On the Term "Childless"

I've been thinking a lot about words lately. As a writer, words are important to me. There is a reason why we choose one synonym and not the other, why we say that something is 'gargantuan' instead of just 'big', for example. I myself have been known to prefer the term 'barren' because the former conveys the bleakness of my lost hopes in a way that the medical 'infertile' does not. Lately, as we ponder the life ahead of us, I'm wondering about 'childless' versus 'childfree'.

This is a polarizing topic. Those who choose not to have children often define themselves boldly as 'childfree', showing that they feel unencumbered by the societal pressure to have a family. It's something I admire, but I do not relate to. I do not feel like I belong among the 'childfree', those who are pleased to choose a life where they can go across the country on a moment's notice, trek the Andes, or just go for drinks after work without ever worrying about who will do the daycare pick-up. Moreover, my inability to conceive feels less like freedom and more like a millstone around my neck, dragging me to the depths, a perpetual burden. I do not think that I will ever view my lack of children as anything other than a lifelong grief.

On the other hand, there is the term 'childless'. Some people, particularly mothers, prefer this term because 'childfree' denotes a sense that to have children is burdensome. I sympathize, because I do experience my situation as marked by loss; however, I do not like those who have children deciding on the term that I - who cannot conceive - should use to define myself. More importantly, I do not wish to constantly define myself as 'less than'.

Those of us who have been in this position, pushing into the 30s with nary a stroller or a bassinet or a baby bump, have perhaps experienced the sense that at some point, their lack of children made them somehow 'less' than others. With phrases exalting a "mother's love" and a "mother's heart", and declaring that "moms are special people", we who are not mothers are defined as less loving, less compassionate. Our time is always less important; it is we the childless who should work late in the office and cover all the holidays. I hear this constantly as my husband consistently works almost every holiday in the year so that the parents in his practice can 'be with their families', as though I am not my husband's family, and as though Gil does not deserve to attend church on Easter like the rest of the doctors can. As though my punishment for being barren is that I should spend the next 20 years of Christmases alone while my husband works at the hospital, so that the deserving fertile people get to be with their families. We are told that our opinions and experiences are less meaningful when people throw around phrases like, "Well, you'll feel different about that when you have children." In churches, we are often an afterthought, the ones asked to teach Sunday school or hand out programs at the multitude of 'family-friendly' events; we are part of the body of Christ, but we're one of those less vital organs, like the appendix or the spleen. The moms - special as they are - get to be the heart and the lungs.

So when I am told that I ought to use the phrase 'childless' to appease some mothers, I wonder why? Why should I walk around defining myself constantly as lacking, as less than, as having a piece missing?  But maybe, in fact, we don't need a term for us as all, because we don't really exist. We are like the wallpaper that you might have noticed at first, but after a while you've forgotten whether it has flowers or polka dots. I don't need a word for my lack of children because my deep grief barely exists, it is invisible to most - even those have been told about it repeatedly - and in a sense, it's as though I don't really exist either.

Top Ten Tuesday: Resolutions (Bookish and Otherwise)

I don't do new year's resolutions. It's just not my thing. I did them in the past, but the combo of guilt and malaise killed them. Now I just resolve to do stuff when it's the right time to do it. This year, I'm focusing on JOY, finding it, living it, etc. I'll post more on that later in the week. However, today at The Broke and the Bookish, we're talking about resolutions, so I have a few in the back of my mind.

Non-Bookish:
1. Finish school: This isn't a resolution as much as something I have to do unless I feel like coughing up another year of tuition.

2. Formulate a good strategy for job search, and pursue it: When I finished my M.A., I felt totally at sea about finding a job. I don't think I went about it in a methodical way, and I felt out of my element. I'd like to do better this time around.

3. Find a (good) therapist: This has been an ongoing struggle. If you've read a lot of my posts, you know that it's been a very difficult couple of years, and I think this would help me to deal with life.

4. Take a really good vacation with the hubs: It's been too long, and I've got Paris on my mind...

5. Redo my blog interface because it's looking a little sad.

Bookish:
6. Read more theology books: Last year I wanted to read more non-fiction, and I did, but now I want to focus on finding the joy in my faith, and I think good books will help. Any recommendations?

7. Read 52 books in my GoodReads challenge: Last year, I read 89, so I'm not really concerned about meeting that goal.

8. Finish 10 books in my Classics Club challenge list, so that I'm on track to finish my 50 books by June of 2018: Right now, I'm at 28 books at exactly halfway through the 5-year challenge.

9. Edit my novel and decide what to do about it: That's right, I wrote a novel. I finished it in 2014, but then school got crazy and it's just been sitting on my computer. I'd like to at least have it cleaned up a bit, even if I only share it with a handful of people.

10. Read more books from my Kindle: I buy them on sale, and then they just sit there. My winter TBR was supposed to be all about Kindle books, but it's January and I haven't started this yet...

It's not a resolution, but I'm thinking of reading a big series. This will depend on my job situation, but if I have some time on my hands after finishing school, I'd like to delve into one of the series that I have avoided due to school. That might be A Song of Ice and Fire or Outlander, or I might just re-read Harry Potter. :)

The Lord Giveth and the Lord Taketh Away

It's been a heavy week. Aside from my hectic last week of school, which involved a flurry of exams and papers, I lost someone dear to me. One of my oldest and closest friends J lost her father to cancer last Saturday. Until last spring, he was a health enthusiast who did yoga and cycled regularly; we all expected him to live as long as his own father, who only passed away within the past two years. I have known Mr. C since I was three years old. He was one of the kindest men I have ever known. He welcomed everyone with open arms. He always made you laugh. He had a dozen funny nicknames for everyone, calling me Margaretta and even Margot Fonteyn (a reference that was lost on my seven-year-old self). I will miss him dearly.

The funeral for Mr. C was yesterday, a beautiful tribute to his generous spirit and the love and admiration that so many people had for him. My best friend came into town (she and I were university roommates with J) and we cried on each other's shoulders while a soloist sang Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah". It was a beautiful and heartbreaking day.

If I'm being honest (and why not), this year has been awful, just plain awful. It started on January 1 with the worst flu that Gil and I had had in years and it seems to have gone downhill since then. 12 months later later and we are still no closer to having a child and it feels like a constant cycle of grief: Grief for the baby we may never have, grief for the relationship that Gil and I shared before infertility took over our lives, grief for a man whose life was taken so soon.

While we were walking to church from my mother's house, we passed a long-time neighbour whose own wife lost her fight with early-onset Alzheimer's just over a year ago. Then last night, a high school friend posted on Facebook that his mother is probably in her last days. These are heavy days indeed. I knew that one day we would move into that stage of life when we have to watch our parents decline, but I had always thought that would be decades away.

As a Christian, if I'm being honest, I don't know where God is in all of this. I want to be that smiley-faced woman full of faith that His path is the right one and His timing is perfect, but the truth is that right now, His path feels rocky and arduous, and I don't know where it leads. I'm not saying that I will walk away and take a new path, just that I feel like the best I can muster right now is, in the words of Cohen, "a cold and a broken Hallelujah." I pray it is enough.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
1 Corinthians 4:16-18

Feeling Blue

I've been feeling pretty down lately.  Last week was rough as I attended a funeral for a family friend who had Alzheimer's.  In addition, I'm dealing with a few other issues and November always gets me down with its grey and rainy weather.   Lately I've been feeling like life is moving so fast and I'm still getting nowhere.  Even good things, like two close friends having babies, haven't raised my mood so much as made me sad that I'm not able to see these friends and their little ones as much as I'd like.

Work has been crazy as we move into our busiest season, and I end up spending way more time at meetings than I would like.  It feels like I'm going in circles lately.

In addition, I've felt like I just don't have words to write any more.  I like blogging, but I get tripped up in keeping the balance between sharing what is meaningful to me without overdoing it.  

All that adds up to one fact:  I'm in a funk.  Friends, how do you deal with these low periods?  What cheers you up?

On Being Fruitful (Or Not)

Last week was rough.  We have five (yes, five) babies expected among our staff.  When the fifth one pregnancy was announced this week, I was both very excited for the expectant parents, and aware that I needed to steel myself for the coming onslaught.  And come, it did.  Not an hour after the announcement, and all of a sudden I was bombarded with the questions about when it would be my turn to have a baby.  Someone even touched my stomach.  I wish I were exaggerating, but this really happened.

All of this made me want to write a post on how frustrating it is to field so many fertility-related questions, but then I remembered that I already did that before.  In the midst of this crazy week, I happened to read a post by a woman named Heather that made me tear up.  Please take the time to read it and be reminded why this topic is so difficult for many women (and men), and why questions on family planning can strike a nerve.  I've said it before, but this doesn't mean we can't be open with our friends and ask hard questions; it does mean, however, that you should think twice before asking a personal question to someone you've only met on Sundays in the church lobby.  On top of fertility struggles, there could be marital issues, health concerns, financial situations, or other issues that are keeping couples from starting a family, so please bear this in mind before you ask what seems to be an innocent question.  Just to clarify, this is NOT the case with us at present, but I am well aware that could be in the future, so I'm sensitive to the issue.

Anyway, this past week's frustrations have led me to ask God daily for His help in trusting Him, and as a result, I've begun to rejoice in the fruitfulness I see all around me.  Aside from the pregnancies at work, I have two close friends expecting babies, and two of my former youth group girls (who are now married and in their 20s).  It has been so amazing to see this women go from teens to mature adults.  As well, last Wednesday, I noticed that a pair of bluejays have built a nest in our front yard tree, so I anticipate baby birds in the coming weeks (or months?); for me, it was hugely comforting to know that there is new life on our property even in the midst of a week that felt lifeless.  We are planning a vegetable garden, so we anticipate growth and new life in our own backyard.  God is alive, and He is good.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come 

that they may have life, and have it to the full.

John 10:10

Reader Input Requested: What Did You Do With Your Wedding Dress?

Before I got engaged, I thought spending a lot of money on a wedding dress was ridiculous.  Seriously, what's the point?  You only wear it once!  My best friend rented her wedding dress, with fabulous results (half the cost and you don't have to clean or store it), so I planned on doing the same.  The only glitch was time and location:  Our engagement was just over 4 months, and the only dress renting store I knew of was 4 hours away.  I thought I'd get a used dress, but I decided to try a few new ones on and ended up falling in love with this beauty:

Anais Collection (now Coco Anais)106

Of course, I caved and bought it (though I had the sparkly sequin belt replaced by ribbon, much to the amusement of the wedding store; apparently I'm the only bride ever to want LESS bling).  I loved my dress and am so glad I listened to my mom and bought it.

Gratuitous wedding dress photo

Isn't the back so pretty!?

A few months ago, we had a guest speaker at our church who challenged us on how much STUFF we have sitting around our houses.  It's true that most of us have clothes we don't wear, kitchen gadgets we've never used, and books we'll never read.  I thought I'd purged a lot of stuff after moving twice in a year, but could still do more.  Sitting there in the pew, I was reminded suddenly of my wedding dress, in our basement closet gathering dust (well, the garment bag is gathering dust at least).  What if I sold it and gave the money to a worthy cause?  I thought of the verses in Matthew 6:  "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Readers, this is where I get real with you:  I went home and looked up options for my dress on the internet.... and then I left the links open in my browser for weeks without using them.  My dress is still in the basement, and when I think about selling it, I get emotional.  I know it's silly.  I know any future daughter will likely not want to use my dress for her own wedding.  I know it how unlikely I am to ever wear it again... yet I hesitate, grasping in my hands this earthly treasure.  Maybe today will be the day I finally let go...

This is where I want your input, especially those of you who have been married for longer than I have:  What did you do with your wedding dress?  Did you do a trash-the-dress session?  Did you sell it?  Do you ever try it on just to feel like a princess again? :-)

Saturday Strolling and How You Can Support Crisis Pregnancy Centres

Yesterday morning, I took a break from studying Mandarin to attend the First Response Relay in support of Toronto's Pregnancy Care Centre. I was initially asked to help do set-up and hadn't planned on doing the walk, but when I saw a few friends there, I decided to join in.  We had a chilly start, but warmed up as we walked around 5km and recapping it now gives me a chance to share about this amazing organization.  It was a great way to get some exercise on a Saturday morning and meet people from all over the city who support the PCC.  I even met one of my favourite bloggers, and ended up introducing myself and looking like an awkward groupie. 

Enjoying some awesome music

I've been involved with the PCC for a few months now.  I started thinking about how much time and energy I had spent celebrating the pregnancies of friends and family, while there are so many people for whom becoming pregnant is more stressful than celebratory.  Many churches talk about being pro-life, but I wanted to be more about practical help than about politics.  Anyway, I signed up to attend a training day; this provided background information and practical help on how to respond when someone tells you about an unexpected pregnancy, although I found the tools and role playing transferable to other situations where someone is in crisis.  Since then, I've helped in a few small ways, like doing internet research and monitoring email. 

How can you support your local crisis pregnancy centre?  

• Assist with word-of-mouth, sharing with people you know, especially those who are more likely to come into conduct with someone in a crisis pregnancy, like teachers, guidance counselors, youth workers, etc.    
• Donate your time:  It doesn't mean you'll be counseling people; you could help moving furniture or other items that are donated to women in need, or like me, you could do internet research.
• You can donate used baby items or products that you don't need or like (e.g., diapers from a brand that doesn't fit right or in an outgrown size, formula if you're breastfeeding, wipes when you plan on using re-usable ones).  Many people pass on baby items to friends, but at least in my circle of friends, I don't know anyone who truly cannot afford that box of diapers. 

An Embarrassment of Riches

It's spring again, although you wouldn't know it to look outside, and I'm looking ahead to the new life that this season represents, as well as behind to whence I've come.  About a year ago, I wrote this post.  I was feeling frustrated as I waited for God to move in my life, to open a door or even a window so that I could feel at home.  I can't help but feel blessed as I look around me now. 

I used to be so frustrated about having nowhere to serve.  I was so involved in my old church, but in the new one it seemed like I had no idea where to look for opportunities.  Now, I find myself having to decide where to step back.  I've been involved with youth and a couple of other areas, and have recently been asked to serve in a para-church Bible study group that I attend.  It truly is an embarrassment of riches.

When I was offered my current job, I was worried that being "just" a receptionist would be so frustrating.  What would people think of me?  Today, I can say that I am very happy working part-time and having the rest of my days to focus on home, my Mandarin studies, etc.  Other opportunities may arise, and I'll consider them prayerfully, but God has been teaching me to stop seeing myself through the lens of being a career woman.

Even a few months ago, I was still feeling sad about not having many real Christian friends here.  I tried and tried to remind myself that it takes time, but that doesn't keep the loneliness at bay.  Recently, I've been meeting new friends in and out of the church.  I had an awesome time with a new friend this week, and the yesterday when I saw her at church, she turned to another woman that I think is wonderful, and said, "How about the three of us get together some time?"  I swear, the heavens opened up and I heard a big Hallelujah.  (Well, okay, not really).  This is what I've been craving:  Not just individual friendships but a group of ladies that I can have fun with and discuss life, faith, and everything else.  As an added bonus, two friends from Ottawa were here last weekend and I had a great time just enjoying the company of close girlfriends.

I'm not saying any of this to boast about how my life is so amazing.  I mean, I'm really blessed, but I still have those moments when I get locked out or spend half the day on the phone trying to figure out our health insurance benefits.  But when I look back at where I was last March, I see how much God has blessed me in the past 12 months and I am awed at His goodness.

On Knowing Yourself

Do you know your love language?  I've just started reading the Five Love Languages for my marriage reading series, and in preparation took a Love Languages quiz.  Hands-down my top language is "quality time", with "words of affirmation" in second place.  I already suspected this, but it's nice to see it officially.

This got me thinking about my moods lately.  Last week I was feeling low, but the past few days my attitude seems that my attitude has done a 180.  I was attributing this to the feeling of spring in the air, but then when I looked back at the last seven days, a theme came out.  This past week, I've started planning a visit with great friends, gone on a retreat with my youth group, and met up with a new friend.  So actually, I suspect that my mood has improved because I'm "feeling the love" from several sources and looking forward to some quality time with friends next weekend.



Of course, love languages are only one way to get to know your own personality and preferences.  We recently did tests at work to find our strengths, and I helped a friend fill out a Meyers-Briggs personality test, so took the liberty of trying it on myself too.  (I'm an INTJ, in case you're interested.)

As a psychologist's daughter, I was brought up with the idea that knowing oneself is about being able to identify your own needs, strengths, and weakness.  It's helpful to be able to tell Gil that doing X makes me feel loved, or to realize that a certain situation will be difficult for me because of my personality, so I'll have to be more prayerful and mindful of my attitude in the process.  On the other hand, we have to balance being self-aware with being self-absorbed.  We live in a world of all different personality types and love languages, so we can't expect everyone around us to cater to our own needs or preferences.  In fact, as Christians, we should be seeking to go out of our comfort zone in order to meet others at their needs.  (Tim Challies says this much better than I can in this entry.)

What about you?  Have you tried personality inventories, strength finders, etc., and have you found them helpful?  How do you balance your distinct personality and preferences with the call to serve and share the gospel in all situations?

Resolutions, Intentions, and Planning for a New Year

I'm not huge on making new year's resolutions. For much of my life, my resolutions typically involved health and weight-loss... even at those times when I really didn't need to lose weight. Moreover, these resolutions were generally abandoned a few weeks into the year. With this not-so-excellent track record, I've become wary of making resolutions. On the other hand, I am a big fan of goal-setting and looking ahead. This has become a bit more important for me now that I am married and have a house and have realized that I can no longer put things into the category of “I'll do that LATER when I'm grown up/settled/etc.” Life seems to be moving faster and faster as I get older. If I want to learn something or get into a new habit, I really should be doing it now, especially if it's something that will benefit my faith journey, my marriage, or my future children.

This has led me to think more deeply about what I want to achieve this year. I can think of lots of things that I should be changing, but which ones are most important? Instead of making one-off resolutions, I want to think about where I want to be in 2014, and make resolutions to help get me there. One of my university friends has a more comprehensive and far-sighted attitude to looking into the new year. She sets out both goals and intentions. The goals are things that are achievable by her own strength. (N.B. “Achievable” does not imply that they are easy!) Obviously, I know that all things are done through God and His strength, but the general idea is that a goal is something I can do without relying someone or something to be involved. For example, I could make a goal to run a marathon this year. I know I can do this, because I've run a half-marathon before, and if I pushed, could do more. This could be derailed by injury or illness, but otherwise, I could do it (although I have no plans to). An intention is something you want to do, but even if you do everything possible, it still might not happen. For example, you may want to get a new job this year, or to pregnant, or to make new friends. You can do things to help make your intention a reality, but you can't make it happen on your own.

After some thinking and praying, I wrote down a few goals and intentions for the year ahead, and I made a resolutions to do with each of them. I won't tell them all, because some are more personal, but I'll share one goal and one intention.

Goal: To grow in faith this year. I wrote this as a goal, although I suppose it's also an intention because God needs to take part in it. Nevertheless, I know that when my faith walk is not strong, it's usually because I have been lazy in prayer and Bible reading, and I know that the Word says if I draw near to God, He will draw near to me.

Action: Journaling. I used to journal alllllll the time, to pour out all my thoughts into volumes of notebooks, but since getting married, my journal entries have been woefully sparse. Writing in a journal does not make me holy, of course, but I find it helpful to be intentional about writing down what I am learning and keeping track of my prayer requests, etc. I love looking back on old journals and being reminded of what God did in my life during that time period. This year, I have resolved to journal at least once per week.

Intention: To make new friends and strengthen existing friendships. I've written a couple of times about how it's been difficult to make friends. After reading one of my previous posts, a friend suggested I check out the book MWF Seeking BFF, which relates one woman's experiences trying to make friends in a new city. The author also adds a lot of research on friendship, what makes people click, etc. It was an interesting read, and one thing I took out of it is that in this stage of life, making friends takes effort. The author put herself out there and consistently tried to meet with new people and then to follow-up on good matches. The book reminded me that I cannot continue to do almost nothing, and then lament that I haven't made any friends.

Action: Put myself out there more. Ask potential friends out for coffee. Invite people over (even though they might see how messy our house is). Get better at staying in touch with my current friends. We'll see how this goes...

As you all know, another of my resolutions is to read more books about marriage, and try to apply what I've learned. I've picked up the Timothy Keller book and am excited to share about it in the future.

So what about you? Do you have a resolution or goal for this year?

But Why?

My husband (somewhat) jokingly tells me that I ask too many questions. I'm always wondering, why he does think that, how does this work, etc. I say I'm just curious, but he thinks its hilarious (and occasionally annoying). This past week, however, was one of deeper questioning. I had applied to a full-time position where I work, and found out that I didn't get the job. I had not been seeking to work full-time until this opportunity arose, and even though it looked interesting, I didn't think my heart was set on it. Being turned down, however, threw me into a day or two of deep and anguished questioning what I am doing and why.

I was always “the smart one” in school, the one expected to go far. One of my high school teachers even insisted I was a future Rhodes scholar. Although I didn't fulfill her dream and go to Oxford, I did complete six years of higher education, and then worked for several years in an intellectually stimulating environment. And now.... I answer the phones. Even though most days I like my job, there are times when I wonder what I'm doing. This week I found myself crying to God, asking why He gave me this mind and educational opportunities only to end up answering phones. Why does it feel like I am squandering my potential? Will I ever have another job that's intellectually fulfilling? What if it takes us longer than we assume to have children, and I end up spending years and years doing routine admin work? Why don't things work out the way I plan them?

Fear is really at the heart of all these questions, and some of those fears are pretty shameful. I'm afraid of being dependent on another person. I'm afraid that people will look down on me because of my job. I'm afraid I'll lose my sharp wits and become dull, or that I'll never cut it in a domestic role. Most of all, I'm afraid because I don't understand God's plan for me.

What I'm realizing in my Bible reading this week, is that Christmas, far from being a feel-good jolly time, is actually full of these kind of fears and questions. There are so many questions in the Christmas story. Zechariah and Elizabeth wonder why the Lord has not blessed them with a child. Mary asks “But why me?” and “But how can this happen when I am a virgin?” Joseph asks what he should do about Mary's situation, and how they will manage the probable scandal of the pregnancy. They both wonder how come they have to go to Bethlehem at this inopportune time, and when the Jesus finally comes, they must have wondered how in the world they were going to raise the Messiah. The shepherds in turn wonder what is going on and why they are the ones blessed to be able to see the Messiah. And in the background, the whole nation of Israel is asking, “But when, Lord, when will the Messiah come?”

Our fears and questioning, far from taking us away from God, actually lead us towards Him as we seek answers and comfort from Him. We can know that we are not alone in not knowing the game plan or being confused; in fact, we're probably in good company with most of the people in Bible. We can marvel at the lowly carpenter and his wife who chose, in the midst of their fears, to obey God and find joy in His plan. And we can enjoy the presence of the One who knows all the answers (even if we don't understand them all).

For to us a child is born,

to us a son is given,

and the government will be on his shoulders. 

And he will be called

Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,

Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace

 

Merry Christmas, from our little family to yours!!

On Grumbling (Or Not)

When I worked at summer camp, our staff coordinator always started out training with her own set of "10 Commandments".  For some reason, although most of them have faded out of my memory in the last decade or so, #2 still stays with me:  "Thou shalt not grumble."*  It's pretty obvious why that was important.  Camp counselors work long days for little pay.  Their attitudes set the tone for the kids in their care, so it's important not to complain and whine... unless they feel like dealing with 12 children whining right back.

Since I work in reception, it's still very important to have a good attitude.  I don't want visitors to the church to hear me complaining, nor do I want to come across as a whiner to other staff.  Still, the temptation can be so strong to go home and vent to my husband about all the "trials" of my day, and while that may feel helpful, it often doesn't actually help me to adjust my attitude.  Instead, a small grumble leads to a bigger one, and now suddenly I'm annoyed at things that didn't even bother me before.  This certainly doesn't help me connect with my husband either:  He would certainly not prefer to spend our brief time together listening to my list of woes.

It's so easy to be a society of grumblers.  We hate waiting.  We hate bad service.  We hate traffic.  The problem is, most of these are unavoidable if we continue to live in cities and (usually) to put ourselves and our convenience ahead of that of others.  Living in a grumbling society, we use our complaints as a form of bonding:  "Yeah, I hate that cable company too!"  This doesn't make us any happier, however, because instead of building one another up, we're tearing other people and things down. 

Last week was quite a "grumbly" week for me.  We were super-busy at work, and in general I wasn't busy with tasks that are among my strengths or giftings.  Several times, I came home in the evening wishing I had checked my attitude more.  This week, I'm resolving to be more careful about the things I let come out of my mouth, and the attitude I am cultivating. 

What does the Bible say about this?  Oh yeah, "Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe."  (Philippians 2:14-15).  Obviously, I have a lot of room to grow!


*Evidently I'm not the only one who remembers this commandment.  A few days ago, said person posted a facebook status that was somewhat negative.  She immediately received this reply from another former counselor: "Is that grumbling I hear?"

These Days

These days life has gotten pretty hectic, or at least more so than before.  Even though I am only working three or four days a week, fitting that into my schedule alongside my Chinese classes has meant some adjustments.  In addition to that, my brother's wedding is looming on the horizon so showers, bachelorette parties, and other family events have been thrown into the mix, so our life has been busy and will be getting busier:  Coming up in September we have weddings on three consecutive weekends.  Thank God for the invention of coffee!

The craziness lately has put blogging on the back burner, but I am aiming to keep things current on here.  Here are a few snippets of what has been going on 'round here:

1)  Work:  I have really enjoyed getting back into the working world.  My colleagues are very nice, and I am learning so much about the workings of our church.  We have some big things coming up (new staff, new ministries starting up) and I am beginning to feel like a part of the church rather than someone who just shows up on Sunday mornings.  The position has also been teaching me so much about listening.  While the bulk of my work is just forwarding messages and transferring calls, we do get people who call the church just to request prayer or just to talk to someone.  This has been very humbling, as I tend to be a "do-er"; sitting and listening is not my forte.  It's also been humbling as I learn that I really don't have answers to a lot of questions.  I am convinced that I know the One who has all answers, that is not always comforting to someone who is going through great trials.  I am learning day by day to lean on God more and to speak less.

2)  Travel:  Last weekend I went to Kingston for a girls' weekend with some friends.  We all lived and studied in Kingston together, so thought it would be fun to revisit some of our old haunts.  (White Mountain ice cream was pretty much first on our agenda.  If you've never been, you should go...)  It was lovely getting caught up with each other, but I was a bit exhausted by the end of the weekend and happy to get home to my hubby.  It was also a reminder of how much I have changed in the past ten years since becoming a Christian.  As much as I try to be sensitive and not preachy, there are definitely times when my old friends think I'm a bit odd.  Oh well!

3)  Cats:  My poor kitty has been through the ringer lately.  I had a few concerns about her health before her recent escape, but they seem to have gotten worse and the vet thinks she has colitis.  If you've never had to give pills to an angry tabby twice a day, thank the Good Lord/your lucky stars/anything else you can think of and pray you never have to!  There is a scratch on my leg that I swear is two inches long and I fear it won't be the last...

Cat Adventures

We had a bit of a crisis this past week. For those of you who are unaware, I am an unashamed cat lover. In fact, had I not met Gil, it's quite possible that I could have ended up an old lady with 15 cats... My mom and brother also love cats, including sharing photos of cats, giving cat calendars as gifts, etc.

Cat-related gifts, Exhibit A:  These are for serving cheese

This past week, my cat Sadie ran away. We don't know when she got out, but it was likely Monday or Tuesday. Early in the week, I began to notice that she had not been eating, but we thought that could be due to the hot weather. She had also stopped jumping on our bed at night, but we first thought that was heat-related as well. By Wednesday, however, it seemed really strange that neither Gil nor I had seen her in a day or two.

On Thursday, I decided it was time to act (okay, first I cried like a baby). I called the animal shelters and freaked out when I heard they had reported a brown tabby that was hit by a car, even though it was way out in Scarborough. I printed posters of Sadie and put them up all around the neighbourhood. That evening, my Mom and her boyfriend came over and helped look for her on our street, but no luck.

Gil thought it would be best to leave back door wide open, just in case Sadie decided to return home overnight. I was afraid we would end up with a family of raccoons having a party in the kitchen, but I agreed to try it if it could help Sadie come home. Around 12:30, we were awakened when something leapt onto our bed. After ascertaining that this furry creature was ours, we rejoiced. God is so good to take care of the least of us, including my wayward Sadie.

Things I learned from this experience:

1) We are woefully unprepared for a power outtage. When my mom came over, we tried to find flashlights to help us find Sadie. A lengthy search revealed two that did not work, so I pulled out a candle in a glass jar instead.... except that I couldn't find any matches. Gil finally discovered a miniature flashlight, still in original packaging, inside a box in our garage. Obviously my earlier concerns about mass disaster did not lead us to do any actual preparation

2) It's cliché, but you really don't know what you've got 'til it's gone. (Thanks, Joni Mitchell!) Lately, Sadie had been getting on my nerves a bit, but now I'm so glad to have this little furry buddy at home with me.

3) My mom is amazing. After a long day, she dropped everything to come up and help us look for Sadie. She almost cried when I told her Sadie was home. I'm so blessed to have her.

4) I was really surprised by my husband. At various times, he has hinted that my family are a bit crazy in their fascination with cats. He has said that in the future, he would rather not have pets due to the extra work involved. Though he seemed to like Sadie, I was not sure whether he would think I was overreacting by getting so upset about her disappearance. On the contrary, he was so supportive, giving advice on how we might find her and getting up in the early hours of Thursday morning to look for her when he thought he heard a cat outside the window. Gil genuinely rejoiced to have Sadie home. Though he may not want a dozen cats in the future, he does love this one in his own way.

5) God comforts His children. In the past, I have tended to really panic in difficult times, even getting quasi-hysterical. Even though I was upset about Sadie, He gave me a clear mind to do what had to be done, and the self-composure to confront the idea that she may be gone for good. Even though I obviously didn't want that to happen, I was able to rest in the fact that I could not change what had happened, and I had to trust God in the journey.

Now I'll leave you with a photo of my dear furry friend:

On Being a Housewife

I've recently come to grips with the fact that I may be a housewife. I don't even know when that sets in. Apparently, couples are still considered “newlyweds” up until their second wedding anniversary, but how long do I have to be out of the workforce before I'm officially a “housewife”? A few times when I've talked to someone over the phone (like at a bank or something) and they ask for my profession, I stumble and eventually elicit a response like, “Oh, so you're a homemaker.” Because my husband is a doctor, being “at home” is presented like a very normal choice for me. I'm guessing if he worked at Tim Hortons, I would be seen as “looking for work” rather than a “housewife”.

Maybe I am hung up on semantics, but the term “housewife” is a bit difficult for me. I am very supportive of women (and men as well) who stay at home to serve their families. I admire Stay at Home Moms and Work at Home Moms. I just have trouble reconciling myself, as a non-mom, with not working.* After so many years of needing to work to pay the rent and buy groceries, it feels almost wrong to be buying things without my own income, despite the fact that though my husband is fine with supporting us. Even though there are benefits to being home, I just feel a bit lazy, no matter how hard I try to use the time wisely.

One of my issues is that I feel so unprepared to be a housewife. I have this image of a housewife/SAHM, some sort of a June Cleaver type, and it's not me. I don't enjoy cleaning (though I do it anyway, don't worry). I don't particularly like cooking unless I'm doing it with Gil or with a friend. I'm fairly certain the supposed female trait of wanting to decorate has evaded me all these years, as I have zero desire to flip through a magazine like House and Home, and still don't understand what Pinterest is. I would rather study Chinese than think about home design.

In my most honest and vulnerable moments, I'll admit that this makes me feel like a defective woman, and a bad wife. What happened to my x-chromosomes? Did they get bent or something? There are moments when I feel like a double-disappointment: I've failed as a “girl power” independent women by being out of work for so long, but I'm lousy at being a conservative homemaker. I try to laugh about it, but it cuts right to the heart of who I am and what I was made for. I've mentioned before that I am in a desert place these days, trying to figure out which direction to go. I'm blessed to have a supportive husband, but some days it's hard. I didn't realize how much of my self-image was wrapped up in what I did: The woman who paid of her student loans in two years, who bought her own home at 27, who worked hard and yet was busy almost every night serving at church, attending Bible studies, and seeing friends. It's hard to find the me that's inside all that wrapping, and it's hard to redefine my own worthiness.

One thing I've learned though, is that things that are hard are worth doing, and that it's important to think and pray through these issues now, rather than finding another cloak to wrap myself in and having the same issues resurface in a few years. So please pray with me as I continue on this journey, and as always, I'd love to hear your thoughts. :-)

Addendum: I wrote part of this post a few weeks ago, and have been adding to it for the past couple of days. This morning's reading took me to Judges 4, the story of Deborah and Jael, which is one of my favourite chapters. I guess God thought I needed a reminder that women can be godly in non-traditional roles!

 *Just to specify:  I haven't for sure decided not to go back to work, but at present I need to face the reality that I'm not working and do not know when I will be.

The S-Word: Part II

(If you missed Part I of this series, please check it out first to get caught up.)

 

As a Christian woman, it's hard to escape the word submission in the Bible. It's there. It's in Ephesians 5, Colossians 3, and again in 1 Peter 4, and because I trust the Bible, I can't just ignore these passages and pretend they are not there. Here is what I've been learning and pondering on marital submission.

First of all, let me explain what I have been taught regarding this issue, so that we are on the same page. I know there are other strains of thought within different denominations, but this is what I've learned in my church. As I mentioned in Part I, when dealing with submission, we need to be cognizant that there are various areas of our lives in which we submit (e.g., to authorities, to employers, to parents, to each other as Christians, and ultimately to God). As well, submission of the wife to the husband is a part of the larger context of their interaction with each other and with God.

It is also important to note that while women are called to submit, men are instructed to love and protect their wives (also Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 4). Submission should also be offered willingly: The Bible tells men to love their wives as Christ loved the church, and Christ does not force the church into submission. If this relationship works as it should, submission should be joyful, as our husbands are acting out of love. Of course, this does not always go smoothly, because we are all sinful. Most of the time, if I have a non-submissive heart (to God, others, or my husband), it is not because I am being asked to do something wrong or unpleasant, but because I want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. There are cases where abuse is involved and makes submission difficult and even dangerous; if that is your situation, I would encourage you to get help. For me, however, as for (I hope!) the majority of people I know, that is not the case and bringing up abusive submission is more of an excuse to avoid submitting than a legitimate reason to question these passages.

What submission means to me, is that my husband gets to be the “tie breaker” when we are at loggerheads. It means respecting his decisions as the head of a godly household. Now, my husband is a loving and intelligent man. He respects my opinion, and usually asks for it. We are normally able to talk through areas where we see things differently, and to come up with a compromise. Because Gil values what I think, I feel comfortable bringing up issues even when he has not asked for my opinion, but I try to do this with love and not to force anything on him. As in the case of submitting to the authorities, although I may seem to “lose” by submitting on a single issue, I also gain in the long run, because our marriage will be built on biblical principles and should also have less of the conflict and resentment that result from power struggles and un-winnable arguments. Gil and I will also gain because our relationship with Christ will be deeper as we obey Him.

As you can see from the above, what submission does NOT mean to me, is that I have no opinion or that I cannot raise opposition to something my husband has said, suggested or even tentatively decided. I do feel, however, that I should raise my issues in a way that shows respect for him as my husband, rather than being rude or acting superior. What submission also doesn't mean is that I get to criticize, say “I told you so”, or avoid responsibility. It's true that if my husband makes a decision against my advice, the outcome is not my fault, but that is not an opportunity to gloat or make him take care of the consequences on his own. The reality is, if I make a stupid decision, I am likely the first one to realize how wrong I was and to feel badly about it. If it is a sinful decision, the Holy Spirit is sure to convict me about it. I should be able to let the Spirit work in Gil's life if he makes a bad decision, rather than trying to take God's job from Him!

I promised to share a story with you, so here goes: As you may recall, a few weeks ago we had to postpone our move. Well, two days prior to the planned moving day, we discussed 1 Peter 4 in my Bible study. Like many a young wife who has recently gone through premarital counselling, I felt pretty secure in my understanding of submission... theoretically at least. Of course, God decided to test me on this! The following day, Gil told me that he did not think we could move on Saturday due to some joint pains. I was pretty upset, and presented what I thought were a few options we could look into rather than postponing. After he left for work, I realized that instead of fretting and mentally complaining, I should probably turn to prayer first. I also read my Bible study notes on submission. As this was going on, I started to see this as an opportunity to gracefully submit to my husband's decision. I was moved by these verses from 1 Peter 3: “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behaviour of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.” My husband is a believer, but what if the best way I could help him grow in faith was to living out godly submission? Am I prepared to do that? What if God was trying to teach him through this experience, and my selfish attempt to grab the reins was going to keep Gil from learning and growing? I started to think about a couple of areas where I think he needs to grow (and trust me, I could write a mile-long list of growth areas in my own life so this was not a pick-on-Gil session). Tears came to my eyes as I thought about how much more important it is that he has the chance to seek God in those areas, and the fact that I had been more focused on temporary comfort than in my husband's spiritual life. In the end, as you know, we were forced to postpone the move due to circumstances out of both of our control, but that whole day I felt at peace, and was so glad to be able to greet the moving news with acceptance rather than complaining.

I'd love to hear your questions or comments on this issue? As a new wife, I am still learning about this, and trust that God will show me lots more in the future! What have you learned about submission over the years?

Expectations and Doing Hard Things

A couple of weeks ago, I took the opportunity of my husband being out of town to go to Ottawa and visit with some friends. I was also looking forward to attending my (beloved) former church... and I was not disappointed. The teaching that weekend was really challenging and relevant to where I have been at recently. The sermon talked about finding lasting satisfaction in God. Our pastor mentioned some surprising statistics, noting that in surveys on happiness, Canadians and Americans rated fairly low levels of happiness and satisfaction. In fact, Americans were even surpassed by countries with much lower standards of living, such as Nigeria and Afghanistan! With everything that we have in this society, we are not happy, and I wonder how much this is related to our expectations about life. We expect a life of comfort, one in which our work and home lives are meaningful, and we obsess over the many options and choices we have. Instead of making us happy, we are miserable because we feel like things could be better than they are. The pastor also noted that Christians who look for happiness in external things, even good ones like work and family, will be especially miserable. Our spirits know that we could be experiencing deep satisfaction in God, yet we are disappointed because our spouses, our families, our jobs, etc., cannot provide as deep a satisfaction.

This gave me some food for thought, and while I was pondering it, I decided to attend the Sunday school class with the youth group that I used to serve with. The awesome youth pastor PJ was in the middle of a series of Sundays on Alex and Brett Harris's book Do Hard Things. I don't know if I expected to be impacted much by the talk, because the book is written for teenagers, but PJ gave me a lot to think about.

I haven't actually read Do Hard Things, but the basic premise of the book is that our society has really low expectations of teenagers, basically assuming they will spend 10+ years being lazy and irresponsible before settling into adulthood. (Obviously, there are families in which this is not the case, but this is the general view presented in the media for sure.) Alex and Brett Harris argue that teenagers need something to strive for, and that they are at a place in their lives where they are able to take chances, to throw themselves into causes, and to do hard things. It's not about doing things just because they are hard, but to seek the tasks God would have for them and then do them; to make a difference. In so doing, they will have to fight against the expectations of their elders, their peers, and even themselves that they should be focusing on their own enjoyment for this period in their lives.*

I'm (obviously) not a teenager any more, but this talk really impacted me. I started thinking about the expectations society has for me at this point in my life. It didn't seem like they were particularly high either: get a decent job, focus on my new home, take some vacations, have kids in a couple of years. These are good things, but it seems like the expectation is to be always wanting more. People expect us to upgrade our home every so often, to get new cars every few years, to focus on comfort and on materialism. Not only that, but it seems that no matter what we have, it is totally normal to whine about it: Complain about how kids don't obey and their extra-curriculars are expensive, about things our spouses say or do, about the costs of living and the upkeep of a house, about how tired we are from working/raising kids/taking vacations. We live in a culture where the overall expectation is to be unsatisfied and self-centred! I don't think very many people outside the church would expect me to throw myself into meaningful service, or to continue to practice a frugal lifestyle, or to try to find real satisfaction in God and in extending grace rather than complaining. Thinking this through really encouraged me to keep asking myself, “What does God expect of me? Am I more concerned about God's expectations for my life, or society's? What expectations have I internalized rather than taking a good look about whether they are in fact distractions?”

PJ also stressed that if we are not spending time with God and trying to live out His commands, we should not expect to know what hard things He has for us. That really hit me hard. As I mentioned in a previous post, I feel a bit like I'm in the desert lately, knowing that there is something ahead for me, but unsure what that is. In truth, I have not been spending nearly enough time in prayer and reflection. How can I expect God to reveal open doors if I don't even have my eyes open?

As a reaction to this, I decided to do a (not so) Hard Thing. I took a good look at how much time I spend online. I'll often start reading sites, blogs, etc., in the morning, and end up spending ages online. Then I'll do it again in the afternoon. Since I'm at home a lot, the internet can eat up so much of my time, and honestly my time with God gets postponed. Sooooo, I'm not ready to quit the internet altogether, but I've started a new rule: I have to do my Bible reading and prayer time first, and for the month of May, I will limit myself to half an hour in the morning, and another 15 minutes in the evening. (This will not include checking my email as I get it on my smart phone, or any things that arise out of necessity, such as checking my bank balance or finding an address on a map.) I'm really hoping this will cause me to focus my time on God, as well as on other tasks that are getting pushed aside. I want to be accountable in this task, so if you do see me or talk to me, please feel free to ask how it's going. I'll try to post a few updates on this blog as the month goes on.

What about you? What expectations do you feel society has for you? Are you challenging them?

*As I noted, I have not actually read the book, so if you have, please let me know if there are some inaccuracies in this description.

Getting "Hymned"

Recently I realized with a start that I've nearly stopped listening to Christian music.  I don't know when that happened, but I am guessing it has to do with moving to Toronto and never figuring out where the Christian stations are.  (Yeah, I should probably Google that...)  I don't drive as often now, so I normally only have music on when I'm exercising, which means that I'm overwhelmingly listening to cheesy dance music, with the odd Newsboys song thrown in for good measure.   Anyway, I've been trying to be intentional especially with the radio in my car, so that I am not filling my head with musical "candy" and have something meaty as well.

This past week, after making the switch, I've been moved several times when listening to hymns.   Today at prayer group, we sang "Guide Me Thou O Great Jehovah" and "And Can It Be".  Man, those songs are beautiful and meaningful!  I almost started crying at the beauty.  (And how I love singing from a hymnbook with an alto line, and not having to choose between screeching my way through or sounding like a man, but I digress...)

I also threw on some Bart Millard while driving, and developed a newfound appreciation for the hymn "Brethren We Have Met to Worship".  I'd never heard it before purchasing the "Hymned Again" album, and had never listening that closely, but this time, wow, the lyrics really stood out to me.  I especially like the third verse:

Sisters, will you join and help us? Moses' sister aided him;
Will you help the trembling mourners who are struggling hard with sin?
Tell them all about the Savior, tell them that He will be found;
Sisters, pray, and holy manna will be showered all around.

Isn't that a beautiful picture of how we ought to support one another?  How often to I fail to look out for others who are struggling with sin?  There is such richness in Christian hymns, and it's sad how seldom I actually take time to listen and think them through.

What are your favourite hymns??

Oh, and you can check out Bart Millard's rendition here.