I took a lot out of the book, but the
most important lesson for me was taming selfishness. This was a
lesson that kept coming back to me through the chapters. Keller
starts out by explaining what marriage is at its heart: Mutual
sacrifice and mutual fulfillment. Marriage is not a relationship
where I get whatever I want, but rather it should refine my character
so that as I give to my spouse, I am more satisfied with what I am
getting out of it. If I focus on my own fulfillment, and Gil focuses
on his, then we will ultimately miss out on seeing each other
fulfilled through our mutual efforts.
The Kellers say that marriage is about
helping one another become the person God has in mind for us. When
we commit to love one another, we are committing not to feel warm
thoughts about each other, but to help each other become the best
person they can be. It's about getting excited about what God can do
in our lives. Jesus is our truest friend, who walks by us even when
we're at our worst, and who is committed to our sanctification. I
need to be like that for my husband. And when I do that for him, I
become a better person myself.
With this in mind, I have to be honest
about my own selfishness. Keller reminds us that humans are often
blind to their own self-centredness, justifying it for a million
different reasons, but are over-sensitive to the self-centredness of
others. When you get married, you are suddenly more involved in your
spouse's life than before, and see them at their worst, so their
flaws and self-absorption are more evident than before. So you start
to say, “My husband/wife is soooo selfish! How did I never realize
this?” Because this is a consumer society where people tend to
want to get their “money's worth”, when I realize my spouse is
more self-centred than I previously thought, my immediate response is
to pull back and put less into the relationship. After all, why
should I put so much effort into the relationship if he isn't trying
hard enough?! Of course, when I pull back, my spouse sees that he
is now getting less out of the relationship than before, so he pulls
back as well. We become more and more dissatisfied with the
marriage. That doesn't necessarily mean divorce; we might instead
might put our efforts into other things that we find satisfying: our
careers, hobbies, children, friendships. Overall, however, our
marriage (and our growth) will suffer.
 |
| See, he's pretty unselfish, giving me his jacket and all... |
The answer to this problem is to take
our own selfishness more seriously. In fact, Keller says that each
of us needs to, “see your own selfishness as a fundamental problem
and treat it more seriously than your spouse's” (p. 64). Why is my
selfishness worse than Gil's? Because it's the only thing that I can
change. If I go up to my husband with a list of all the ways he has
been selfish, that will probably lead to an argument, and he will be
tempted to tell me all of my own flaws. Of course, there is room in
marriage for loving critique, but saying “You're so selfish!”
rarely ends well. Honestly, reading these chapters was a bit of a
slap upside the head for me. I was really challenged to see places
where even in serving my husband, I was motivated by my own wants and
needs. I've been earnestly praying that God reveal my selfishness to
me and help me to change it.
Have any of you read The Meaning of
Marriage? What did you think of it? Did it impact your marriage?
I'd love to hear your impressions.
Also, stay tuned for the next
installment of this series, in April-ish, when I will post about The
Five Love Languages.
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