Leaving and Cleaving over the Holidays

When I got married, I was naive enough to think we had it so easy for holidays.  My mom lives in Toronto like we do.  My dad lives in Florida and does not expect us to visit at Christmas time.  My in-laws live in Asia and likewise do not expect yearly holiday visits.  Problem solved, right?

We failed to consider, however, that this meant that my family was the default for every single holiday.  I mean, it's not like we're the Braverman clan on Parenthood (love that show!), but we do have somewhat regular get-togethers, and over Christmas, they can be numerous.  Last year's family gathering at my mom's became somewhat of a gong show:  Way too long, too many people, me serving everyone and Gil forced to make small talk with my relatives for what felt like eons.  At the end, we we were exhausted and not so full of holiday spirits.

This year, my husband will be working on the 24th and on Christmas day, so I'll probably end up spending the majority of time with my family again, but I've realized that we need to have an ongoing discussion about how much family time is too much.  Of course, this is hard, and I'm a people-pleaser.  I've already had to tell my mom that I won't be coming over to do Christmas Eve dinner.  Gil and I will not have much time together, and it's important that we make use of what little we do have.  Saying no is not easy for me, but leaving and cleaving is important in establishing my little family with Gil.  Some small things I've learned so far are:

1)  It's important to have an ongoing discussion about Christmas plans.  What works this year may not work in a few years when me and my brother (God-willing) have little ones.  We started talking last winter about what worked and what didn't for Christmas 2011, and how things may change in the future, so we will be ready for that.

2)  Not all traditions are worth keeping.  Sometimes you just can't even remember why you started doing something year after year.  If everyone still likes it, then that's great, but there's no reason to keep up things that have become meaningless or onerous.  (Now if only my family would "see the light" about our annual plum pudding tradition... Yuck.)

3)  Bring up plans well in advance and with grace.  Some people hate change, especially at Christmas, so it's important to give them time to process and prepare if the status quo is changing.

4)  Don't get so bogged up in your own needs that you forget to extend love.  Some people over-extend themselves and entertain until they are exhausted, but others cocoon so much that they shut their families and friends out.  I try to remember that most of my family do not love Christ, so sharing His joy is an important part of this season, even if it means making time when I would prefer to be with my immediate family or husband only.


Edit:  One day after I wrote this, I discovered that my mom did not remember that I wouldn't be coming over on Christmas Eve, annnnnd all of the suggestions we'd made on making family Christmas a little less onerous were not implemented.  I guess there's always next year for changing traditions!  Merry Christmas nonetheless.  :-) 

On Grumbling (Or Not)

When I worked at summer camp, our staff coordinator always started out training with her own set of "10 Commandments".  For some reason, although most of them have faded out of my memory in the last decade or so, #2 still stays with me:  "Thou shalt not grumble."*  It's pretty obvious why that was important.  Camp counselors work long days for little pay.  Their attitudes set the tone for the kids in their care, so it's important not to complain and whine... unless they feel like dealing with 12 children whining right back.

Since I work in reception, it's still very important to have a good attitude.  I don't want visitors to the church to hear me complaining, nor do I want to come across as a whiner to other staff.  Still, the temptation can be so strong to go home and vent to my husband about all the "trials" of my day, and while that may feel helpful, it often doesn't actually help me to adjust my attitude.  Instead, a small grumble leads to a bigger one, and now suddenly I'm annoyed at things that didn't even bother me before.  This certainly doesn't help me connect with my husband either:  He would certainly not prefer to spend our brief time together listening to my list of woes.

It's so easy to be a society of grumblers.  We hate waiting.  We hate bad service.  We hate traffic.  The problem is, most of these are unavoidable if we continue to live in cities and (usually) to put ourselves and our convenience ahead of that of others.  Living in a grumbling society, we use our complaints as a form of bonding:  "Yeah, I hate that cable company too!"  This doesn't make us any happier, however, because instead of building one another up, we're tearing other people and things down. 

Last week was quite a "grumbly" week for me.  We were super-busy at work, and in general I wasn't busy with tasks that are among my strengths or giftings.  Several times, I came home in the evening wishing I had checked my attitude more.  This week, I'm resolving to be more careful about the things I let come out of my mouth, and the attitude I am cultivating. 

What does the Bible say about this?  Oh yeah, "Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe."  (Philippians 2:14-15).  Obviously, I have a lot of room to grow!


*Evidently I'm not the only one who remembers this commandment.  A few days ago, said person posted a facebook status that was somewhat negative.  She immediately received this reply from another former counselor: "Is that grumbling I hear?"

Interesting Holiday Traditions Chez Nous

--> T'is the season, friends! I loooooove Christmas! Today I was thinking a little bit about holiday traditions. Gil and I have yet to really develop our own set of traditions. Where he is from, Christmas is primarily a religious holiday, so other than going to church, there is not much that people do to celebrate it. I, on the other hand, grew up with the whole gammot of Christmas traditions, from turkey to Santa to carols. I love everything... except eggnog and fruitcake.

While my family have a lot of your typical North American Christmas traditions, like decorating a tree there are a few oddball ones that I and my family have developed over the years, so I thought I'd share a few:

1) Christmas Carols as of November 1. This tradition started in university. Most of December was usually consumed by exams, so my friends and I would go gift shopping in early November so we wouldn't leave it too late. Now I always crank up the carols after Halloween. Last year we returned from our honeymoon late on October 30, spent one day in Ottawa, and moved all my things to Toronto the following day. Gil drove the the U-Haul with me following in my car, and you better believe I was listening to Christmas music all the way! My husband is not so keen on this tradition, so now it is mainly limited to my car and when I'm home alone.

2) Garfield Santa and Garfield Angel. We got these stuffed toys from McDonald's some time when I was a kid*, and they have aged remarkably well. My mom let me take them off to university with me (I believe I hung the Garfield Angel from the ceiling by his halo using dental floss). Ever since then, I bring out the Garfields to decorate at Christmas time. Even though I have some classier decorations now, these plush friends still make me happy.

3) The Santa Stocking. As a kid, my mom had a set of four stockings, each with a different design: Santa Claus, a snowwoman, a nutcracker/soldier, and a teddy bear. I had the teddy bear and my brother happily had the soldier, but when my dad moved out, we each decided we liked the Santa stocking best. Every year, we would fight over who should have Santa, so my mom made us take turns.... and we still do! We have a slip of paper in the stocking to keep track of who had it each year. Come to think of it, I'm not sure who's turn it is for 2012...

4) My Mom's unintentional insults. This isn't a real tradition, but it's something my mom ends up doing every year by accident. When we were little, my brother and I were kind of obsessed with fairness, so I guess Mom tried to keep the presents even. Now we don't care, but my mom still tries to give us a similar number of presents and even give us similar gifts. When this fails, she always feels the need to explain herself, which leads to hilarious statements like, “Now Neil, I've bought your sister several books and none for you, but that's not because I think you can't read very well.” Mom never fails to make us laugh each Christmas with her explanations.

Of course, there are serious things to ponder, and I am trying to be more mindful than usual of the spiritual significance of Advent this year, but that doesn't mean I can't also enjoy the lighthearted side of life.

*A little digging found me this McDonalds ad ca. 1991 featuring my Garfield buddies.  Check it out!

The Last Name Project

I promised something new and different today, and here it is:  Today I have a guest post over at From Two To One. 

I found Danielle at From Two To One and noticed a series of articles called "The Last Name Project".  This is a series in which women write about why the decided to keep, change, or hyphenate their last names upon marriage.  I found my self spending hours reading all of these women's stories and thinking over my own decision.

Changing your name is a very personal choice.  While for my mom's generation in English Canada, it was expected that a woman would change her name, this is not so for my generation, and certainly not for women in other parts of the world.  In my own family, one of sister-in-law hyphenated her name, while the other is using her maiden name professionally, and my step-sister has taken her husband's name.  I didn't really feel any pressure to take Gil's name, but I decided to do it anyway.  I knowingly did this realizing it will mean some confusion meeting people who know me by name first, who will in all likelihood assume I am Chinese.  (For any new readers:  I'm not.  I am a mix of Belgian and English-Canadian.)  You can find my post about my decision to change my name here. 

On How Making Friends Is Kind Of Like Dating

"So, there's this woman around my age that I see around church.  She's always friendly and in our brief conversations, it seems like we have some things in common.  Can I ask her to go for coffee with me, or I seem creepy?"

If you read the above sentence with no context, you'd think it was a guy hoping to go out on a date with this lady, right?  Except it's not.  It's about me.  And no, I'm not trying to get myself a girlfriend!  The hard truth is that after a year living here, I'm still finding it hard to make friends. Now that I work at our church, there are a lot more people that I'm friendly with, and colleagues that I like talking to, but no one who I could call out of the blue or with whom I hang out outside of the church.  I didn't even realize this until a friend of mine was in town last weekend and said she wished she could attend our church with us to meet my friends.  My first reaction was, "Oh, I don't have friends."  And then I realized that was true.

In my "old life" in Ottawa, it seemed like I didn't have to put in a lot of effort to make friends.  I was involved with several ministries and served on missions trips, so I just naturally met people and got close to them.  Here in Toronto, however, I try to stay home in the evening to have time with my husband, and that's meant that my main interaction is with the retired crowd at prayer meeting.  They are lovely and inspiring ladies, but I crave friendships with people closer to my age too.

I'm coming to realize that it's time for me to be a little more active in forming friendships.  Those "let's all go for wings after fellowship" nights are probably less likely to happen now that people my age have spouses and kids (and, speaking for myself, lower energy levels), but that just means I may have to go a little out of my comfort zone to make friends.

So that brings me to my first question:  Is it creepy to ask this woman out to coffee??  Any suggestions or advice?

On Reading: Biographies, Politics, History, Cultural Studies, etc.

This is the final entry in the my reading series, and it's going to be a bit of a catch-all for the categories not discussed thus far. This is certainly not an exhaustive list, but it includes the books I read most often. I haven't touched on topics like children's books, travelogues, or humour books because I don't read enough of them to have any insights.

Historical Books:  I actually read more history books than any other category after fiction. I guess that's what comes from being a history major in university. Because of my background, I'm fairly picky about the quality of history books: I'd prefer they be written by an academic (rather than a journalist), and I'll generally check the bibliography and avoid books without a lot of footnoting. Yes, I'm a big nerd. If you have any recommendations for books of this type, feel free to let me know!

Biographies and Memoirs:  I love biographies. In fact, I've been reading biographies since I was in grade school. One of my first was called Kelly: At Home on Third (you can find a photo here; your respect for me just went through the roof, didn't it? :-D) I typically read biographies of historical figures, political actors, and well-known Christians, rather than musicians or actors. As with history books, I prefer to read biographies that are well-researched and footnoted. I also am sometimes picky when reading Christian biographies: Christian subjects are often of interest to biographers who admire them, but this they may be tempted to skim over the more unpleasant aspects in the lives of prominent Christians (at least after they had come to personal faith). Personally, I feel that people like Luther and Bonhoeffer were conscious of their own flaws and would have preferred to have them documented so as to better show the grace of God in using imperfect people. Of course, there are also lots of great Christian biographies out there, so I'd encourage believers to read about people who went before us in the faith.

Politics and Cultural Studies:  I don't read a lot of books about politics, partly because a lot of them seem a bit like “preaching to the choir”; people don't tend to read Ann Coulter unless they already agree with her... If I do pick up something political, it will tend to be about the development of nationalism or something equally nerdy.

Cultural Studies is a more broad term, which could encompass politics, but also books that look at other aspects of society. I'd include here works like Fast Food Nation, Freakonomics, and a lot of the stuff you'll find on the New York Times bestseller list for non-fiction. I read from this category from time to time, usually books that ask questions about where our society is going and challenge me on how I live my life (for example, I have enjoyed Neil Postman in the past), and things related to the role of women. One of my favourites in this category would be Wendy Shalit's Return to Modesty.

Thanks for stopping by to check out this series on reading. I've enjoyed the chance to ruminate on why I read what I read, and have been challenged to be more intentional choosing books in the future. I'll be back to “regularly scheduled programming” for now, but check back in for something exciting and different on Thursday.

On Reading: Marriage, Family, and Other Lifestyle Books

This category would include books about marriage and raising a family, but also others geared to your real life right now: books about dating or engagement, books about living the single life, books about womanhood or manhood, books about aging gracefully. It's kind of a catch-all category, but I'm thinking of books that you read to help you in the stage you're in right now, or to prepare you for what's ahead. They may be Christian in nature, but tend to the more practical side, whereas yesterday we talked about literature that is applicable to all Christians.

My aim in this series was to talk about books, reading, and my own reading habits, but also to have some application to the reading habits of others. When I read other blogs of women around my age who discuss books from time to time, it seems the top three book categories mentioned are fiction, Christian lit, and “lifestyle” (although probably more family-oriented since I'm old most people my age seem to have kids.) Hence, I included today's category, even though I don't read these books very often, or at least I don't finish them often. (Hmmm, there seems to be a theme here...)

Nevertheless, I see the value in reading these kinds of books. Marriage is hard sometimes, and unless you have really solid, honest friendships and mentors you interact with regularly, it's difficult to get input and advice that will strengthen your marriage (rather than just give you an outlet to complain). On the other hand, reading only this kind of literature can give you a kind of “information overload”, where you may feel stressed about which advice to follow or so full of new information that you can't take it in. Of course, as with yesterday's category, Christians should carefully examine marriage (or other lifestyle books) in light of the Bible.

I have a few marriage-related books that I've always intended to read, but honestly the only one that I actually finished was obligatory reading for our pre-marital counseling sessions. I started Love and Respect, but only got a third of the way through, and have high hopes of reading Sacred Marriage and The Five Love Languages one of these days. I think my downfall is that I want to really engage with these books by journalling while reading, but that makes the process fairly slow so it doesn't get done at all.

Whenever we start our family, reading parenting books will probably come a bit more naturally, since there are so many decisions and habits to put in place with little ones and neither Gil, nor I have much experience. Until then, I'd love your input: Do you read books on marriage, dating, family-raising, etc.? Which marriage books are the most helpful or insightful? What should we plan on reading when we have children?