Wrecked. Alone. Ashamed. Foolish.
This is how I was feeling the other night. I try not to blog much
about within my marriage, because those are, well, personal. We do
have conflict and strife at times (like everyone does), and this past
week was fairly eye-opening to me.
One evening last week, I sat down with
Gil to talk about an issue that had been bothering me. It was
something we had discussed previously, but I did not feel like he had
been working towards making things better, and as time went on, I
found myself growing bitter about it. Didn't he care? Didn't he see
this was hurting me? I sat down with Gil to have a heart-to-heart
talk, and he promised to work on the issue, although he still thought
I was over-thinking things. It seems like a typical, boring,
married-people discussion, right?
After we went to bed, everything
changed. I couldn't sleep, and my mind was filled with doubts and
anxieties. Did Gil really care? Had I screwed up our relationship?
What if this issue was never resolved and we had to live with it for
the next few decades? I oscillated between anger that Gil didn't
seem to care about my feelings, and regret that I had brought this up
in the first place. I felt like a terrible, unloving wife. Despite
the anger and regret, though, my overwhelming feeling was shame. I
was embarrased that I been so vulnerable in the first place. I was
ashamed that I could not overcome my emotions. To top it off, I was
ashamed of my shame, because I should have felt free to be
vulnerable with my husband. The words that kept flashing through my
mind were, “I feel naked and ashamed.”
You see, that morning I had attended a
Bible study where we discussed Genesis 3. Although I've probably
read that chapter a thousand times, being married brings it to life
in a different way. When I woke up after that awful night of
second-guessing my actions, I realized that Genesis 3 holds some
answers for me right now. Firstly, that this struggle is normal.
Shame is was one of the first consequences of sin: Adam and Eve were
suddenly embarassed of being naked, even though they were married and
one flesh (not to mention they were the only people around). To me,
this means that my feelings of discomfort with being (emotionally)
exposed to my husband are deeply rooted, and will take time and
prayer to get over. Moreover, verse 16 pretty much guarantees that
conflict will happen in a marriage, so if Gil and I have trouble
resolving an issue, it's not because there is something wrong with us
personally. It seems strange, but the idea that marital conflict is
a guarantee actually gave me a lot of comfort, if only because it
reminded me that we are normal and not failures at marriage
this early in the game. On the other hand, Genesis 3 also holds the
promise of redemption. Jesus came and He allows us to break free of
the patterns of sin, so that even though I can be sure we will always
have conflict, I can also trust that as we grow our characters in
faith, we will be growing in our abilities to respond to each other
with love and grace.
And our issue? We're still working at
it. We spoke again over the weekend, and I apologized for coming on
a bit too strong. Gil has also been doing his part to make things
better. And I am reminded that there is always hope in Christ, for
our marriage and for all other things too!
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