Do I Trust God?

2014 been a difficult year so far.  It's been good in some ways, but also difficult.  I feel like I've been in a holding pattern for a while now, wanting to move on to something new, but held back by a myriad of different factors.  If I'm honest, it has been a year in which my trust in God has been challenged and, I hope that when we come out of this phase, I will find it has been strengthened.  I have been asking myself recently if I really trust God.  I'm a Christian; I work in a church and lead at a Bible study, so it's really easy to say that I do, right?  When the going gets tough, however, so often I find myself wondering why it's so hard, and whether God is really working in this situation at all.

The big question is:  How do I know that I trust God?  Is it a gut feeling?  That doesn't seem right, because trust isn't all about feelings.  I don't get into an airplane with an overwhelming "feeling" of trusting the laws of aerodynamic.  The fact that I got into the airplane at all is evidence that I trust the plane will take off, travel, and land without risk to my life.  I don't have a gut feeling that I trust my husband, but show that I trust him by sharing my life with him without fearing that he will take advantage of me or abuse me or be unfaithful.

So how do I know that I trust God?  It's not about putting myself into dangerous situations and knowing He will protect me (although it's possible that He will require me to go into dangerous situations).  He's not the Edward Cullen to my Bella Swan, after all. ;)  Part of it is obviously obedience:  I trust God by obeying His commands, without worrying that I'm being deprived in some way.  Maybe in part, it's also a bit like trusting Gil.  I share my life with God, through prayer and Bible reading (slacking a bit on that lately...) and being mindful of Him at all times, and trusting that He will use that for my good. 

Today I planted our vegetable garden.  After our my attempts last year did not yield much, I decided to skip seeds and plant seedlings this year, seeing as our growing season is so short.  I guess that planting seed(lings) is a bit like trusting God.  You do what you can, knowing that the real "work" of growing is out of your hands, dependent on weather and sunshine and the neighbour's dog not getting into our yard.  Will I trust that God is working under the surface of my life, even if I don't know whether I will get a handful of cherry tomatoes or a bountiful harvest, but that I can trust that the growth is good?

I've been reading the book of Ruth over the past few days, and am reminded once again how the most difficult ordeals can ultimately end well.  It doesn't negate the difficult part or mean we have to pretend it was all easy, but it does mean that I can be confident that God is doing *something* through this lean year, even if that something leads to a path I hadn't anticipated.

But Why?

My husband (somewhat) jokingly tells me that I ask too many questions. I'm always wondering, why he does think that, how does this work, etc. I say I'm just curious, but he thinks its hilarious (and occasionally annoying). This past week, however, was one of deeper questioning. I had applied to a full-time position where I work, and found out that I didn't get the job. I had not been seeking to work full-time until this opportunity arose, and even though it looked interesting, I didn't think my heart was set on it. Being turned down, however, threw me into a day or two of deep and anguished questioning what I am doing and why.

I was always “the smart one” in school, the one expected to go far. One of my high school teachers even insisted I was a future Rhodes scholar. Although I didn't fulfill her dream and go to Oxford, I did complete six years of higher education, and then worked for several years in an intellectually stimulating environment. And now.... I answer the phones. Even though most days I like my job, there are times when I wonder what I'm doing. This week I found myself crying to God, asking why He gave me this mind and educational opportunities only to end up answering phones. Why does it feel like I am squandering my potential? Will I ever have another job that's intellectually fulfilling? What if it takes us longer than we assume to have children, and I end up spending years and years doing routine admin work? Why don't things work out the way I plan them?

Fear is really at the heart of all these questions, and some of those fears are pretty shameful. I'm afraid of being dependent on another person. I'm afraid that people will look down on me because of my job. I'm afraid I'll lose my sharp wits and become dull, or that I'll never cut it in a domestic role. Most of all, I'm afraid because I don't understand God's plan for me.

What I'm realizing in my Bible reading this week, is that Christmas, far from being a feel-good jolly time, is actually full of these kind of fears and questions. There are so many questions in the Christmas story. Zechariah and Elizabeth wonder why the Lord has not blessed them with a child. Mary asks “But why me?” and “But how can this happen when I am a virgin?” Joseph asks what he should do about Mary's situation, and how they will manage the probable scandal of the pregnancy. They both wonder how come they have to go to Bethlehem at this inopportune time, and when the Jesus finally comes, they must have wondered how in the world they were going to raise the Messiah. The shepherds in turn wonder what is going on and why they are the ones blessed to be able to see the Messiah. And in the background, the whole nation of Israel is asking, “But when, Lord, when will the Messiah come?”

Our fears and questioning, far from taking us away from God, actually lead us towards Him as we seek answers and comfort from Him. We can know that we are not alone in not knowing the game plan or being confused; in fact, we're probably in good company with most of the people in Bible. We can marvel at the lowly carpenter and his wife who chose, in the midst of their fears, to obey God and find joy in His plan. And we can enjoy the presence of the One who knows all the answers (even if we don't understand them all).

For to us a child is born,

to us a son is given,

and the government will be on his shoulders. 

And he will be called

Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,

Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace

 

Merry Christmas, from our little family to yours!!

On Reading: Christian Literature

You could possibly re-title this post “Christian books: a plea for help”. While the first few entries in this series involved me saying a lot, here I would love to listen to you, because, friends, I stink at reading Christian books. I'm talking books about theology, about living the Christian life, books that encourage you to grow in your faith. Yes, I stink at reading these books.

Firstly, though, let's get clear that the most important Christian book to be read is the Bible. Christians ought not to read a lot of John Piper or Tim Keller or Max Lucado, but neglect the Bible. Knowing the Bible is what helps us know God, and also to discern whether a Christian writer is worth reading in the first place. Personally, I'm not big on reading daily devotionals or going through study books; instead, I try to read the Bible every day, and I know that's more important than reading classics of Christian theology.

If one is reading the Bible, however, there is real merit in also reading across the broad spectrum of Christian literature. My problem is that I am great at starting these kinds of books, and lousy at finishing them. I've got C.S. Lewis, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, and Randy Alcorn sitting in my to-read pile, and while I've opened all of these works, I have yet to get through any. Sometimes I think it will help to read a one or two of chaptersof such works a week, while keeping another book on the go for when I want to read to relax, but it still doesn't happen.

So readers, help me to read better! What Christian books do you recommend? What has changed your life? How do you get through heavy books and balance the need for something with more of a story? Are you judging me right now? :-)

...But God

I recently attended a fellowship lunch with my Bible study group. Our study time is fairly rushed, so we focus on the Word rather than spending much time getting to know one another. The lunch was a wonderful chance to hear peoples' stories, and what fascinating stories they were!

As I listened, there was one common theme that stood out. I kept hearing statements like, “I was so unhappy when I moved, but...” or “I didn't understand why this would happen, but...” We had all had experiences of coming to a place or situation that we just did not like or understand, but God met us there.

It was a great reminder of my own short-sightedness. So often, if I do not see the immediate results or if I feel pressed at this moment, I do not understand why things have to be a certain way. Yet, I have been through so many difficulties that God ultimately used to produce more lasting effects that I ever would have imagined. I must remember to live day by day in anticipation of the “but God” to come.

Ephesians 2:1-5 And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience—among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ. . .

Romans 5:6-8 For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Genesis 50:20 As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.

1 Corinthians 1:26-27 For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong.

Oh, That Adam and Eve...

Wrecked. Alone. Ashamed. Foolish. This is how I was feeling the other night. I try not to blog much about within my marriage, because those are, well, personal. We do have conflict and strife at times (like everyone does), and this past week was fairly eye-opening to me.

One evening last week, I sat down with Gil to talk about an issue that had been bothering me. It was something we had discussed previously, but I did not feel like he had been working towards making things better, and as time went on, I found myself growing bitter about it. Didn't he care? Didn't he see this was hurting me? I sat down with Gil to have a heart-to-heart talk, and he promised to work on the issue, although he still thought I was over-thinking things. It seems like a typical, boring, married-people discussion, right?

After we went to bed, everything changed. I couldn't sleep, and my mind was filled with doubts and anxieties. Did Gil really care? Had I screwed up our relationship? What if this issue was never resolved and we had to live with it for the next few decades? I oscillated between anger that Gil didn't seem to care about my feelings, and regret that I had brought this up in the first place. I felt like a terrible, unloving wife. Despite the anger and regret, though, my overwhelming feeling was shame. I was embarrased that I been so vulnerable in the first place. I was ashamed that I could not overcome my emotions. To top it off, I was ashamed of my shame, because I should have felt free to be vulnerable with my husband. The words that kept flashing through my mind were, “I feel naked and ashamed.”

You see, that morning I had attended a Bible study where we discussed Genesis 3. Although I've probably read that chapter a thousand times, being married brings it to life in a different way. When I woke up after that awful night of second-guessing my actions, I realized that Genesis 3 holds some answers for me right now. Firstly, that this struggle is normal. Shame is was one of the first consequences of sin: Adam and Eve were suddenly embarassed of being naked, even though they were married and one flesh (not to mention they were the only people around). To me, this means that my feelings of discomfort with being (emotionally) exposed to my husband are deeply rooted, and will take time and prayer to get over. Moreover, verse 16 pretty much guarantees that conflict will happen in a marriage, so if Gil and I have trouble resolving an issue, it's not because there is something wrong with us personally. It seems strange, but the idea that marital conflict is a guarantee actually gave me a lot of comfort, if only because it reminded me that we are normal and not failures at marriage this early in the game. On the other hand, Genesis 3 also holds the promise of redemption. Jesus came and He allows us to break free of the patterns of sin, so that even though I can be sure we will always have conflict, I can also trust that as we grow our characters in faith, we will be growing in our abilities to respond to each other with love and grace.

And our issue? We're still working at it. We spoke again over the weekend, and I apologized for coming on a bit too strong. Gil has also been doing his part to make things better. And I am reminded that there is always hope in Christ, for our marriage and for all other things too!

The S-Word

Wait, no not THAT s-word! I'm talking about Submission. You probably like that word even less. :-)

I've been thinking about submission lately. In part, that's because we've been looking at various epistles during Bible study, and the topic came up at least twice. God really taught me a lesson on submission through one week's study, but you'll have to wait for my next instalment for that story. :-)

I am in no way trying to write a treatise on submission. There are far better articles and books on that for you to read if you are interested. I would, however, like to touch on some ways that God has called me to submission lately, and helped me understand it better.

When this subject comes up, we tend to camp out on marital submission. In some sense, that is understandable, firstly because personal relationships tend to be closest to our hearts and take up a lot of our attention, and secondly because the issue tends to grate on us (see Genesis 3!) so we like to discuss it just as we like to discuss other topics that get us engaged. However, marital submission is only part of the Bible's overall teaching on submission. We are all called to submit to God, to our church leaders, to our employers (or masters if we are slaves), to our governments, and to each other.

What I find interesting, is that while I and other women can get quite offended about having to submit to a husband, I am – cheerfully or not – living out submission all the time in my daily life. Practically every time I go out of my house, I am subject to the authorities of my city, province, and country. When I drive on the road, I submit by obeying the laws (er, most of the time...) and when I buy something in a store, I submit by using legal tender and by paying tax. I may grumble at times, but I do accept these things as a given. Of course, you could argue that I submit because of possible punishment (see Romans 13); however, not to go into too much John Locke, most of the time we submit as part of a mutually beneficial relationship. I obey traffic laws because if everyone does, it keeps us all safer on the roads. I pay taxes, but I am okay with that because sometimes I profit from them personally (like getting tax returns), while other times I reap the benefit of living in a stable country with modern infrastructure.

I could go on and on about how we also submit to church authorities, our parents, our employers, etc., but I won't, because the main thing to remember is that all of this submission is part of our overall submission to God. God is our authority, so we submit to the authorities He has set up (Romans 13:1). Every day, even people who do not believe in God live somewhat in submission to Him, because He created the world and the conditions in which we live. He created time and the laws of physics, so really even my existence at this moment is in submission to His will. He decided when and where we should be born, which determines a lot of the factors of our lives, and He sets up government authorities.

As a Christian, of course, I am called to live a life of deeper submission. I am called to show my love for God through my obedience to His Word (e.g., John 14:23). I also show this submission by talking to Him in prayer and asking guidance. While God does not have to reward me for doing this (because it's what I should be doing regardless), He does so in the ever-increasing blessing of knowing Him better. Of course, one of the areas He asks me to obey is in the area of marital submission, which I will cover in my next post.

Resolutions, or a lack thereof

I'm not big on making new year's resolutions, mostly because I think that if you want to change something, you ought to do it now rather than waiting for a special day to do so. 

A long time ago, though, I did make resolution to start reading the Bible regularly, and that led to a life's resolution to read the Bible every day; however, the way that I do so keeps changing.  As a new Christian, I did a three-year reading plan that involved reading through the whole Bible.  Since then, I have generally read through one book at a time, but to jump around between the Old and New Testaments, trying to make sure that I get a good mix.  This past year, I tried a Bible-in-one-year plan, and although I have mostly stayed on schedule (I'm about a week off), I have found that this isn't the plan for me, as I tend to skim through the Old Testament passages and find it difficult to be following several books of the Bible at once.

This year, I decided to start something new.  I found a plan online that covers the STORY of the Bible in one year.  You read about a chapter a day, and get a good overview of the Bible without reading the whole thing.  From glancing over the first few months, it seems like it will involve pretty much all of Genesis and Exodus, but (thankfully) only selected parts of Leviticus.  I was thinking today that I may actually do this in The Message Bible as a change, to really try to read the Bible with "new eyes", and ideally I will journal along as I go. 

Anyway, I'm posting this on the blog to give me a bit of accountability, and also to say that if anyone is interested in more information on the plan, let me know and we could even read through it together!

Lastly, let me wish you, as the Germans say, a "guten Rutsch" into the new year and a fantastic 2012!