Sometimes It's Hard

 I really struggled with writing this post. I don't want this blog to be a place where I complain. My heart is to be honest about what is going on in my life and how God is changing me through this marriage, but not to use the blog as an outlet for all my rants and complaints. On the other hand, there is a reality that I deal with daily and I want to be open about it and not paint my life as sunshine and roses (along with the occasional nasty flu).

These past few weeks have been really rough. For some reason, Gil ended up being on call for THREE full weekends. This means he has not had a day off since February. He has missed the past few weeks of 20+ degree weather. He has not been able to help me move boxes and clear out the things I had stored at my mom's house. Sometimes when he is on call during the week, he does not come home until late (like 9:30/10:00) and last Friday he worked until midnight. Basically, I've barely seen him, and he's been exhausted.

I try to take all of this in stride, but sometimes it's just hard. I get lonely. I feel sad going to church alone when I hardly know anyone there. Our weekends get extra confused because when Gil is home, he sleeps at weird times so I end up going out so as not to make noise. (This should be better in the new house because we will have more space, whereas right now any where in the apartment is within earshot). I feel like major decisions get put on hold.

Still, during weeks like this, I try to remember the goodness of God. There are still moments when Gil comes home and we can spend a few hours together that are worth all the craziness. I think about how God has prepared us for each other. When I was single, I worried about being “too independent” for my future husband. Everything I had gone through had made me pretty self-reliant. Now I am SO thankful for that. I would be drowning here in Toronto if I didn't already have my own interests to pursue. I am so glad that I learned the life skills to take care of all the little details while Gil is working (like banking, setting up the utilities for the house, etc.). I am happy that God made me and shaped me knowing what Gil would need, and what I would need in our marriage.

I am also reminded that God does not want me to gloss over the hard moments and pretend they are easy. He calls on us to cry out to Him, to cast our cares on Him, and to let Him meet our needs.

When I said, "My foot is slipping," your love, O LORD, supported me.

Psalm 94:18