On How Fertility Issues Feel Like A Trip Back to Middle School

When I was in Grade 8, it seemed like all the “cool” girls were good at basketball. Maybe they had other things in common, like crimped hair (this was 1993 after all), names that started with K, and houses on the same street. Whatever it was that united the cool girls, I didn't have it and I probably never would.

I've always been a pretty determined person. When I wanted to do something or learn a new skill, I pushed myself until I accomplished it. When I felt shyness was holding me back socially, I practiced social skills. I lived in Germany when I was 21, where I chose to attend a class called “Russian for Historians”, which involved translating sentences from Russian (my fourth language) into German (my third). The first class was so difficult for me that afterwards I went into the ladies room and cried... but I didn't drop the class. I'm not trying to brag, just to explain my personality. Sometimes this intensity has been off-putting to others, but it's gotten me where I am.

None of this determination could help when I was 13 years old, an age when popularity seemed almost randomly distributed, and trying too hard was social suicide. I could watch Beverly Hills, 90210 (duh, why wouldn't you? Luke Perry was so dreamy) or beg for new clothes, but that didn't keep me from not being invited from the end of year graduation party. (True story.)

My life has been pretty good since Grade 8, so why rehash these bad memories? In some ways, the journey of trying to conceive has made me think of the Middle School popularity scene. You can try so hard, and get nothing out of it, or you can get lucky on your first month. Sure, there are ways to better your chances, such as eating well, exercising, temperature taking, and using ovulation kits, but the truth is that infertility is kind of a crap shoot. You can do everything right and never get pregnant, while some other woman smokes, drinks heavily, has no idea about her cycle, and has six kids. There's an unfairness to it all, that makes as much sense as me spending years hiding in the bathrooms during recess because my name starts with M and I lack the hand-eye coordination to do a lay-up.

I've also discovered that having no children makes me more and more of an anomaly the further I get into my 30s. This has increased the sense of being left out. I can't hang out at playgrounds to make new friends (at least not without looking like a creep). I can't commiserate on the stresses of finding a daycare or potty training. I see so many blog posts and articles shared online with tag lines like “Parents of kids will get this”. Sometimes reading my Facebook feed feels a bit like when kids in school would tell inside jokes, then say things like, “Oh, you wouldn't get it if you weren't at Kristi's house that time.” I knew a guy all through school who became a night club promoter and posts daily about his obsession with Beyonce Knowles. I read his FB feed when I need to feel like I'm not the only irresponsible non-parent in my age group. That's not to knock my friends who share these things; it's just that being 33 and childless makes me feel more and more like I'm among the stragglers waiting to be picked in gym class, hoping and praying that I won't be chosen last.

The worst part of the equation is the sense of being alone. You know know instinctively when you're being bullied at school that the worst thing you can do is cry. You have to pretend to be strong and not care. Struggling with infertility is a constant walk of pretending to have it together. No one wants to hear about your menstrual cycles and timing issues. You're afraid to share because of the dreaded “advice” that well-meaning people dole out,* and the knowledge that after you've opened your mouth, this person will watch you for signs of pregnancy and you might spend the next months, or possibly years, having to say, “Not yet” again and again.

This is a walk in which it can get hard to see if anyone listens or cares, and even of God is there for you. I'm not saying He's not. I am a Christian and I hold tight to that faith, but there are days when I feel more alone than I've ever felt before. If this is you, please don't suffer alone. You don't have to eat lunch in the girls' room. You don't have to cry alone at night and think no one can hear. If this is you, please email me at mrsdoctordear2 AT gmail.com.  The truth is, I'm not alone either.  I have some fantastic online friends that I've bonded with throughout this process, and who keep me sane on days when I am on the precipice of losing it altogether.

And if you are a parent who has never struggled with this issue, remember your a childless friends and be mindful of this divide. You may not know they are struggling. Post some cat videos online one in a while to give a respite from the baby talk. Let them in on your pregnancy and parenting struggles, but listen to their concerns too. Be there for them. It's a long and lonely road sometimes.

*I have found this article extremely helpful in covering the etiquette around infertility.

An Embarrassment of Riches

It's spring again, although you wouldn't know it to look outside, and I'm looking ahead to the new life that this season represents, as well as behind to whence I've come.  About a year ago, I wrote this post.  I was feeling frustrated as I waited for God to move in my life, to open a door or even a window so that I could feel at home.  I can't help but feel blessed as I look around me now. 

I used to be so frustrated about having nowhere to serve.  I was so involved in my old church, but in the new one it seemed like I had no idea where to look for opportunities.  Now, I find myself having to decide where to step back.  I've been involved with youth and a couple of other areas, and have recently been asked to serve in a para-church Bible study group that I attend.  It truly is an embarrassment of riches.

When I was offered my current job, I was worried that being "just" a receptionist would be so frustrating.  What would people think of me?  Today, I can say that I am very happy working part-time and having the rest of my days to focus on home, my Mandarin studies, etc.  Other opportunities may arise, and I'll consider them prayerfully, but God has been teaching me to stop seeing myself through the lens of being a career woman.

Even a few months ago, I was still feeling sad about not having many real Christian friends here.  I tried and tried to remind myself that it takes time, but that doesn't keep the loneliness at bay.  Recently, I've been meeting new friends in and out of the church.  I had an awesome time with a new friend this week, and the yesterday when I saw her at church, she turned to another woman that I think is wonderful, and said, "How about the three of us get together some time?"  I swear, the heavens opened up and I heard a big Hallelujah.  (Well, okay, not really).  This is what I've been craving:  Not just individual friendships but a group of ladies that I can have fun with and discuss life, faith, and everything else.  As an added bonus, two friends from Ottawa were here last weekend and I had a great time just enjoying the company of close girlfriends.

I'm not saying any of this to boast about how my life is so amazing.  I mean, I'm really blessed, but I still have those moments when I get locked out or spend half the day on the phone trying to figure out our health insurance benefits.  But when I look back at where I was last March, I see how much God has blessed me in the past 12 months and I am awed at His goodness.

On Anticipation

I've been feeling the February blahs lately.  It just seems like life is bland lately.  Am I the only one?  Maybe it's the long wait until spring, or the weird weather we've been having...

I realized something strange the other day.  When I worked in an office, my life was often hectic and stressful, but I always had something to look forward to.  I worked 8 hours a day and looked forward to the weekends.  Additionally, there was always a long weekend some time off, or a vacation in the works, or Gil's next visit, and I would set my eye on that.  "Just two weeks until Victoria Day."  "Only a month until I go to Florida."  It wasn't just me; everyone did it.  I wondered sometimes whether it wasn't somewhat unhealthy, to spend a lot of your time waiting for the future.  Now that I have a less stressful lifestyle, however, I actually *miss* having those dates in the future to anticipate.  I don't normally work Mondays, so most long weekends are not a big deal, and since Gil works so many weekends, I often find them boring.  It's so hard to get my husband into the mode of vacation planning, so we don't have anything like that upcoming either. 

Is it weird that I feel this way, like a more stressful life with anticipation may be preferable to a calmer life with less anticipation?  Is it Biblical?  The Bible does tell us not to worry about tomorrow, but it also says to look forward to our life in Heaven.  Hmmm...  What do you think?  And what are you looking forward to, these days?

On How Making Friends Is Kind Of Like Dating

"So, there's this woman around my age that I see around church.  She's always friendly and in our brief conversations, it seems like we have some things in common.  Can I ask her to go for coffee with me, or I seem creepy?"

If you read the above sentence with no context, you'd think it was a guy hoping to go out on a date with this lady, right?  Except it's not.  It's about me.  And no, I'm not trying to get myself a girlfriend!  The hard truth is that after a year living here, I'm still finding it hard to make friends. Now that I work at our church, there are a lot more people that I'm friendly with, and colleagues that I like talking to, but no one who I could call out of the blue or with whom I hang out outside of the church.  I didn't even realize this until a friend of mine was in town last weekend and said she wished she could attend our church with us to meet my friends.  My first reaction was, "Oh, I don't have friends."  And then I realized that was true.

In my "old life" in Ottawa, it seemed like I didn't have to put in a lot of effort to make friends.  I was involved with several ministries and served on missions trips, so I just naturally met people and got close to them.  Here in Toronto, however, I try to stay home in the evening to have time with my husband, and that's meant that my main interaction is with the retired crowd at prayer meeting.  They are lovely and inspiring ladies, but I crave friendships with people closer to my age too.

I'm coming to realize that it's time for me to be a little more active in forming friendships.  Those "let's all go for wings after fellowship" nights are probably less likely to happen now that people my age have spouses and kids (and, speaking for myself, lower energy levels), but that just means I may have to go a little out of my comfort zone to make friends.

So that brings me to my first question:  Is it creepy to ask this woman out to coffee??  Any suggestions or advice?

God Is Good

Sorry for the lack of updates lately, friends.  I don't even have a good excuse.  I've got a few post ideas rattling around my mind, but have not actually put pen to paper, or rather, fingers to keyboard.

God is good!  I say this on what should be a disappointing day.  We were supposed to move today.  I spent most of this week packing up, moving clothes, books, dishes, and subsequently unpacking them at the new house.  Gil was out of town until Thursday, so I took the opportunity to really make a huge mess dive into packing and get things done.  The hope was that today, we'd just have to move Gil's clothes and papers, as well as our couch, mattress and box spring, coffee table, and kitchen table.  Not so.  It turns out that UHaul completely messed up our order, and it being the last Saturday of the month, we were not able to find another cargo van.  Sigh...

BUT...  God is still good in this situation.  In fact, He is glorified in it.  Yesterday, instead of being in turmoil about the uncertainty (and I am a planner and very uncomfortable with uncertainty),  I spent a good time in prayer and asked for His hand in the situation.  Instead of being distressed about the delay, I was able to look at the blessings we have and remember that in a few years, this delay will be forgotten and it will seem like our time in this tiny condo was a small blip in our life together.  More than that, I was reminded of the bigger things to pray about:  character, submission, etc., rather than just focusing on, "God, this is what I want" kind of praying.  He is so good!

Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”

James 4:13-15

Desert

I've been wandering around the desert lately. I didn't realize it until I had a bit of a meltdown over the weekend, but here I am. I came from someplace where I was settled; it wasn't perfect, but it was what I knew. I am going somewhere, but I don't know in what direction. I feel like God is taking me on a journey, like there will be something bigger made out of this life, but I have no idea what. I have skills, I am educated, I had a career that I liked and a church I served in, and now it seems like I am just wandering around metaphorically, unsure where this will all end up. I do not regret the choice I made to come to Toronto because I love my husband, but he is gone for long hours and I have a lot of time alone to wonder what on earth I am doing here. I found myself crying out, “Why did you bring me here, Lord?”

This month I have been reading the book of Exodus. To be honest, after the Ten Commandments, I find the book pretty boring; I'm not very visual, so it is hard to get through the description of the breastplate of the High Priest, etc. This time around, however, I am really trying to take something out of each chapter. Today's reading was from Exodus 29, about the consecration of the High Priest. Lots of rams being slaughtered, and all that fun stuff. Suddenly, something hit me: These people are in the desert. They left their homes behind, and presumably their flocks too (since there isn't really any grass to feed them in the desert). They are eating manna every day, and heading towards an unknown and scary place. Now God is telling them: “So, you're going to have this high priest outfitted in this awesome outfit, and to consecrate him you are going to sacrifice a whole bunch of rams, lambs, and maybe some bulls as well.” They are probably thinking, “God, are you crazy? We don't have any rams! We left them behind. If we did, we wouldn't be eating all this manna. Hello?!” I don't they could even fathom the fact that they would one day have enough of everything to allow for the whole sacrificial system to be in place... but God had promised them the Land of Milk and Honey, and eventually He delivered.

So all that to say, please pray for me. I think I'm in the desert. I don't know whether my next steps will lead to a new career, to further education, to starting our family, or to some place even more unknown. I just don't want to get so caught up in the frustration that I build my own golden calf of expectations and start worshiping that instead.  And if you are in the desert, please let me know how I can pray for you too.  :-)

PS  The day after I wrote this, fully half of my pastor's sermon was on "waiting on the Spirit".  Wow, God, guess I needed that exhortation!

Waiting, part IV: Waiting for Community

I've posted a couple of times already about how I miss Ottawa. No, it's not those icy breezes or the commute on the 95 that holds my heart; mostly, I miss people and I miss my church. While this is the first time that I've switched churches in the years since I became a mature Christian, it is definitely not my first time moving to a new place and feeling like I have to start over.

I think the lack of community, people who know me, is the hardest part of these kind of transitions. The problem is, that takes time. Unless you're going to back to summer camp, it can take a long time to get close to others, and especially to develop a group of close friends. This seems to take even longer as we get older and have more stuff in our lives.

In a sense, it feels like I'm waiting on community. I'm waiting because I know that at some point, these relationships will come and I will feel at home, but I don't know when that will be. So what do we do when we're in this place? I'm not thinking of how to get to know others, but how to handle the waiting period in a way that honours God and strengthens our faith.

1) Have community with God

It's easy to pull away from God when there is (almost) no one around encouraging you to seek Him. In Ottawa, I never struggled with getting out of bed on a Sunday to attend church... well maybe just a little bit for the 9am service. ;-) Still, attending church was a highlight of my week because I felt loved and welcomed. I am just beginning to realize how much my previous desire to attend church was affected by this fact. I still go to church, even though I hardly know anyone, but it's harder. The problem is that when I don't prioritize church, everything else slips too: my devotions, my prayer time, my overall spiritual life. It's funny that when I am most in need of community, I forget that I always have community with God. If that relationship is not there, even regular church attendance is little more than going through the motions. Hebrews 10 calls us not to give up meeting together, and I take that pretty seriously.

2) Allow yourself to feel lonely

There is a tendency in Western Christianity to equate having “joy in the Lord” with being happy. I see that in the Bible there are calls to rejoice in our circumstances, but that does not mean that being sad was not an option. Jesus wept for Lazarus, even knowing that his death was temporary. David wept when his son was dying. Nehemiah wept over the state of Jerusalem. We are allowed to cry. In fact, if Nehemiah hadn't allowed himself to be sad, he may not have been moved to action. It's okay to mourn over the loss of community and to miss friends who are far away. My struggle is not to camp out in the mourning period until it looks suspiciously like feeling sorry for myself.

3) Give grace to others

Doing this is probably the hardest of the three. When I am feeling lonely, it is soooooo easy to get caught up on what other people should be doing to welcome me. I can start to badmouth a whole bunch of people (in my head, at least): The church welcome centre, that lady who didn't say hello, etc., etc. In truth, we do need to better welcome newcomers to large churches. On the other hand, love keeps no record of wrongs, and I am called to love the bride of Christ. I've heard people grumble before that “the church” was not there for them in a time of need. That's not okay... but it's not okay to hold a grudge either. There have probably been hundreds of times when I've been too caught up in my own concerns to notice someone who was new or in distress. I shouldn't be shocked when the same thing happens to me. Recently, I attended a function at another church which did a terrible job of welcoming visitors. I may write more on the subject, but basically the whole set-up was so bureaucratic that no one even asked my name except to write it on a name tag. That sucks, but my own response was even worse: I was so caught up by grumbling (in my head) about the structure that I missed parts of an edifying and insightful sermon. When we fail to extend grace to others, we wind up being bitter, and no one wins.

Grace and peace to you who are in this place. I'm trusting that God will bring me the community that I so long for... in His own time.

Waiting, part III: Waiting to Serve

Most of this post came from a couple of sermons by my excellent pastor Charles Price, so I take no credit for it. I thought it was pretty relevant to my waiting series, as it looks at another aspect of what waiting is and why it can be positive. Please note, there was a lot more to the sermons than this; I'm just blogging about what was relevant to the “waiting” theme.

Our church has been going through Nehemiah. First we looked at Nehemiah 1 and how Nehemiah wept and mourned over the brokenness of his people. The second sermon focused on Nehemiah's actions in the first part of chapter 2. Pastor P. noted that the actions of chapters 1 and 2 took place about four months apart. That means that Nehemiah was mourning and praying for his people for several months before he was able to speak to the King. It seems like a really long time to go on with this burden on your heart. The pastor pointed out that when we feel an emotional reaction to something, especially if we perceive it as a call to act, sometimes the appropriate response is to... wait.

What? Shouldn't we just GO? Not so fast, said our Pastor. We should take time to pray to God for the burden to be deepened, or lifted, according to His will. We need to discern whether this is an emotional response to a need, or a true call. The truth is, there are so many needs around us that we cannot respond to them all, so we ought to put careful thought and prayer into our calling. The Pastor mentioned that out of every 100 people that step forward at conferences or otherwise express interest to missions in becoming missionaries, only about one person actually ends up on the mission field.** That's pretty sobering. Perhaps some of that is due to other factors such as life changes, but much of it surely is due to people making emotionally charged decisions without thinking through or praying about the next steps.

Of course (and I'm adding my own comments here), we can prepare as we pray. While Nehemiah was fasting, mourning, and praying, he was likely also thinking about how he would go forward, what he would need for the journey, etc. We too can pray with our minds open to HOW God may use use us to serve. We also may require training before we can go. Perhaps we need to finish school or to study a new language. This prayer time is not meant to be an excuse NOT to serve, but rather a time in which our hearts are prepared for the service.

Pastor P. also mentioned in a later sermon that we are called to serve where we are. He said this in reference to the men and women who helped build the wall around Jerusalem; many of them built sections of the wall that were close to their homes. Of course, we also are called to be servants of God at all times, so just because we are waiting on a calling does not mean that we should give up serving in the meantime!

I hope this is helpful. I found the message both encouraging and convicting. There is the encouragement that if you've felt a call to something, but not had the chance to act, it may just not be the right time yet. I also felt convicted as there have been many times when I felt a burden, but rather than prayerfully consider it, I got discouraged when the opportunity to act didn't open up in the short term.

**I don't know the source for this information.

Waiting, part II: Suffering through the Wait

Greetings from snowy Toronto!  After a warm and foggy day earlier this week, it seems winter has come back with a vengeance.  I actually love winter, but am taking advantage of the colder weather to cozy up inside writing and drinking tea.  Stay tuned tomorrow for a BIG announcement... but first here is part II of my waiting series:

I've recently been reading a book by Randy Alcorn called If God Is Good. Faith in the Midst of Suffering and Evil. It is quite interesting reading and I may post more on it in the future. One of the things that came to mind as I began to read it was the connection between suffering and waiting, and how that fits into my particular life story.

Towards the start of the book, Alcorn makes the distinction between evil and suffering. I won't go into this in too much detail, but it's a critical distinction. He refers to suffering as a secondary evil, the result of sin. This means that while suffering occurs because there is evil in the world, suffering in any given case is not necessarily the direct result of a specific sin. An example would be in John 9, when Jesus's disciples asked whether a man's blindness was the result of his parents' sin or his own sin, but Jesus contracted them, saying “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.” (John 9:3)

Thinking about suffering as the result of sin and evil in our world makes one wonder what life would be like without the fall. Obviously, that's impossible to really conceptualize because our world has been built by generations upon generations of fallen people, but it's still an interesting thought. I started thinking more specifically about waiting and suffering. Now, as I mentioned in my last post, I'm a pretty impatient person sometimes, but I think that in this part of the world, it's common to consider waiting akin to suffering. We complain when the line is too long at Starbucks, or when our bus comes two minutes late, forgetting that the convenience of a fairly reliable transport system and a disposable income is something that many people in this world do not have. So it would seem that in some cases, when we perceive waiting as suffering, it is the result of our own sinful, self-centred attitudes. Alcorn touches on this when he says on page 60: “If we accept the argument that the highest value of the universe is short-term human happiness in the form of immediate fulfullment of desires, then we cannot defend the Christian worldview, because we ourselves have departed from it.” (Italics his.)

On the other hand, sometimes the wait can be agonizing. There are people who are waiting for organ transplants to become available, or for rain to come in a time of drought. That someone would suffer in these occasions, not knowing if or when a respite will come, is the result of evil in the world that causes our bodies and the earth itself to be under the curse.

This makes me wonder: In an perfect, sinless world, would we never have to wait for anything? To a North American mindset, that seems to make sense. To a biblical worldview, not so much. The Bible talks about waiting on God and about their being a time for everything. Even if I were sinless, I still would not be omniscient, so I could still desire something that is long in coming. This specifically plays into my story because – from my human point of view – I waited a long time for Gil. I was single for many loooooong years. I watched a lot of friends pair up, get married, and have babies, and there were times when I thought my own wedding day would never come. There were certainly times when my suffering was self-imposed and sinful, brought on by jealousy and feeling sorry for myself, but there were other times throughout this period when I genuinely suffered from loneliness and confusion about my own purpose and path. Nevertheless, I can't help but think that even in a perfect world, we still would not get everything at the exact moment we wanted it. After all, God is so much more than a wish-granting Genie. No, I believe that in that perfect world, I would trust God enough to know that when things didn't go according to what I anticipated, He was going to do something better.

In the end, that is where the “rubber hits the road”, so to speak. If I have to live in this world, how can I do my best not to sin when I am in the waiting period? While I did meet my husband in the end, I'm certain there will be many more waits in the future. The biblical answer would seem to be to continue trusting in God, and, as David said, “Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD”. (Ps. 27:14)  Easy to say; not so easy to do sometimes...

Waiting

Over the next few days/weeks, I'm planning a couple of posts on waiting. This is something that's come up a lot in my thoughts lately. Really, I think the last 18 months of my life have been dominated by waiting: First for Gil to propose (that took longer than I expected!), then for our wedding, and now it feels like an endless wait until we find a house.

I am not a patient person. I like to make things happen. I've always been pretty self-reliant, so relying on other factors (especially people) is difficult for me. I don't think I'm alone in that. We are a society that thrives on instant gratification. What I have learned over the years, though, is that most of us are playing the waiting game. We get what we want, and we soon start to want something else. We get a job after a long search, then soon start to worry about when we will get a promotion. We count down to a vacation, then come back home and start looking towards to the next holiday. In my case, I got engaged (yay!), then married (yay!), and only a few weeks later started to get anxious about finding a house. And I know that the house won't make me happy in itself. In a little while, we will decide to start a family, and then we will be waiting to see if we get pregnant, then (assuming we are able to have children) waiting for a baby to come, then looking towards when it will be time to have a second one. All the while, looking ahead threatens to turn our attention from what God is doing RIGHT NOW.

This feeling of being in the “waiting room” has me thinking that the Lord is really using this time to develop patience in me... and I've not been using it to my advantage to grow as I ought to. Stay tuned for a few notes on what I've been learning lately.