What Do You Want For Your Birthday - Infertility Style

It's my birthday in a couple of weeks... Or it might have already passed, if you go by my mother-in-law's calendar which has aged me prematurely by twenty days or so. Milestones are hard for those undergoing infertility, or at least for me. Any occasion which marks the passage of time is a painful reminder that the years go by, but my inability to conceive remains the same. I used to enjoy celebrating birthdays with friends, whereas now I start to dread them months in advance.

I even had a birthday party with FIREFIGHTERS once. Yes, I used to be fun...

Around this time, I start to get questions like, "What do you want for your birthday?" I've always found it hard to give out wish lists as an adult, but now I find it particularly difficult? What do I want? I want to be a mother. I want nothing more than to be a mother. I want to wake up and not feel an overwhelming sense of sadness. I want to feel hopeful again. I want to go back to when I read "If God is for us, who can be against us?" and to believe it in full, instead of seeing the see of baby bumps around me on Facebook, at the church, on the bus, and feeling like God is certainly not for me these days.

But then I read the news. I see the thousands upon thousands of people clamoring for help, for a safe place to raise their children, for a roof over their heads and an escape from the perils of war. And then I feel like a real jerk for focusing on my dark little cloud when other people are in the midst of an unimaginable storm. I guess what I want for my birthday is for a better world, and to be a better person, to find that light within and pass it on to others.**

I know this post may feel disjointed. Please bear with me as I wrestle with various emotions right now. Thank you. <3


**If you have been moved by the plight of Syrian migrants, please consider making a donation here or here or here. Every bit helps.