up in what I
did: The woman who paid of her student
loans in two years, who bought her own home at 27, who worked hard
and yet was busy almost every night serving at church, attending
Bible studies, and seeing friends. It's hard to find the me that's
inside all that wrapping, and it's hard to redefine my own
worthiness.
One thing I've learned though, is that
things that are hard are worth doing, and that it's important to
think and pray through these issues now, rather than finding another
cloak to wrap myself in and having the same issues resurface in a few
years. So please pray with me as I continue on this journey, and as
always, I'd love to hear your thoughts. :-)
Addendum: I wrote part of this post a
few weeks ago, and have been adding to it for the past couple of
days. This morning's reading took me to Judges 4, the story of
Deborah and Jael, which is one of my favourite chapters. I guess God
thought I needed a reminder that women can be godly in
non-traditional roles!
*Just to specify: I haven't for sure decided not to go back to work,
but at present I need to face the reality that I'm not working and do
not know when I will be.
