Oh July, bringer of hot, lazy days and summer adventures, but with heat comes the danger of being scalded,, seared, or simply consumed in the fire so that nothing is left.
Eight years ago this week, I waited awkwardly in a shopping mall entrance to meet a man for dinner. Shortly after this, I spent a weekend with my mother at our family cottage, and during a canoe outing told her, "I might have met someone. I think I like him."
Four years later, the man from the shopping mall meeting, now my dear husband Gil, said to me, yes, let's have a child. Four years ago today, full of hope, I wrote down that it was finally Cycle Day 1, our first month trying for a child. Filled with hope, I envisioned a winter pregnancy, a spring baby. My imagined spring due date pushed forward to summer, then, autumn, then winter, then spring again.
One year ago tomorrow, I got the call from the clinic. Our cycle had failed. Our last hope. The dream was dead.
I thought that one day it would get easier, that one day I would start waking out without grief or pain. It hasn't. The sharp knife point of grief has dulled slightly, but infertility is still the air that I breath, day in and day out. It envelopes me and consumes me. It is my constant companion. I am infertility and infertility is me. I cannot imagine a life when I will not be aware in every moment that I wanted to be a mother, and I never could.
How do I keep going to face another July, and another? I don't know. I live by putting one foot in front of the other. I enjoy the good moments when they come, and I let myself grieve. I am kind to myself and try to be kind to others. I pray and worship and try to find my way in this dark valley of my faith. I look forward to months that are not July.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Friday, 21 July 2017
Tuesday, 14 February 2017
Top Ten Tuesday:Favourite (And Least Favourite) Couples From Recent Books
Happy Valentine's Day, friends! Here's a true Valentine's story from my life: One year in high school, some friends and I were in a coffee shop. I thought my friend Beverly was standing next to me because I caught a flash of her blue coat, so when I noticed some paper hearts decorating the walls, I turned, wiggled my eyebrows suggestively, and said, "It's almost Valentine's Day". Turns out it was a middle aged man. Oops. Now that you've lived through my shame of twenty years past, it's time for the weekly love-themed link up. Today we're posting TTT lists with a Valentine's theme, so I'll be writing about my favourite and least favourite literary couples. I decided to go with books that I read within the last few years rather than all-time favourites, because as much as I love Lizzie and Darcy, it may be time to give some other couples a chance in the spotlight.
1. Ove and Sonja in A Man Called Ove: Ove is the very definition of a curmudgeon, but Sonja loves him anyway. I loved this portrait of love over a lifetime, even and especially through difficult circumstances.
2. Rebecca and Nicholas from The Royal We: This book was a surprise hit for me because the characters were goofy and real. Yes, the idea of an average American girl capturing the heart of prince seemed far-fetched, but the book was full of adorable and funny moments, and in the end I really loved Nick and Bex.
3. Marko and Alana from the Saga series: This story is kind of Romeo and Juliet set in space. What I love about Marko and Alana is that they flawed characters, but they are feisty and committed and passionate. Also, she has wings and he has horns, so that's pretty cool. :)
4. Leah and Jefferson in The Gold Seer series: This series plays with the old trope of the devoted guy who is in love with his unsuspecting best friend; however, Jefferson is kind and strong, and their romance develops as a quiet love story rather than fireworks and magic. I liked that they really respect and care about each other, both as friends and later as more than friends.
5. Beatrice and Hugh in The Summer Before The War: Maybe I just love period romances, but I enjoyed watching this one develop, especially as it wasn't the whole focus of the book. It was nice watching Hugh's eyes gradually open and the way that World War I showed them what was qualities were truly important in a partner and what wasn't actually such a big deal.
6. Lara Jean and Peter in P.S. I Still Love You: This series is candy to me. I laugh a lot and I get warm fuzzies, and I don't care if high school romances usually don't last. I love these two and I adore Lara Jean's family too.
Now I'll move on to a few couples that I just didn't like:
7. Elena and Nino in the Neapolitan series: Don't get me wrong; I really enjoyed this series and found it captivating, but so many times I just wanted to shake Elena and say, "He's a tool! Walk away from him!! Yes, you had a crush on him as an adolescent, but it's time to move on."
8. Elizabeth Woodville and Edward IV in The White Queen: There was way too much insta-love in this historical novel.
9. Isabelle and Gaetan in The Nightingale: I loved this book, but the romance element annoyed me. I was thankful that it was less prominent than it seemed in the beginning, but the whole, "I've just met you in wartime and now I'm in love" aspect rubbed me the wrong way. Isabelle was a strong character on her own. She didn't need to be following a boy.
10. Pretty much every couple in The Mists of Avalon: I mean, half of them were related to each other, or cheating on each other, and if not, there was probably some kind of witchcraft involved.
1. Ove and Sonja in A Man Called Ove: Ove is the very definition of a curmudgeon, but Sonja loves him anyway. I loved this portrait of love over a lifetime, even and especially through difficult circumstances.
2. Rebecca and Nicholas from The Royal We: This book was a surprise hit for me because the characters were goofy and real. Yes, the idea of an average American girl capturing the heart of prince seemed far-fetched, but the book was full of adorable and funny moments, and in the end I really loved Nick and Bex.
3. Marko and Alana from the Saga series: This story is kind of Romeo and Juliet set in space. What I love about Marko and Alana is that they flawed characters, but they are feisty and committed and passionate. Also, she has wings and he has horns, so that's pretty cool. :)
4. Leah and Jefferson in The Gold Seer series: This series plays with the old trope of the devoted guy who is in love with his unsuspecting best friend; however, Jefferson is kind and strong, and their romance develops as a quiet love story rather than fireworks and magic. I liked that they really respect and care about each other, both as friends and later as more than friends.
5. Beatrice and Hugh in The Summer Before The War: Maybe I just love period romances, but I enjoyed watching this one develop, especially as it wasn't the whole focus of the book. It was nice watching Hugh's eyes gradually open and the way that World War I showed them what was qualities were truly important in a partner and what wasn't actually such a big deal.
6. Lara Jean and Peter in P.S. I Still Love You: This series is candy to me. I laugh a lot and I get warm fuzzies, and I don't care if high school romances usually don't last. I love these two and I adore Lara Jean's family too.
Now I'll move on to a few couples that I just didn't like:
7. Elena and Nino in the Neapolitan series: Don't get me wrong; I really enjoyed this series and found it captivating, but so many times I just wanted to shake Elena and say, "He's a tool! Walk away from him!! Yes, you had a crush on him as an adolescent, but it's time to move on."
8. Elizabeth Woodville and Edward IV in The White Queen: There was way too much insta-love in this historical novel.
9. Isabelle and Gaetan in The Nightingale: I loved this book, but the romance element annoyed me. I was thankful that it was less prominent than it seemed in the beginning, but the whole, "I've just met you in wartime and now I'm in love" aspect rubbed me the wrong way. Isabelle was a strong character on her own. She didn't need to be following a boy.
10. Pretty much every couple in The Mists of Avalon: I mean, half of them were related to each other, or cheating on each other, and if not, there was probably some kind of witchcraft involved.
Saturday, 22 October 2016
Five
Five years ago, I married the love of my life. That sounds so dramatic and picturesque. It WAS a beautiful wedding, but Gil and I were never star-crossed lovers, but rather ordinary people who found each other in an ordinary way. He wasn't my first love, but he was my best love and will (hopefully!) be my last love.
These five years have been quite the journey. Sometimes I find it difficult to mark anniversaries because things turned out so very different from the way that I hoped and planned. There were many days when I thought the infertility struggle would break me forever. There are still long nights when I wonder why it had to be like this, and why my husband stays with me when I am barren, broken, and depressed. I look at the photos from five years ago and tears come to my eyes, not tears of joy, but of sadness for the dark days that were still ahead for starry-eyed 2011 Maggie and Gil.
But...
But...
But our story is not over. Our love is not over. I married to a man who still makes me laugh every day, even on the days when my cheeks feel permanently streaked with tears. I married a man who tells me he would do it all again, even knowing how dark the nights would be, and how much of me would be lost in the journey. When I met Gil more than seven years ago, and even when I married him five years ago, I didn't yet know that I was marrying the best man there is, one who has integrity and tenacity and pluck in spades. Because of who he is, and because of who our God is, I have faith that one day the sun will shine a little brighter, and the tears will flow less frequently, and we will find out who we are in this new state of being permanently childless. There are still hard days ahead, but today I will celebrate with my best friend.
Happy anniversary, my dearest love and my dearest friend.
These five years have been quite the journey. Sometimes I find it difficult to mark anniversaries because things turned out so very different from the way that I hoped and planned. There were many days when I thought the infertility struggle would break me forever. There are still long nights when I wonder why it had to be like this, and why my husband stays with me when I am barren, broken, and depressed. I look at the photos from five years ago and tears come to my eyes, not tears of joy, but of sadness for the dark days that were still ahead for starry-eyed 2011 Maggie and Gil.
But...
But...
But our story is not over. Our love is not over. I married to a man who still makes me laugh every day, even on the days when my cheeks feel permanently streaked with tears. I married a man who tells me he would do it all again, even knowing how dark the nights would be, and how much of me would be lost in the journey. When I met Gil more than seven years ago, and even when I married him five years ago, I didn't yet know that I was marrying the best man there is, one who has integrity and tenacity and pluck in spades. Because of who he is, and because of who our God is, I have faith that one day the sun will shine a little brighter, and the tears will flow less frequently, and we will find out who we are in this new state of being permanently childless. There are still hard days ahead, but today I will celebrate with my best friend.
Happy anniversary, my dearest love and my dearest friend.
Sunday, 19 June 2016
For the Love of Sadie
This past week was bittersweet. There were some ups: I graduated from my Master's program on Thursday and got to celebrate with friends and family, but a day before, my sweet cat Sadie passed away.
Sadie was my roommate's cat. I moved in with Dana in early 2006. She had a cat, and I had a cat. Somehow, when she left, I had both kitties "temporarily". That was nine years ago!
She was a quirky little feline. She had the most delicate bones and features of any cat I've had. She was extremely skittish and afraid of men. When I started dating Gil, she would hide every time he came by. He didn't believe that I actually had two cats. She gradually got curious, and would sneakily try to check him out. In my old condo, the kitchen and living room were at street level, while the bedrooms were downstairs. We would be sitting on the couch talking or watching TV, and she would stand on the stairs and poke her little head up like a periscope, scoping out the situation but able to run away at the first sight of danger. The only male that she never seemed wary of was my mom's partner Brian. Somehow she loved him from the get-go.
Sadie taught me things about myself, and about love. She had a weird habit of sticking her butt in your face if you were patting her. This made it difficult to cuddle with her and have anything in your hands. I remember one time, she was walking all over me and sticking her bum in the air, and I blurted out, "Why don't you just let me love you?!" It made me think about how easy it is to love those who do what we want them to do, but the nature of real love is selfless, loving others even when we don't understand them or their motivations or they drive us crazy. I'm so blessed to be loved by people even when I am not always the most lovable.
Some people might say that she was only a cat, and I guess that's true. In the past few years, however, she was just what I needed. Sure, she didn't speak or understand my situation. But because she didn't speak, she couldn't say things like, "Sure you're infertile, but at least you get to sleep in on weekends" or "Don't you know that parenting is hard?" She didn't understand, so when I was weeping about my infertility and she walked away, I knew it wasn't personal and she wasn't choosing not to care. She never made me feel like I couldn't be sad over my infertility unless I'd exhausted every single option, or like I had to justify my infertility decisions before I could get any sympathy. Unlike people, she never snubbed me or ignored my pain any more than a cat does naturally. Unlike people, she loved me for who I was. She didn't say anything, but her presence was more than enough. So she was just a cat, but sometimes that made her the best friend I could have had in this messy, ugly, lonely ride through infertility. She was just a cat, but she was my cat, and I will miss her terribly.
I love you, Sadie Lady.
Sadie was my roommate's cat. I moved in with Dana in early 2006. She had a cat, and I had a cat. Somehow, when she left, I had both kitties "temporarily". That was nine years ago!
 |
| Sadie and Scout |
She was a quirky little feline. She had the most delicate bones and features of any cat I've had. She was extremely skittish and afraid of men. When I started dating Gil, she would hide every time he came by. He didn't believe that I actually had two cats. She gradually got curious, and would sneakily try to check him out. In my old condo, the kitchen and living room were at street level, while the bedrooms were downstairs. We would be sitting on the couch talking or watching TV, and she would stand on the stairs and poke her little head up like a periscope, scoping out the situation but able to run away at the first sight of danger. The only male that she never seemed wary of was my mom's partner Brian. Somehow she loved him from the get-go.
Sadie taught me things about myself, and about love. She had a weird habit of sticking her butt in your face if you were patting her. This made it difficult to cuddle with her and have anything in your hands. I remember one time, she was walking all over me and sticking her bum in the air, and I blurted out, "Why don't you just let me love you?!" It made me think about how easy it is to love those who do what we want them to do, but the nature of real love is selfless, loving others even when we don't understand them or their motivations or they drive us crazy. I'm so blessed to be loved by people even when I am not always the most lovable.
 |
| Hiding in a box, as one does |
Some people might say that she was only a cat, and I guess that's true. In the past few years, however, she was just what I needed. Sure, she didn't speak or understand my situation. But because she didn't speak, she couldn't say things like, "Sure you're infertile, but at least you get to sleep in on weekends" or "Don't you know that parenting is hard?" She didn't understand, so when I was weeping about my infertility and she walked away, I knew it wasn't personal and she wasn't choosing not to care. She never made me feel like I couldn't be sad over my infertility unless I'd exhausted every single option, or like I had to justify my infertility decisions before I could get any sympathy. Unlike people, she never snubbed me or ignored my pain any more than a cat does naturally. Unlike people, she loved me for who I was. She didn't say anything, but her presence was more than enough. So she was just a cat, but sometimes that made her the best friend I could have had in this messy, ugly, lonely ride through infertility. She was just a cat, but she was my cat, and I will miss her terribly.
I love you, Sadie Lady.
Sunday, 14 February 2016
Happy Valentine's Day
I'm not a huge V-Day fan, but in the celebration of love in its many forms, I dedicate this valentine to all my loyal readers. Love you all!
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