I'm so, so close to the end of my degree. We have three - count 'em, three - weeks of class left and I'm somewhat limping to the finish line. I have four more assignments left and I think I lost my motivation some time in February. No, really, I'm working hard to be done. I had to fill in my "intent to convocate" form recently, and it's sinking in that this is really happening. It's a bit of a bittersweet feeling, to be honest. It's been a great program, but this was always Plan B. Not a day goes by when I'm not sad that I'm in grad school instead of being a mother, and when the success of school is not a reminder of the failure to become pregnant. I'm happy, but I'm sad, and I can't look back at the last 18 months of school without also being aware that they were some of the hardest times of my life. Nevertheless, I'll keep swimming.
On the job front, I don't know if I actually posted about leaving my job at the church. It was a great run, but it was time. I was finding it increasingly difficult to juggle those responsibilities with school, and increasingly difficult to be in a family-centred workplace without children. Please, please, please do not badger your church receptionist about when she will have a baby. It is never fun to be asked about excruciatingly painful personal details when you have to put on a brave face and answer the ringing phone. Anyway, I still love the church, but it has been good to have it just be my church and not my workplace. Moving forward, I've applied to a few librarian jobs and even had an interview, but did not get that job. We will see what the future holds.
I posted a few months ago about the reality of my depression. I wish I could say that things are looking rosy, but at least I do truly believe that I am slowly getting better after finding a therapist. I'm talking about it more too. It still hurts every day, and I'm not sure it will ever stop, but the dark days are fewer than they used to be. Thank you to everyone who got in touch and extended their love.
As far as infertility goes, we may be moving forward, but I'm not ready to put it all in words yet as it's still not certain. I feel like recently I've finally accepted the fact that I will not have a big family. I always wanted 3 or 4 kids, but now that nearly 3 years have gone by trying, it's time to realize that just one child will be a miracle for us. Moreover, I can't do these three years again. I lost myself too completely and for too long to think about going down this road while trying to parent a child, so now I pray that God will give us just that one child. Gil and I have not talked much about this, but I feel like we have gotten closer in the past few months as I've been more vocal about how much I am hurting, so maybe we can be a family of two and be okay with that, one day.
|Star Wars kitty. The Force is strong in him.|