Eight Years, Four Years, One Year

Oh July, bringer of hot, lazy days and summer adventures, but with heat comes the danger of being scalded,, seared, or simply consumed in the fire so that nothing is left.

Eight years ago this week, I waited awkwardly in a shopping mall entrance to meet a man for dinner. Shortly after this, I spent a weekend with my mother at our family cottage, and during a canoe outing told her, "I might have met someone. I think I like him."

Four years later, the man from the shopping mall meeting, now my dear husband Gil, said to me, yes, let's have a child. Four years ago today, full of hope, I wrote down that it was finally Cycle Day 1, our first month trying for a child. Filled with hope, I envisioned a winter pregnancy, a spring baby. My imagined spring due date pushed forward to summer, then, autumn, then winter, then spring again.

One year ago tomorrow, I got the call from the clinic. Our cycle had failed. Our last hope. The dream was dead.

I thought that one day it would get easier, that one day I would start waking out without grief or pain. It hasn't. The sharp knife point of grief has dulled slightly, but infertility is still the air that I breath, day in and day out. It envelopes me and consumes me. It is my constant companion. I am infertility and infertility is me. I cannot imagine a life when I will not be aware in every moment that I wanted to be a mother, and I never could.

How do I keep going to face another July, and another? I don't know. I live by putting one foot in front of the other. I enjoy the good moments when they come, and I let myself grieve. I am kind to myself and try to be kind to others. I pray and worship and try to find my way in this dark valley of my faith. I look forward to months that are not July.

April 2017 Life Update

Hi friends! It's been a while since I just updated everyone on how our life is going, so I figured that was overdue.

Work: I don't even know if I mentioned this (oops), but I graduated last June with a Master of Information, and then started looking for work. In November, I was offered a part-time, one-year contract position working on a research grant at a hospital, and in February, I started a second part-time position, also in medical research. It's been an interesting journey and I am learning a lot! Working two part-time jobs is difficult because I will learn something and then not be back for days, so that has been a challenge, but I hope that by putting in the hours, I'll eventually get to a full-time position.

Convocation!

Writing: I took part in NaNoWriMo last November and I managed to hit my goal of 50,000 words! However, I didn't actually finish the novel and it's been on the backburner ever since because I started working that month. Maybe one day, I will pick it up again. I also have been contributing to my church women's ministry blog, which you can find here.

Travel: I have been struggling with this area. Between infertility treatments and school and Gil's schedule, we have not had a proper vacation in years. We went to Barcelona last June, but that was for a conference and it was a whirlwind trip. I'm going to push for a winter vacation next year, but we may be able to do a long weekend trip somewhere in Ontario in the next few months. Keep your fingers crossed, because we really do need that time away together! There is a chance that I may go on a summer mission trip with the church in August, but I will update more on that later when it's finalized.

Infertility: There is really no update possible. I am still grieving our journey and the child that will never be. There are days when I am okay, and other days when I see nothing but darkness around and ahead of me. I am learning to enjoy the good moments and ask God for the strength to survive the hard ones.

Neville: Is cute as always. I mean, look at this face! :) This little guy gives me so much joy. We have had so many downs since we adopted him, and his boundless energy and silly ways keep me laughing during the dark times.

Five

Five years ago, I married the love of my life. That sounds so dramatic and picturesque. It WAS a beautiful wedding, but Gil and I were never star-crossed lovers, but rather ordinary people who found each other in an ordinary way. He wasn't my first love, but he was my best love and will (hopefully!) be my last love.

These five years have been quite the journey. Sometimes I find it difficult to mark anniversaries because things turned out so very different from the way that I hoped and planned. There were many days when I thought the infertility struggle would break me forever. There are still long nights when I wonder why it had to be like this, and why my husband stays with me when I am barren, broken, and depressed. I look at the photos from five years ago and tears come to my eyes, not tears of joy, but of sadness for the dark days that were still ahead for starry-eyed 2011 Maggie and Gil.

But...

But...

But our story is not over. Our love is not over. I married to a man who still makes me laugh every day, even on the days when my cheeks feel permanently streaked with tears. I married a man who tells me he would do it all again, even knowing how dark the nights would be, and how much of me would be lost in the journey. When I met Gil more than seven years ago, and even when I married him five years ago, I didn't yet know that I was marrying the best man there is, one who has integrity and tenacity and pluck in spades. Because of who he is, and because of who our God is, I have faith that one day the sun will shine a little brighter, and the tears will flow less frequently, and we will find out who we are in this new state of being permanently childless. There are still hard days ahead, but today I will celebrate with my best friend.

Happy anniversary, my dearest love and my dearest friend.

How Infertilty Has Changed Me

I actually wrote this piece in July, anticipating our one-year anniversary of trying, but have been back and forth on whether I wanted to post it or had more to say.  After an emotional day (for no real reason, just because), I've decided it should go up.  Please excuse the length.

When I was 14, I wrote a short story in which a teenage boy witnessed his female friend slowly lose her personality, while her body became weaker, only to realize that her boyfriend was an alien who was slowly sucking out her soul. (Spoiler alert: She died in the end.) I'm not sure why my Grade 9 self was so morbid, but in retrospect, it seems my story from half a lifetime ago mirrored my life to come. Truly, sometimes it feels like I've lost my personality to infertility.

Not to romanticize my former life, which had its fair share of sad and frustrated moments, but I really was a vibrant, interesting person at one time. I mean, I got to brief generals and the chief of staff to a cabinet minister at my job. One year, I traveled to Hawaii AND South Africa. I learned languages, led youth groups, and had fun and crazy girls nights with friends that involved photo scavenger hunts and corn mazes. I think it's safe to say that I was fun once. Now it feels like my whole life is ultrasounds, blood tests, and waiting for ovulation. My mood is dictated by whatever hormones are being pumped into my body this week (either naturally or through supplements), and the simplest things like seeing a cute baby in a store can set me into a day-long slump. I cry at everything. I hate this person that I have become.

Probably the worst part of the emotional fall-out is that it is so hard to share joy with others. I want so badly to rejoice at pregnancy announcements and new babies, but it is hard. I have pulled so many brave faces that sometimes I am not sure what I actually look like any more. I know, logically, that it isn't like there are only so many babies to go around, but sometimes when I see another pregnancy announcement online, it is like a physical punch to the gut of “Once again, it's not me.” As a friend once said: “You are happy for them, but sad for you.” Sometimes, though, I am so sad for me that whatever happiness is underneath, it just can't get to the surface. As much as I know this is normal, and I have heard it from infertile women of all stripes, there is no way not to feel like the world's most selfish person.

On top of the inner guilt for not rejoicing with those who rejoice, you have the imposed guilt from everyone who tries to convince you to “buck up” and “be positive” and “stop saying those negative things about yourself”. So now you feel badly for being a downer, and for making everyone else sad. If infertility is one thing, it is a series of masks that you wear to pretend you aren't a mess just so you can get through that baby shower, that work day, or even just that trip to the store, without causing an incident.

In the worst moments of infertility, you feel yourself pull away. I go through days when the thought of visiting my friends back in Ottawa is unbearable, not because I don't like them, but because I know there will be subtle glances at my stomach and hints around when we will be trying. I contemplated going to the summer women's Bible study, but wondered if I could bear being around all those women, with all those potential questions. I don't call or email friends for weeks because I don't want to be a drag, and I have nothing happy to share. All I want to do is sit on my bed watching Harry Potter movies and pretend that magic is real, that one day someone will whisk me away to a special place where I will be so much more than what I am now.

On the other hand, infertility has stretched me as a person, and taught me a lot about myself. I feel like layers have been stripped off, the veneer of “successful” and “satisfied” that I felt was over my life, and I have been forced to look at what is underneath and analyze where I came from. In the first place, I've realized how much I have taken my health for granted. It's true that I've resented my body over the past year more than ever before, but I've also realized how lucky I am that this is the first time I've had to really engage with the medical system. I have never really been sick. Sure, I had pneumonia as a toddler (which was far more traumatic for my parents than for me), and mono as an adult, but aside from flus and for few minor and stupid accidents, I have only seen doctors for an annual check-up. For 32 years I took it as a given that my body would do what it was supposed to. This is a privilege that many people don't have.

In the broader scheme of things, I have come to realize how much of my life has been easy. I was born into privilege, maybe not into riches, but into a loving, middle class home where I had everything I needed and more. I might have been shy, but was also smart and articulate. I have always lived a life in which you work hard and reap the rewards. As a Christian, I do believe in my head that we cannot expect God to gives us only good and not hardship, or that I can have all my desires granted in a sinful world, but I am only just realizing that my theology and my life expectations don't match up. There have certainly been difficult times and soul searching in the past, particularly in times of family drama, but when I look back, I realize how much I have always naively believed that things will turn out in the end. Getting pregnant is the first thing that I have really “failed” at, and the first time that I have had to confront the idea that God can be good even if our longing for a baby is never granted. It is hard, but it is a lesson I will surely need to learn at some point.

I have learned again and again that I need to take care of myself. My default has always been to keep busy, so that when troubles come, I can put them aside until tomorrow. A dozen or so infertility-related breakdowns later, I am realizing that it's okay to pull back. It's okay to quit Mandarin classes for a while because medical appointments are taking over my schedule, and something's gotta give. It's okay to show up for an hour at that baby shower, and duck out early because you are hurting. I've also learned that while sometimes the resentment against my body is high, I still need to take care of my health, to exercise and rest, because it will ultimately make me feel better.

To some extent, going through infertility has shown me how much I dislike the veneer of pleasantness that we paint over ourselves in polite conversation and social media. I am still figuring out how to navigate honesty and privacy, but I hate knowing of the many Facebook pregnancy announcements I've seen, some of them must have been following difficulties like ours, but when they go out online, it makes it look like everything has always been rosy. I hate the idealized photos and snippets of family life that make everyone who is barely getting by feel like they are failing. I want to live a life – online and in person – that is more honest, where people can feel encouraged by my story instead of feeling like they have to aspire to a lifestyle that I don't even have. I want to be more real, and to find people with whom I can be real.

I'd like to be able to say that I learned how strong I really am.... but I'm not sure that's the case. I guess I have learned that whenever I think I can't make it any longer, as TobyMac says, I “get back up again.” I know that even though I loathe to think we will still be in this game a year from now, five years from now, after getting through the past thirteen months, I know that even if it takes that long, we will still keep getting up and finding joy where we can.

Two

It's crazy to believe it, but it's been two whole years since we walked down the aisle.  Yesterday, Gil and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary, so we're officially no longer newlyweds. 

I actually find anniversaries kind of sad.  The morbid part of me thinks that we're counting up from our wedding, but also with every year, we diminish the number of years we have left.  Still, it's nice to look back and remember a great day while celebrating the fact that we've made it so far.

Going to the Chapel...

The funny thing about weddings, is that so much time goes into preparing for them, and then they're over so quickly.  I barely remember anything on that day, not the speeches, not what people were wearing, and not even what I was thinking while waiting to say my vows.  (I think it was somewhere along the lines of, "Wow, we're really doing this."

Year 2 was good year overall, less eventful than Year 1 (thankfully we didn't have to move at all), and I think we really settled into this life together.  I have nothing but high hopes for the coming year.

Here's to you, Gil!


PS  In case you are wondering, my husband is very hesitant about photos of himself going on the Internet.  I can put some on Facebook, but as this is an open blog, I avoid anything with his face, hence all the back- and hand-shots of him.  :-)

Medical Mondays: Sometimes There Is No "We"

It's the first Monday of October (already?) and that means it's Medical Monday, hosted this month by Jane at From a Doctor's Wife, Emma at Your Doctor's Wife, and Lisa at Life of Ray Doc's Life.  This time I'm posting about home maintenance as a medical spouse.  It's meant to be taken lightly, and not as a criticism of my very busy husband.

Last weekend, while I was in the throes of gardening, I suddenly thought to myself that home ownership is like a gateway drug. You think it will satisfy you, but it ends up bring more work and stress than you anticipated. For example, about 18 months ago, we were so excited to move into our brand new house. After spending most of adulthood in apartments, dorms, and condos, it was thrilling to have a whole house to ourselves. No more listening to the upstairs neighbour's chihuahua barking or opening three or four doors before being home.  We had space!  We had freedom!

We moved in and it was bliss. Well, that is until we realised that our house had a lawn. Of course, we knew that before, but apparently you need to mow a lawn regularly or it looks terrible and you start finding maintenance flyers stuck in your door on a daily basis. We also discovered that we had no idea how to operate the mower we had bought from the previous owners. Thankfully, my husband's colleague recommended a good lawn service, and we breathed a sign of relief.

This year, Gil had the wonderful suggestion that we should start a garden. He was really excited about this project that we would undertake, but it turns out that by “we”, that meant that he borrowed some books from his secretary and I did all the purchasing, digging, planting, and minimal harvesting. For hours of labour, we seem to have exacted several handfuls of cherry tomatoes and three small onions. Still, I was excited at this new venture and despite the lacklustre results, I'm happy that “we” tried it out.

As soon as the garden was started, Gil decided we needed to begin composting. Luckily, our city provides composters at only a minimal delivery cost. Of course, I postponed ordering one until late summer and it wasn't delivered until two weeks later, but now we can finally get started and will hopefully have great soil for next year's garden.  It turns out, however, that composting is actual work.  You don't just put it on your lawn and dump items into it.  Instead, you need to mix the compost material with leaves, twigs, and plants.  In short, to set up the composted we needed to spend considerable time raking and weeding to get enough for the base of the compost.  And by "we", I mean "me", because Gil was once again at the hospital on a Saturday.

Then something strange happened. Apples emerged on the lovely tree in our yard which last year produced lovely blossoms but no fruit. It would have been wonderful, except that we didn't realise how quickly the apples would ripen and by the time I got around to buying a “fruit-picker”, most of the apples had fallen and begun rotting on our lawn. This is why I found myself on a lovely fall Saturday bending over to pick up rotten apples and deposit them into our brand new composter. To make matters worse, many of the rotting apples were covered in bees. [Gil's comment:  "That's great!  We need to maintain a healthy bee population in the neighbourhood!"]

All this to say: We love our house, but be careful what you wish for. And now I've learned that whenever my doctor husband says “we” should start a project, it probably means I'll be doing most of it!

Medical Mondays: The Dreaded Schedule

It's once again the first Monday of the month, and that mean's it's Medical Monday.  Woohoo!  This month's link-up is hosted by Jane at From a  Doctor's Wife and Emma at Your Doctor's Wife.  We've been enjoying long weekend here in Ontario, if your definition of "enjoying" involves being awakened at 6:30am by pagers going off.

This month I'm talking about the complex issue of scheduling.  It is something I still don't have a handle on, so I hope some other medical folks will chime in and give me advise.

Once upon a time, I boasted of being a luddite.  I didn't need electronic organizers!  I had a wall calendar and a paper organizer.  I loved the feel of a brand new daytimer and enjoyed writing in the dates for the year ahead.

Then I got married to someone who loves technology and is insanely busy.  Even when we were dating, Gil added me onto his online calendar so I could see when he was on-call.  Because of my old-fashioned tendencies, I'd dutifully write his on-call weekends on my paper calendar.  As we eased into married life, however, the paper organizer became less and less useful because I didn't actually have a life to keep track of, and the online calendar became my life-line for keeping track of Gil's crazy days.

Nowadays, apart from a large wall calendar that's partly for show, I've had to give up on my beloved paper.  (You're welcome, trees!) Gil and I use Google Calendars and the Calendars + app to keep tabs on each other.  Since I work shift work and sometimes have evening obligations, it's also important for my husband to know when I'm not going to be around.  Sometimes I "invite" him to a date so he'll know he has to that evening off.  Even with the online calendars, though, life is confusing.  Honestly, I don't know how I will do it once kids come into the equation and we are dealing with doctor and dentist appointments, extra-curricular classes, etc.

Medical families, I'd love to know how you keep track of your busy life.  What methods work and which have been colossal failures?  Inquiring minds want to know!

Marriage Reading: Creative Counterpart

This is the third installment of my marriage reading series. This time I read the book Creative Counterpart by Linda Dillow.  I didn't know what to expect as I go this on Kindle so didn't have any cues from the cover blurbs or illustrations, plus it is a bit older, but I ended up really enjoying it!

What I liked best about this book was the focus on character rather than tasks. Dillow began the book discussing the Proverbs 31 woman, but noted the importance of looking at the woman's character instead of a list of all the stuff she does. She noted the qualities of trustworthiness, industry (working hard even if you don't like the task), organization, and love. She also stressed that the relationship with God enables all of these characters. In fact, I found this book to be incredibly biblical, which was refreshing in comparison to some “Christian” authors that throw in a Bible verse or two just to support their own ideas. (Not trying to implicate any specific people here, but rather a general theme I've seen sometimes.)

Interestingly, I found that the last chapter had the deepest lessons for me. Firstly, Dillow states that to have a good marriage, I must do the following: Accept my circumstances; accept my husband for who he is; and accept myself. Soooooo many marriages fall apart because people think, “If only we had more money, things would be better” or “If my husband were X, things would be better.” We can only work on our marriage when we accept the conditions as they are. The second key point was that refusing forgiveness is a huge hindrance to growth. Guilt is a huge issue for me, and I have recently become more aware that beating myself doesn't actually help me learn, and it also puts undue strain on my relationship with Gil, because he shouldn't have to console me for every little mistake I make.

A theme running through the book was acceptance of your husband, showing you're on his team and not pressuring him to be perfect. This also leads to discussion about how a wife handles her husband's flaws. I really appreciated the call to consider my own attitude when my husband does something I don't like. Yes, it's bad for him to (FILL IN THE BLANK), but if I respond by arguing, badgering, giving him the silent treatment, or bad-mouthing him to others, I'm also sinning. Dillow comes on strong with the idea that nagging is not generally helpful. I particularly liked the quote: “God the Holy Spirit does not need a wife to be a personal Holy Spirit.” Yet, it never comes out as though wives should keep silent about flaws, but rather they need to address the issues properly. In the chapter on submission, she actually notes that not voicing an opinion is not necessarily submissive: You could be staying quite and smug, just waiting for your husband's plan to fail. So by accepting your husband as he is, you open the door to work with him on issues, instead of seeing his flaws as something that is holding you back or getting on your nerves.

I also appreciated Dillow's focus on the long-term. She stresses that women shouldn't adjust their attitude in expectation that things will immediately be fixed, that a change will be a cure-all to any problems in the relationship. She says a few times that we need to remember that suffering often produces long-term good. We can't just assume that hard times are necessarily bad and need to be 'fixed'.

One practical thing I took out of the book was the idea of writing out your priorities and fitting them into your week. I talked about this a few weeks ago (http://mrsdoctordear.blogspot.ca/2013/06/productivity-at-home.html), so I won't go into detail again. I went out and got a glass board and markers just to do this. It's helped me remember to fit my home chores into life (rather than waiting to “feel like” doing them).

Kind of blurry, but you get the gist of it.

Overall, I really liked this book and would definitely recommend it to others! Tune in for the next installment (late August, probably), when I'll be discussing John Piper's This Momentary Marriage.

Marriage Reading: The Five Love Languages

This is the second installment of my marriage reading series. This time, I picked up The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This book was quite a change from the “heady” Tim Keller, in that it is very practical and easy to read. It is also full of personal stories, based on Gary Chapman's many years as a marriage counselor and doing marriage seminars.

If you're unfamiliar with the concept, Chapman looks at the issue of how we express love to one another. So often, we see couples that once were happy and in love suddenly start to come apart. She says he doesn't love her any more. He says that he's done everything he could, but she's never satisfied, and moreover, it's her who pulled away. What happened?

Chapman says that there are five basic “love languages”, and that each person tends towards one or two of them. The languages are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Physical Touch, Receiving Gifts, and Acts of Service. These love languages come from our personalities, our upbringings, etc. We tend to express love in the way that we want to be loved. So since my love languages is quality time, I will want to express my love to a friend by setting aside time for them. The problem is that maybe my friend's love language is physical touch, so she expresses her love to me by hugging me every time we meet, but she doesn't understand why I am sad when she cancels on our plans. In friendship this is a pain, but in marriage, it can tear you apart.

The question is, why doesn't this issue come up when you're first dating someone? Surely, you would realize that you're not really compatible. Chapman says that when you meet someone and fall in love, you're overwhelmed with the euphoria of the feeling. You feel like you know that person intimately (even though often you don't), and since you're both in love, the relationship seems effortless. It's only when the “in love” feelings wear off that you start to feel unloved, and that's when it's important to know your love language and your spouse's. Chapman doesn't say this, but I would also argue that when you're first dating, you probably do ALL the love languages without thinking: You spend lots of time together, you hold hands, you give little gifts and do nice things for each other “just because”. Once you're settled into marriage, however, you stop dating your spouse, and putting the effort into the relationship becomes work. You have to actively choose to love your spouse, and knowing each other's love languages is a big part of that. Incidentally, I don't recall feeling euphorically in love with my husband or having the feeling of coming down from a high, but I still understand that this is a common situation. It may have because we were long-distance for so long that we were forced to rely on more than just emotions even in the early months.

This book wasn't as challenging to me as Keller was, probably because I knew the concept before and had already done the love languages test. What I liked the most, however, was that Chapman addressed questions like “What if my spouse doesn't try to speak my love language?” and “What if my spouse's love language is something I don't like doing?” And the answer is: You still do it. You still choose to love your spouse in the way that suits him or her, because that's what real love is. Just as I can choose to act in love even when I feel angry or upset, I can choose to do something that's out of my comfort zone, like giving Gil a backrub or hugging a friend (I like to hug my husband but I'm really not a hugger) if it will make that person feel loved. Chapman says this is actually a more true expression of love. If I'm just loving in my natural way, then it's about me just as much as it's about Gil. If I'm giving sacrificially, it's real love. He also makes a great point that we have no problem doing things that are unnatural to us if it benefits ourselves. We get up early even though we want to sleep because we need to go to work and make money. We exercise when we don't feel like it because we want to have better health. If I can do it for myself, can't I do it for my husband? Also, I can do loving actions for GIl when I don't think he's behaving in a loving way because I follow the example of Christ, who died for the unlovely. In this way, Chapman and Keller are on the same page; they both say that pursuing real love is about choosing to act for your spouse's good, but in the end, you will both benefit.

One further thing I liked about this book was that it didn't put people in a box. Before reading it, I thought somehow that people with the same love language like the same things, but of course that's not true. Chapman says we each have our own “dialect”, if you will. If two people both like “Acts of Service,” that doesn't mean that the same acts will have the same impact, so you really have to know your spouse and what they like and dislike.

Have you read this book? What were you thoughts? Also, tune in in June when I'll be discussing Creative Counterpart by Linda Dillow. And hey, if you want to read it along with me, feel free!

Locked Out!

Yesterday morning my husband forgot his keys. He was up early and I slept in, but was suddenly awakened when he phoned and asked me to let him in. We laughed, he grabbed his key ring, and we forgot about the incident.  Oh foreshadowing! Only a half a day later and I found myself in the same predicament, only worse because I had no one at home to let me in.

Late that afternoon, I threw on my workout clothes before heading out to ladies fitness at the church. I marveled at the warm spring weather, thinking how great it was not to have to pull on long pants over my workout capris. I grabbed my water bottle, pulled on my rubber boots because of all the puddles, locked the front door from the inside and stepped onto the porch... without my keys!

What to do now? I couldn't get into my car to drive anywhere. Even if I had time to walk to the church, I couldn't go to fitness in my rubber boots, and of course, Gil is on call this week and likely to be home late. I considered taking the bus to my mom's house, but that's a bit far for Gil to come pick me up. In the end I chose my favourite vestige of security: the public library.

Unfortunately, our closest library is in a mall. This is the kind of mall that is so wannabe posh that its posters describe it as "haute". There are chandeliers in the lobby and most of the clientele are my mom's age. This is where I found myself, wearing workout capris with rubber boots. Good thing I try to keep things classy!

My attractive ensemble

Thankfully, I have a sense of humor and don't panic easily. I spent some time getting caught up in my Thomas Friedman, and eventually made it home safe and sound. And hopefully I have learned not to be so hasty in locking the front door.


Update:  When I wrote this post, I was still at the mall, anticipating a quick rescue. That didn't happen.  My husband and I obviously had our lines crossed and some communication mishaps ensured that it ended up being a rough evening for both of us.  I decided to keep the lighthearted tone of my original writing, but want to be honest here and let you know that my life isn't a sit-com and by the end of the evening, I wasn't laughing my way through this experience.  I'd appreciate your prayers as Gil and I try to debrief our way through this and find ways to avoid such miscommunication in the future!

On Knowing Yourself

Do you know your love language?  I've just started reading the Five Love Languages for my marriage reading series, and in preparation took a Love Languages quiz.  Hands-down my top language is "quality time", with "words of affirmation" in second place.  I already suspected this, but it's nice to see it officially.

This got me thinking about my moods lately.  Last week I was feeling low, but the past few days my attitude seems that my attitude has done a 180.  I was attributing this to the feeling of spring in the air, but then when I looked back at the last seven days, a theme came out.  This past week, I've started planning a visit with great friends, gone on a retreat with my youth group, and met up with a new friend.  So actually, I suspect that my mood has improved because I'm "feeling the love" from several sources and looking forward to some quality time with friends next weekend.



Of course, love languages are only one way to get to know your own personality and preferences.  We recently did tests at work to find our strengths, and I helped a friend fill out a Meyers-Briggs personality test, so took the liberty of trying it on myself too.  (I'm an INTJ, in case you're interested.)

As a psychologist's daughter, I was brought up with the idea that knowing oneself is about being able to identify your own needs, strengths, and weakness.  It's helpful to be able to tell Gil that doing X makes me feel loved, or to realize that a certain situation will be difficult for me because of my personality, so I'll have to be more prayerful and mindful of my attitude in the process.  On the other hand, we have to balance being self-aware with being self-absorbed.  We live in a world of all different personality types and love languages, so we can't expect everyone around us to cater to our own needs or preferences.  In fact, as Christians, we should be seeking to go out of our comfort zone in order to meet others at their needs.  (Tim Challies says this much better than I can in this entry.)

What about you?  Have you tried personality inventories, strength finders, etc., and have you found them helpful?  How do you balance your distinct personality and preferences with the call to serve and share the gospel in all situations?

Meaning of Marriage, Part II

Welcome back! I'm discussing the book The Meaning of Marriage, and because it was such a meaty read, I've divided my thoughts into two posts. You can read Part I here.

I took a lot out of the book, but the most important lesson for me was taming selfishness. This was a lesson that kept coming back to me through the chapters. Keller starts out by explaining what marriage is at its heart: Mutual sacrifice and mutual fulfillment. Marriage is not a relationship where I get whatever I want, but rather it should refine my character so that as I give to my spouse, I am more satisfied with what I am getting out of it. If I focus on my own fulfillment, and Gil focuses on his, then we will ultimately miss out on seeing each other fulfilled through our mutual efforts.

The Kellers say that marriage is about helping one another become the person God has in mind for us. When we commit to love one another, we are committing not to feel warm thoughts about each other, but to help each other become the best person they can be. It's about getting excited about what God can do in our lives. Jesus is our truest friend, who walks by us even when we're at our worst, and who is committed to our sanctification. I need to be like that for my husband. And when I do that for him, I become a better person myself.

With this in mind, I have to be honest about my own selfishness. Keller reminds us that humans are often blind to their own self-centredness, justifying it for a million different reasons, but are over-sensitive to the self-centredness of others. When you get married, you are suddenly more involved in your spouse's life than before, and see them at their worst, so their flaws and self-absorption are more evident than before. So you start to say, “My husband/wife is soooo selfish! How did I never realize this?” Because this is a consumer society where people tend to want to get their “money's worth”, when I realize my spouse is more self-centred than I previously thought, my immediate response is to pull back and put less into the relationship. After all, why should I put so much effort into the relationship if he isn't trying hard enough?! Of course, when I pull back, my spouse sees that he is now getting less out of the relationship than before, so he pulls back as well. We become more and more dissatisfied with the marriage. That doesn't necessarily mean divorce; we might instead might put our efforts into other things that we find satisfying: our careers, hobbies, children, friendships. Overall, however, our marriage (and our growth) will suffer.

See, he's pretty unselfish, giving me his jacket and all...

The answer to this problem is to take our own selfishness more seriously. In fact, Keller says that each of us needs to, “see your own selfishness as a fundamental problem and treat it more seriously than your spouse's” (p. 64). Why is my selfishness worse than Gil's? Because it's the only thing that I can change. If I go up to my husband with a list of all the ways he has been selfish, that will probably lead to an argument, and he will be tempted to tell me all of my own flaws. Of course, there is room in marriage for loving critique, but saying “You're so selfish!” rarely ends well. Honestly, reading these chapters was a bit of a slap upside the head for me. I was really challenged to see places where even in serving my husband, I was motivated by my own wants and needs. I've been earnestly praying that God reveal my selfishness to me and help me to change it.

Have any of you read The Meaning of Marriage? What did you think of it? Did it impact your marriage? I'd love to hear your impressions.

Also, stay tuned for the next installment of this series, in April-ish, when I will post about The Five Love Languages.

Marriage Reading: The Meaning of Marriage

A while back, I shared my intention to read through six marriage-related books this year and post my impressions. The first book I read was The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy and Kathy Keller. My intention with this post and tomorrow's is not to write a book review, but rather to write what I learned from my reading. There are some topics that I haven't discussed at all, including the chapters on “sex and marriage” and “singleness”. That's not because they weren't interesting, but so that I won't recap the entire book instead of encouraging you to read it yourself!

My overall opinion of The Meaning of Marriage is as follows: Read this book. Now. This was a fantastic read, both challenging and encouraging. I took so many notes that it's been difficult summing up my thoughts in a blog post or two. I loved that this book was solidly biblically-based, as well as relying on the experiences of the Kellers' 30-year marriage and many years of pastoring churches.

Some Interesting Points

One thing that stood out was how Keller often discussed what the Bible says marriage should be in comparison to what our culture says about it AND what the traditional views about it. Christians in North America are often seen as being traditional and conservative, and Keller pointed out in several places that traditional is not the same as biblical. For example, when he discussed singleness, he noted that our culture's view of dating is neither biblical nor healthy, especially in our search for a “soul mate” who will complete our lives. He also, however, said that courtship, as practiced in some conservative circles, is not inherently more biblical (because the Bible doesn't tell us instructions on how to find a spouse), nor is it practical for many people.

The book challenged my expectations for marriage. Keller says that in most of human history, marriage was about stability and provision for the future, rather than love (although of course you did hope to get along with your spouse); religion and culture provided a broader idea of what was meaningful in life. Nowadays, many people are skeptical of religion or are not meaningfully engaged in religious practice. This means we can end up looking to our relationships to give our lives meaning, and that is a whole lot of expectation to put on one person. I asked myself several times during the book whether I have been expecting Gil to make me feel fulfilled and happy.

Keller also says that marriage puts love in a framework, makes it binding. So many people ask why marriage is any different than dating or living together. Does it really change the relationship? Keller says that because marriage puts a framework around your relationship, we can truly be intimate and vulnerable. Otherwise, we will be afraid to scare the other person away. So while many see a framework or a binding commitment as oppressive, it is really what allows your love to be free.

Kathy Keller wrote a chapter about submission, which I won't discuss at length as I've talked about submission before. I especially liked her point that submission isn't about traditional gender roles, and in fact rules on the division of household chores are not found in the Bible. While the man is the head of the household, the expression of that is for the couple to determine. I was so glad that she made this point, as it drives me batty when people reduce submission to doing the household chores.

Marriage and the Gospel

One of the book's main points was how marriage is a reflection of the gospel. I've heard this before, but hadn't thought it through that much. Keller says that the gospel can help me understand my marriage, but that marriage can also help me to understand the gospel. I wrote above that in a healthy marriage, I won't see Gil as the one who makes me happy. This goes a step further and says that if I understand the gospel and spend time with God, I'll be filled with His love, which I pass on to my husband. If, on the other hand, I only give love when I feel loved by Gil, and he does the same, then we will be in big trouble when hard or stressful times come, and one or both of us is not able to give love in the same way as before. The gospel also shows me that I am flawed, yet God loves me and accepts me. Knowing that, I can accept that my husband is flawed; I can love him when he's not being particularly loving, because God did that for me. (See Romans 5:6-7)

Keller talks about the three powers in marriage: Truth, Love, and Grace. We have the power of telling the truth about each other: because we see so much of our spouse, we are best able to point out their flaws. This helps us grow. The love of a spouse has the power to “reprogram” us, to make us feel accepted despite all the rejections we've faced in the past. We need to learn our spouse's “love language” to do that the best. This love helps us to face the truth mentioned above, or as Keller says: “We need to feel so loved by our partners that when they criticize us, we have the security to admit our own faults.” (p. 163). The power of grace is forgiveness and repentance which we need so that truth and love can mix. This is essentially the Gospel: The truth about us (we are sinners) and the love of God for us can only be brought together by God's grace in sending Jesus to us so that we can be forgiven when we repent and trust Him. This is how God uses marriage to be a picture of the gospel.

Please come on back tomorrow to read the rest of my thoughts!

On Being an In-Law: Cultural Considerations

This is a continuation of my thoughts from last week. I wrote about my struggle to feel connected with a new family, especially one so far away. My in-laws are not only on the other side of the globe, but they are of a different culture and speak another language, which adds to my stress about being a good daughter-in-law. I know that no matter what I do, I will never look or sound like part of the family, or maybe even know how to be part of it.

Eating dim sum before my wedding

Family ties are very important in Asia, as are social customs and roles. In the Chinese custom, there are specific names for everyone in the family; for example, cousins have different titles based on whether they're on your father's or mother's side, and whether they are younger or older than you; it's often considered rude to call aunts and cousins by their first names. For an outsider, these customs can be difficult to learn. Attendance at family get-togethers can be a non-negotiable. In our case, being here in Canada gets us off the hook for some of the filial responsibilities, but I sometimes feel stressed because I don't know if I'm messing up without even realizing it, missing opportunities to call and congratulate on holidays I didn't know existed.

It is said that women are the bearers of culture. Because women tend to spend more time with children, they are typically the ones that teach language and tradition to the next generation. This comes into play with my marriage because Gil doesn't really care about traditions. For the past few years, I asked him whether he wanted me to buy something or do something for Chinese New Year, but he has never cared to celebrate it. He is, to paraphrase Dr. McCoy from Star Trek, “a doctor, not an anthropologist”. He pays little attention to traditions or cultural differences, so he rarely informs me of how our own traditions differ, and what my role should be in his family. For now that's not a big issue, but it may be harder when we have children. While our kids will be a typical Canadian mishmash of backgrounds, I don't want them to feel alien to their own family and culture.

Last year I read the book Secret Daughter by Shilpi Somaya Gowda. Though so much of the book is thought-provoking, I was particularly impacted by a scene in which an American woman and her Indian-born husband go to India to see his parents. She goes outside for a walk and comes back with half of a sandwich, which she leaves in the fridge. She has no idea that the meat in the sandwich is defiling the whole kitchen for her in-laws. Her husband gets angry, because she should have known that as the in-laws are strict vegetarians, they can't have any meat in the house. I was really moved by the scene, as it seemed like something that could happen to us. When you're from that culture, it probably makes sense that vegetarians = no meat in the whole house. Being from Canada, I would never expect an extreme reaction like tossing out all the defiled food. I would assume that at most, the in-laws may not appreciate meat in their fridge. Should the wife have known? Maybe, but it seemed to me that the husband had not adequately prepared her for his parents' culture and expectations, and I was surprisingly offended about it. The scene captured one of my biggest fears: That I would deeply offend my new family unknowingly.

This is a bit of a rambling entry, because I really don't have any answers. The number of Canadians invoved in inter-racial and/or inter-cultural marriages is rising rapidly, so there must be many of us in this situation. (See for example this and this.)  We can be thankful that, unlike the characters in the scene above, we have access to Google and can at least read up on our spouse's traditions; this is why I'm working so hard to learn Mandarin. Sometimes the most we can do, however, is extend grace to each other and to ourselves as we navigate a new world.

Are you in an inter-cultural marriage or relationship?  How do you try to bridge the cultural gap?

On Being an In-Law

Lately, I've been thinking about in-laws, not only the in-laws that I now have, but also the in-law that I've become. “Awful in-laws” are one of the most commonly stereotyped aspects of married life. Sitcoms have produced a miriad of jokes about the prying mother-in-law. It's easy to think about the in-laws you're getting when you marry... but sometimes you forget that you're also becoming an in-law at the same time.

I've actually been an in-law for nearly nine years, since my step-sister's 2004 wedding, but this reality hit closest to home when my little brother got married last fall. My mom and I were very conscious that of our responsibility to welcome his bride into our family (although we'd already considered her family for years). I hosted a shower and tried to stick it out into the wee hours of the night for her full-day bachelorette festivities.

While I do think I'm a pretty good sister-in-law to my siblings' spouses, I don't feel the same about my performance as a daughter-in-law. In some senses, I've lucked out: My in-laws are in Asia and Australia, so there is no reasonable way for them to expect frequent visits or our attendance at Christmas dinner. They don't come by and critique our housekeeping because they've never been to our house. You could say that I have it super-easy, but on the other hand, it is so difficult to feel close to them. I only met my mother- and brother-in-law three days before our wedding, and I've never met (or even spoken to) my husband's dad and older sister. Even keeping in phone contact with Gil's mom is difficult as there is a signicant time difference and she is one busy woman!

All of this makes me feel discouraged. My husband's mother is a lovely woman and she does make an effort. This past fall she sent me a gorgeous jade bracelet, and recently she sent an envelope of photos from Gil's childhood. (Oh, how I wish I could post some here... but I'm pretty sure he'd be livid!) I'm often at a loss over what to do to show that I do care for them, and how to feel like they're part of my family. Write letters? Send maple syrup? (Yes, I'm kidding about the last one.)

On top of not knowing what to do, I struggle with feeling connected to people I barely know. Obviously, I love my husband, but he's not a person to reminisce about his childhood or discuss his family a lot, which makes them seem a bit like voices at the end of the phone or names on a greeting card. I'm assuming/hoping this distanced feeling is normal when you first marry into a family. It would be odd for me to feel as close to them as I do to my own family members, most of whom I've known my entire life. Still, it's difficult. I want to come to love these people, but it just takes time.

What do you think? I'd love to hear your suggestions! If you're married, how long did it take before you felt close to your in-laws? What kinds of things did you do to help you feel like part of the family? Just be aware that Gil's mom is not so into technology, so Skype is not an option for us.

True Love...

We had a guest speaker at church to give the sermon today. He spoke about healing in marriage, and he made one statement that really stood out to me: “True love is defined when you're hurt.”

It's easy to love your spouse when things are going well, when he's just suggested going out to dinner so neither of you has to cook, when she's woken up early to make you coffee before work, etc. Those are the moments when you post, “I have the BEST husband” as your facebook status. It's harder to be loving when your spouse has hurt you, or even when you're feeling hurt by someone else. That is when you are tempted to retreat or react, rather than responding with love. Husbands are called to love their wives EVEN when they're being unloving, and wives are called to respect their husbands EVEN when they're making mistakes that could cause our respect to dwindle.  True love chooses to love and respect, even when the temptation is not to.

These aren't earth-shattering or brand new ideas, but I guess it cemented something I already knew and have experienced. A few months after Gil and I started dating, I remember being really really angry at him about something. He was driving in from Toronto, and I was fuming while I waited for him to arrive, imagining all the things I would say to him when he finally got there. All of a sudden, I was struck by the fact that it was later in the evening and he likely hadn't eaten dinner... and maybe lunch as well. I fought with myself, knowing I should make something for him to eat, but not wanting to because I was so mad. In the end, I boiled some frozen Chinese dumplings, and in the end, I basically handed him the bowl when he arrived, right before I told him all the reasons I was upset. Needless to say, he was a bit perplexed! Still, I think it helped him realized that even though I was angry, I still cared about him deeply. Unfortunately, there have been many other angry moments, when I definitely have not been that loving.

On that note, it's official that I will start out my marriage book reading with Timothy and Cathy Keller's The Meaning of Marriage. It's on hold for me at the library and should be available soon. I'm looking forward to reading it and posting some of my thoughts. Thanks to everyone who voted!

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. 

 Romans 12:17-21

On Reading (Follow-up): A Marriage Reading Plan for 2013

About a month ago, I posted about how even though I would like to read books about marriage and relationships, have trouble getting through them.

This week, I had the idea that if I commit to reading a few of those books and blogging about them, that should provide some accountability to actually start and finish some recommended readings on marriage.  I will commit not only to read them, but to journal through them and write one (or more) posts on my response.  These posts won't be reviews, per se, in that my aim is to write what I'm learning rather than to critique the books.  After all, this blog is about marriage and what it is teaching me, and I am certainly no expert!

For now, I'm aiming to read and blog about five or six marriage books in 2013, so that I'll still have time to read the fiction and history books that I love.  To start with, there are five books that I think would be beneficial, and that I already have (except Keller's book, which is available at the library) but I'd love your input.  Which one should I read first?  What would you like to see when I blog about them?  Do you have any further recommendations?  Feel free to leave a comment saying which book I should start off with, and why, or else vote via my new sidebar poll.

Tentative list:
Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages (a gift from my wedding shower.  Update:  See my post here.)
Linda Dillow, Creative Counterpart (recommended by Jayme)
Hayley DiMarco, The Fruitful Wife (which I read about here)
Timothy and Kathy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage (Update:  See my post here.)
Gary Thomas, Sacred Marriage (a gift from my wedding shower)

Leaving and Cleaving over the Holidays

When I got married, I was naive enough to think we had it so easy for holidays.  My mom lives in Toronto like we do.  My dad lives in Florida and does not expect us to visit at Christmas time.  My in-laws live in Asia and likewise do not expect yearly holiday visits.  Problem solved, right?

We failed to consider, however, that this meant that my family was the default for every single holiday.  I mean, it's not like we're the Braverman clan on Parenthood (love that show!), but we do have somewhat regular get-togethers, and over Christmas, they can be numerous.  Last year's family gathering at my mom's became somewhat of a gong show:  Way too long, too many people, me serving everyone and Gil forced to make small talk with my relatives for what felt like eons.  At the end, we we were exhausted and not so full of holiday spirits.

This year, my husband will be working on the 24th and on Christmas day, so I'll probably end up spending the majority of time with my family again, but I've realized that we need to have an ongoing discussion about how much family time is too much.  Of course, this is hard, and I'm a people-pleaser.  I've already had to tell my mom that I won't be coming over to do Christmas Eve dinner.  Gil and I will not have much time together, and it's important that we make use of what little we do have.  Saying no is not easy for me, but leaving and cleaving is important in establishing my little family with Gil.  Some small things I've learned so far are:

1)  It's important to have an ongoing discussion about Christmas plans.  What works this year may not work in a few years when me and my brother (God-willing) have little ones.  We started talking last winter about what worked and what didn't for Christmas 2011, and how things may change in the future, so we will be ready for that.

2)  Not all traditions are worth keeping.  Sometimes you just can't even remember why you started doing something year after year.  If everyone still likes it, then that's great, but there's no reason to keep up things that have become meaningless or onerous.  (Now if only my family would "see the light" about our annual plum pudding tradition... Yuck.)

3)  Bring up plans well in advance and with grace.  Some people hate change, especially at Christmas, so it's important to give them time to process and prepare if the status quo is changing.

4)  Don't get so bogged up in your own needs that you forget to extend love.  Some people over-extend themselves and entertain until they are exhausted, but others cocoon so much that they shut their families and friends out.  I try to remember that most of my family do not love Christ, so sharing His joy is an important part of this season, even if it means making time when I would prefer to be with my immediate family or husband only.


Edit:  One day after I wrote this, I discovered that my mom did not remember that I wouldn't be coming over on Christmas Eve, annnnnd all of the suggestions we'd made on making family Christmas a little less onerous were not implemented.  I guess there's always next year for changing traditions!  Merry Christmas nonetheless.  :-) 

The Last Name Project

I promised something new and different today, and here it is:  Today I have a guest post over at From Two To One. 

I found Danielle at From Two To One and noticed a series of articles called "The Last Name Project".  This is a series in which women write about why the decided to keep, change, or hyphenate their last names upon marriage.  I found my self spending hours reading all of these women's stories and thinking over my own decision.

Changing your name is a very personal choice.  While for my mom's generation in English Canada, it was expected that a woman would change her name, this is not so for my generation, and certainly not for women in other parts of the world.  In my own family, one of sister-in-law hyphenated her name, while the other is using her maiden name professionally, and my step-sister has taken her husband's name.  I didn't really feel any pressure to take Gil's name, but I decided to do it anyway.  I knowingly did this realizing it will mean some confusion meeting people who know me by name first, who will in all likelihood assume I am Chinese.  (For any new readers:  I'm not.  I am a mix of Belgian and English-Canadian.)  You can find my post about my decision to change my name here. 

Refreshed

We got back late Saturday night from our trip to the sunny south.  What a great vacation!  We enjoyed perfect warm, sunny weather and hours of poolside lounging.  More importantly, Gil and I were able to really spend time together, rather than just grabbing an hour or two after a long work day.

I've noticed since being married that my concept of downtime has changed.  When I was on my own, I never craved a beach vacation.  Even though my life was busier, I had no desire to go away just so I could sit and read poolside; after all, I could read on my own at home.  When I did travel, I subscribed to a "go big or go home" philosophy. With Gil, however, his free time is so limited that it is worth it to fly far away just so that both of us can relax together and we don't have to field incessant work-related calls.  We do still enjoy active vacations with cultural sites, etc., but I'm finding it's important to find time to get away and just zone out sometimes.

The one downside to our trip was that my camera took a nosedive into the Caribbean Sea on day 3, only to drift onto the beach covered in sand and seaweed.  Its prognosis does not look too good.  Thankfully, the memory card is fine, so I didn't lose the photos from our first few days away, so here are some shots of our wonderful trip.

My favourite way to relax!

Welcome to Mexico!