Life Lately

This photo pretty much summarizes my life this weekend:

I am at T-2 weeks before my next major Mandarin exam (HSK Level V) so my days are a blur of working and reviewing vocabulary.  My husband says I can't complain as I chose to sign up for this... and truly I am not complaining.  I am do enjoy studying, but I am getting a bit tired of it.  Yesterday the weather was so lovely that I took some time to sit on my porch reading a book on the porch, which was lovely.

The Chinese is helping to distract me as I've been a bit sad lately.  After a year and a half in Toronto, I'm pretty much feeling at home in this life, but still have moments when I miss all my friends in Ottawa.  I found out a few weeks ago that my best friend is pregnant.  She and I lived down the street from one another for a few years; it's just hitting home that I am missing being a part of her life during this important period, and I won't be around to run to the store for her or stop in to watch the baby for a 10 minutes while she takes a shower, etc.  I won't be a part of the baby's life the way I would love to be.  I'm excited for her, but just feeling the loss of my former life a little more deeply this week.

Otherwise, Gil is back from Newfoundland and life is back to its normal pattern, except that I'm working a lot more.  We are still short-staffed since I took my boss's position which leaves my old one empty.  I will get to take part in interviewing potential staff, which will be a totally new experience for me.

Hope you are all having a wonderful weekend!


P.S. For the curious, the flashcards app that I use is called gFlashcards, and the card shown is 预订 (yù dìng), which means "to place an order, book ahead, reserve".

What Are We Up to These Days?

Hey friends!  Thanks for checking in.  I thought I'd do a bit of a mishmash post about how things are going and what we have been up to since getting back from vacation. 

Gil has been working a lot.  No surprises there.  He actually went back to work the day after we flew home.  The man is a machine.  We have had a few days on weekends to hang out and stay connected... and by that I mean watch Euro Cup games.  ;-)

Speaking of the Euro, my beloved German team lost to Italy in the semi-finals.  It was a sad afternoon for me, especially considering it may be the last time I will get to watch my favourite footballer, Miroslav Klose, play for the German side.  He is nearing retirement age.  Ah well.  On a more serious note, I was a bit surprised to note how seriously I was taking the tournament, and was reminded to watch where I am focusing too much of my heart and energy.

I'm kind of on a mini-health kick these days.  (Um, except for the fact that I just ate a slice of pie....)  I had a few days of feeling lethargic and reacting emotionally to any setback, no matter how minor.  I had a bit of an "aha" moment when I realized that since we got back from vacation, I really have not been taking great care of myself, so now I am making more effort to exercise, and cutting back on sweets, more specifically snacking on sweet things (e.g., chocolate chips) at random intervals throughout the day.  Hopefully this will allow me to enjoy chocolate even more when I do have it (if that is even possible).  Now I keep track of what chocolate I eat instead of losing track of it.  If you see or talk to me, please feel free to ask about this effort, as I could probably use some accountability.  :-)

I've also been reading a lot lately.  Before we left for Poland, I dug out some relevant history books that I had purchased and never read.  Lately, I have read three books that had been gathering dust on my bookshelves, and have started on a fourth.  Why, oh why, oh why, am I such a book hoarder??

Yesterday was Canada Day.  Hope all you Canadians were able to enjoy it!  Other than wearing a Canada t-shirt, I did nothing celebratory or Canadian.  We went to church, ate Chinese food, then watched Italy vs. Spain in the Euro 2012 final, and then I started a book on German-Polish history.  In a way, that's kind of reflective of what I love about Canada:  The mix of peoples from all over, and diversity of culture.  We did end up watching the Parliament Hill Canada Day festivities on TV, but I got all teary because seeing the Hill made me miss Ottawa.  Then we switched to Saving Hope for a few minutes, until Gil started yelling, "That's the wrong place to make the incision!" at the television.  I went to sleep reflecting on Canada Day three years ago, when I went to the Hill to watch Sarah McLachlan perform and on the way casually mentioned to my friend that I had met this guy Gil, and wasn't sure whether he was eventually going to ask me out or not.  Here we are now, newlyweds, yelling and crying at the television in our marital nest. 

That's life chez nous!

Waiting, part IV: Waiting for Community

I've posted a couple of times already about how I miss Ottawa. No, it's not those icy breezes or the commute on the 95 that holds my heart; mostly, I miss people and I miss my church. While this is the first time that I've switched churches in the years since I became a mature Christian, it is definitely not my first time moving to a new place and feeling like I have to start over.

I think the lack of community, people who know me, is the hardest part of these kind of transitions. The problem is, that takes time. Unless you're going to back to summer camp, it can take a long time to get close to others, and especially to develop a group of close friends. This seems to take even longer as we get older and have more stuff in our lives.

In a sense, it feels like I'm waiting on community. I'm waiting because I know that at some point, these relationships will come and I will feel at home, but I don't know when that will be. So what do we do when we're in this place? I'm not thinking of how to get to know others, but how to handle the waiting period in a way that honours God and strengthens our faith.

1) Have community with God

It's easy to pull away from God when there is (almost) no one around encouraging you to seek Him. In Ottawa, I never struggled with getting out of bed on a Sunday to attend church... well maybe just a little bit for the 9am service. ;-) Still, attending church was a highlight of my week because I felt loved and welcomed. I am just beginning to realize how much my previous desire to attend church was affected by this fact. I still go to church, even though I hardly know anyone, but it's harder. The problem is that when I don't prioritize church, everything else slips too: my devotions, my prayer time, my overall spiritual life. It's funny that when I am most in need of community, I forget that I always have community with God. If that relationship is not there, even regular church attendance is little more than going through the motions. Hebrews 10 calls us not to give up meeting together, and I take that pretty seriously.

2) Allow yourself to feel lonely

There is a tendency in Western Christianity to equate having “joy in the Lord” with being happy. I see that in the Bible there are calls to rejoice in our circumstances, but that does not mean that being sad was not an option. Jesus wept for Lazarus, even knowing that his death was temporary. David wept when his son was dying. Nehemiah wept over the state of Jerusalem. We are allowed to cry. In fact, if Nehemiah hadn't allowed himself to be sad, he may not have been moved to action. It's okay to mourn over the loss of community and to miss friends who are far away. My struggle is not to camp out in the mourning period until it looks suspiciously like feeling sorry for myself.

3) Give grace to others

Doing this is probably the hardest of the three. When I am feeling lonely, it is soooooo easy to get caught up on what other people should be doing to welcome me. I can start to badmouth a whole bunch of people (in my head, at least): The church welcome centre, that lady who didn't say hello, etc., etc. In truth, we do need to better welcome newcomers to large churches. On the other hand, love keeps no record of wrongs, and I am called to love the bride of Christ. I've heard people grumble before that “the church” was not there for them in a time of need. That's not okay... but it's not okay to hold a grudge either. There have probably been hundreds of times when I've been too caught up in my own concerns to notice someone who was new or in distress. I shouldn't be shocked when the same thing happens to me. Recently, I attended a function at another church which did a terrible job of welcoming visitors. I may write more on the subject, but basically the whole set-up was so bureaucratic that no one even asked my name except to write it on a name tag. That sucks, but my own response was even worse: I was so caught up by grumbling (in my head) about the structure that I missed parts of an edifying and insightful sermon. When we fail to extend grace to others, we wind up being bitter, and no one wins.

Grace and peace to you who are in this place. I'm trusting that God will bring me the community that I so long for... in His own time.

An Ode to My Condo

Today is a bit of an emotional day for me. Today is the day that new tenants move into my Ottawa condo. Don't get me wrong; I'm very happy that this day has come, or at least my bank account is very happy. On the other hand, the condo was a huge step for me and the place where my life took place for several years, so it's strange to think of other people living there.

How I ended up in the suburbs is really a story of God working in my life. I had been renting the same apartment for over two years, sharing it first with one friend, then another. When my second roommate told me she was leaving, I started to wonder what to do next: Should I move to a smaller place on my own, or seek out another roommate, one who might also have to take off and leave me with a room to fill? My best friend was buying a condo in a new development, and suggested I check it out. The idea slowly came to me: I could be a home owner. Me. I could do this.

My biggest reservation was fear. What if I couldn't handle this big step? Did this mean I was a real grown-up? (Apparently three years of gainful employment and having my own car didn't count...) Did owning my own house make me one of those independent women that would scare away single men? Despite my misgivings, I made the choice (okay, my parents helped a little), and ponied up more money than I had ever spent at one time.

The condo in the midst of packing to move out.  Note how nicely organized I am with my tax documents.  :-)

And then I waited. It was seven long months until my home was finally finished. In that time, God provided through some belt-tightening times. I found a temporary sub-letter who ended up being a 60-something vegan hippie. (Very nice, but extremely odd.) Finally, the day had came and I took possession. I brought a couple of boxes in, did a prayer walk around the rooms, and played guitar in my living room for a while, just so the place would feel like it was mine. A couple of days later, half a dozen of my dearest friends came to help move (and two of them even baked cupcakes and unpacked my dishes while I went back for the second van-load).

My Spadina sign (available from Walloper.com)

My condo became home. I hung up my grandma's oil paintings and this awesome wall decal that reminded me of the Toronto subway. (Yes, such a nerd.) The cats found their favourite places to sleep. In my condo, I hosted my first (and only) dinner party. In my condo, Gil and I spent many hours watching movies and talking while we were dating. In my condo, I bawled and mourned when my beloved kitty Scout died. In my condo, I planned our wedding and put personalized stickers on hundreds of Hershey's kisses. And now some other couple will be starting their life out in my condo.

Community

I miss Ottawa. Not every moment, or even every day, but I do miss it a lot. There are many things that I love about being back in my hometown, like seeing my husband every day (!!), being close to family, an insane amount of restaurant options, the subway (seriously, I love the subway), etc. BUT... it's been a change, and not always an easy one.

We were back in Ottawa this past weekend to attend a wedding, and it just made me so happy to be in a room with so many friends at once. I have friends in Toronto, but only a couple, and we only really hang out one on one. Then we got to go to my church on Sunday morning and it felt like... home. People said hi to us (and not just “greeters”). People wanted to talk to us after the service. We felt loved and supported. It was sad to leave Ottawa.

This disparity was even more in evidence yesterday. For some reason, I just felt anxious. I was stressed over searching for work and worried about paperwork that had to get done to rent out my Ottawa condo. I just felt on edge, and worse than that, I felt alone. It seems like the friendships that I have here are just not very deep, even though they are people that I've known for many years. These are girls that are great to have lunch or go to the movies with, but not people who ask how I'm really doing. That's probably my fault too. I have not been around enough to allow those relationships to develop. Anyway, it doesn't bother me when things are good, but yesterday I just missed the deep friendships that I have in Ottawa.

All is not lost, however. I have to remember that getting connected takes time, and that even though I don't think our current church does enough to help people integrate, I know that God does MORE than enough. Today I went to ladies prayer group and was invited to a Bible study next week. Then at the end of the meeting, another lady asked me out to coffee. Some of these women have been coming to prayer group together for what seems like decades. It was so nice to feel like part of the group, and to think that one day, this church and this city will really feel like home too.