Desert

I've been wandering around the desert lately. I didn't realize it until I had a bit of a meltdown over the weekend, but here I am. I came from someplace where I was settled; it wasn't perfect, but it was what I knew. I am going somewhere, but I don't know in what direction. I feel like God is taking me on a journey, like there will be something bigger made out of this life, but I have no idea what. I have skills, I am educated, I had a career that I liked and a church I served in, and now it seems like I am just wandering around metaphorically, unsure where this will all end up. I do not regret the choice I made to come to Toronto because I love my husband, but he is gone for long hours and I have a lot of time alone to wonder what on earth I am doing here. I found myself crying out, “Why did you bring me here, Lord?”

This month I have been reading the book of Exodus. To be honest, after the Ten Commandments, I find the book pretty boring; I'm not very visual, so it is hard to get through the description of the breastplate of the High Priest, etc. This time around, however, I am really trying to take something out of each chapter. Today's reading was from Exodus 29, about the consecration of the High Priest. Lots of rams being slaughtered, and all that fun stuff. Suddenly, something hit me: These people are in the desert. They left their homes behind, and presumably their flocks too (since there isn't really any grass to feed them in the desert). They are eating manna every day, and heading towards an unknown and scary place. Now God is telling them: “So, you're going to have this high priest outfitted in this awesome outfit, and to consecrate him you are going to sacrifice a whole bunch of rams, lambs, and maybe some bulls as well.” They are probably thinking, “God, are you crazy? We don't have any rams! We left them behind. If we did, we wouldn't be eating all this manna. Hello?!” I don't they could even fathom the fact that they would one day have enough of everything to allow for the whole sacrificial system to be in place... but God had promised them the Land of Milk and Honey, and eventually He delivered.

So all that to say, please pray for me. I think I'm in the desert. I don't know whether my next steps will lead to a new career, to further education, to starting our family, or to some place even more unknown. I just don't want to get so caught up in the frustration that I build my own golden calf of expectations and start worshiping that instead.  And if you are in the desert, please let me know how I can pray for you too.  :-)

PS  The day after I wrote this, fully half of my pastor's sermon was on "waiting on the Spirit".  Wow, God, guess I needed that exhortation!