Sabbath Rest

Since September, I've been involved in a Bible study survey of the life of Moses. We've covered Exodus and Leviticus now, and are in the middle of the book of Numbers. There have been some exciting and familiar reads, such as the parting of the Red Sea and the plagues of Egypt, but also a lot of those passages that, let's be honest, most of us skip over. It's been interesting to actually study the laws and the nitty-gritty details of the tabernacle. However, one thing that has stood out strongly to me is the concept of rest.

The idea of Sabbath rest is in the Bible from the very first chapter. Whether you believe the Old Testament or not, this idea is part of our culture. We all live with a seven-day week (even in medicine where those weekends are not really weekends!), and the word "sabbatical" is used in academia and other professions as a throw-back to the fourth commandment. If I'm honest, taking a rest is something that's easy for me. I've written previously about the fact that getting married and quitting my job was a wake-up call for me, an opportunity to realize how much my hectic lifestyle was literally making me sick.

A recent study on Sabbath years and Jubilee years reminded me once again that God's plan involves taking time off, and it suddenly dawned on me that this applies to our infertility journey too. We've been in this game for a year and a half, and it's taken a huge toll on me. It's no secret that hormones make you freaking crazy, and when you add in dozens of blood draws and various and sundry tests, it is extremely difficult emotionally. Fertility treatments really do take over your life.

And yet... it's hard to walk away. Any step away from the clinic feels like quitting, giving up on a dream. How can I say that I want to be a mother more than anything and then stop after less than a year of treatment? The truth is that we are on hiatus not because I can't hack it, but because Gil and I are not exactly on the same page about what comes next.

Reading these portions of Leviticus, however, made me realize that part of God's pattern is to take time off. I can't read this too literally, because it's not like we have tried for six years and are taking the seventh one as a breather, but I am challenged to see this waiting period not as sitting in limbo, but as a Sabbath, a chance to sit still a while.

It's been a pensive time lately. I never mentioned this on the blog before, but in the first month that we tried, I really thought I was pregnant. I had eighteen or nineteen days of high temperatures and even swore I saw a faint line on a pregnancy test, but only one time. I'll never know what happened, whether this was a chemical pregnancy or I was seeing things, but I do remember thinking that we would have a baby in spring, 2014, and that by now, we were supposed to be thinking about the next kid. I had plans. I had goals. I was going to do what I could to make them come to pass. And now I'm sitting, contemplating, marinating about whether I will ever be a mother. The Israelites too had plans. They were supposed to get to that promised land and start farming. How strange it must have been for them to think about taking a whole year off of farming. What would they eat? What would they even do? It's a reminder to me that I can't figure it all out myself, and that try as I might, I can't make things happen according to plan. So for now, I will try to enjoy this Sabbath as best I can.

Medical, er, Fridays: We Watch Liverpool

Welcome to Medical Monday Friday!  I'm so late on this link-up, but it's not too late, so here goes.  This month's link up is hosted by Jane at From a Doctor's Wife, Emma at Your Doctor's Wife, and Kristen at Wife M.D.

If there's a theme in my life since getting married, it would probably be REST. I've written about this before, but I was a busy go-getter before I moved here.  Slowing down doesn't seem like what happens in a medical family, but I've realized that I need to slow down, enjoy the moments we have, and take opportunities to just be with my husband. 

Medical life is in-freaking-sane.  Even though I "knew" that going into the journey, I hadn't experienced it.  Since getting back from Dominican Republic a month ago, there has been maybe one day when Gil has not gone into the hospital.  Last weekend, he worked 12 hours on Saturday, and he wasn't even on call.  He definitely needs to learn better self-care, but that's a post for another day...  What I need to do is accept this is how it is for now, and to find ways around it.

One thing we've started doing this past year is watching English Premier League.  My husband has always been a Premiership fan.  Liverpool FC is his one great love, after me of course.  He has been a fan for his entire life.  While I've never followed the EPL with much enthusiasm, I am a big soccer fan, and have hopped on the LFC bandwagon since our marriage.  We don't have a fancy cable package, or any cable at all for that matter, but in the fall, we discovered life-streaming Premiership games online.  In our time zone, most Liverpool games fall in the mornings on a weekend, so that has become "our thing".  We can usually squeeze the game in before Gil has to go to the hospital, and for a few glorious hours, we get to hang out together, drinking our coffee, and enjoying a favourite pass-time. 

To be honest, before I got married, I had different hopes.  I thought we'd be doing fun things over the weekend, like checking out festivals or going on bike rides.  I thought married life would be like my single life, but with a partner.  I've discovered, on the other hand, that married life is a different kind of good than my single days, and that's okay.

I've been pondering this post for the past few days, and yesterday at my Bible study, we studied Mary's anointing of Jesus with the jar of fancy perfume.  On the face of it, this seems like such a strange action.  I don't really like touching people or strong smells, so it's hard for me to imagine this scene without feeling a bit icky.  One of the ladies pointed out, however, that Mary took the opportunity while Jesus was there.  If she'd waited another day to do it, she would have been too late.  She didn't complain that it was a bad time because of all the other people, or because she wasn't in the mood.  She just took her jar, and seized the moment.  How many opportunities do I miss because I'm over-thinking, or wishing I could be doing something else?  Some of these are spiritual opportunities, truths that I glance over because I'm distracted, or openings to serve that I don't even notice, but there are also opportunities in my own home that I am tempted to overlook.  So on weekend mornings, when we can, we watch Liverpool.  I will take and enjoy 90 minutes with my husband when I can get them, and try not to complain that I wish I had more.

Christmas 2013 (In Pictures)

Happy Boxing Day!  It's hard to believe another Christmas is over.  It's been a fairly quiet affair for us.  On Saturday, we had an early Christmas, exchanging gifts with my brother, sister-in-law, mom, and mom's boyfriend.  Gil and I exchanged gifts on Christmas Eve, just in case he was called in to the hospital super-early.  I spent Christmas day with my mom.  We had a mid-day brunch and cooked while listening to Handel's Messiah on the radio - pure joy!  Some relatives came by in the later and we had a nice turkey dinner, followed by Christmas pudding (yuck) and cupcakes (yum!) for dessert.

Tasty Christmas!

We had planned to drive down to Ohio today to see some friends, but Gil applied to renew his passport a few weeks ago and the replacement has not arrived yet, so we can't go to the US.  I don't mind.  We are aiming for a quiet day of watching World Juniors hockey and eating pizza.  Tomorrow it's work as usual for my husband (wait, that's what he's been doing all week....), but I am off so will be going to see Les Misérables at the IMAX with some friends and I cannot wait.

Other than that Santa a.k.a. my husband gave me a new fancy camera for Christmas to replace the one that took a dive into the Caribbean Sea, so I've been playing around with it, taking photos like these of my living room:

Woo, trippy...

Or these ones of my cat:

Because nothing says Christmas like gratuitous cat-posting.  Enjoy your day!

Summer Fun

It feels like this time is really flying by these days:  We've been married 10 months already, been moved into our house for 3 months, and my "baby" brother is getting married in a mere 2 weeks!  Phew.  I remember when I thought we'd never find a house, and when I thought Gil would never get around to proposing, and it seems like not so long ago.

This weekend we are off to the cottage with some friends and I'm hoping to get a few last days of soaking in the summer before the whirlwind of September weddings begins.  Lately I'm feeling trapped in the busyness of life and have not been taking time to enjoy the moment.  So here's hoping this weekend will be full of the little joys in life:  Sleeping in, eating yummy food, holding a mug of hot coffee in the chill of the morning, experiencing the cold lake water as you step in for a refreshing swim, meeting God in a beautiful sunset, laughing with a good friend.  And I hope you, reader, are able to experience some of these joys in the last days of summer too!

Ahh, heaven on earth